4k

Posted on 21 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Now that I’ve found this ubercool spelling for the kitchen utensil, I’m afraid I’m going to have to insist that 4k (pronounced fork) only refers to the four tined variety of implement. Can we all agree that 5 tines and over should be called a comb and we’ll have to invent words for the 2 and 3 tined implements?

We can just add a k to the words three and two. How about a 3k or a 2k?

Instead of having a 4k in the road:

we will have a 2k (pronounced toque) in the road:

Of course saying “toqued” tongue is awkward. So we’ll have to replace it with “split” tongue.

Indeed 3k (pronounced threek) will be hard to bring to mind sometimes. We could use trident to replace it even though trident implies a more spear-like use than the old fork usage. And maybe we could coin the term “bident”.

Sporks have three tines. Thus “speeks or spidents would have to be the new word. I’m not sure which I favour.

Tuning forks would become tuning toques, or tuning bidents. I do prefer tuning toques.

“Fork in the road” could also become “split in the road”.

Much needs to be changed to make way for 4k. But after seeing that spelling again, isn’t it all worth it?

And if you’ve noticed the sad job that the civil engineers did in painting the fork and toque roads I illustrated – how ineffectual are they at their job? Indicating you can pass in either direction on both hills?! I smell a lawsuit on those highways.

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Harold Albrecht Spin Machine is Back

Posted on 19 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Harold Albrecht, my Canadian MP, made it back to parliament, along with his Conservative government. He continues to waste the resources of Canada Post by assailing me with propaganda. MP’s don’t pay for mail sent to their constituents.

On the end portion of the propaganda is a circle that says “Voice Your Choice”. Out of that circle comes three arrows. The first arrow goes to the right where it says “Who’s on the right track to help keep Canadians safe?”

The second arrow points below this question,but also to the right. There are four boxes there, listing the 4 major parties. Specifically, the 2nd arrow points to The Conservatives box as an answer to that question. Isn’t that extremely leading and obnoxious?

The third arrow points downward to a code you can scan with your smartphone to take you to a survey, more on that later.

Firstly, about the question of keeping Canadians safe. Conservatives claim that their policies will keep Canadians safer. While at the same time trying to abolish the long gun registry, something that police departments across Canada have wanted – to keep Canada safer. So obviously ‘pointing out the answer’ is bad spin by Conservative marketers.

As to the smartphone survey, it is easiest to do if you own a smartphone. But don’t worry, a website is given so computer users can also answer the survey. It’s a bit more difficult to do it this way. And Canada Post will return a hand filled in survey. But they don’t tell you that the Internet respondents are told they must include their name, address, postal code and email. If this is the requirement for everybody, many of the mailed in responses won’t count on the survey.

So the survey will skew toward the opinions of the wealthy. And toward the small population that read this piece of spin and propaganda far enough to get to this backside of the pamphlet.

Obviously any such survey is going to have many problems. I think the Conservatives are interested in ‘spun’ surveys like this.

So much so that they have started making other statistics like the census less hard facts and more spin. Why else would this party make anything as important as a census a matter of voluntary participation?

If the Conservatives and Harold Albrecht have their way, the field of political science will have to have a name change to ‘political art’ since there would be no science left.

But don’t fear, dear reader. Harold also sent a second piece of propaganda to me this week. It invites me to sign up for “Harold’s electronic newsletter”. I’m signing up – just for the bonus opportunity of more blog fodder.

A little bird told me that during the last election campaign, Harold’s hair mysteriously darkened. Has he found the fountain of youth and is he saving it for his elite friends? Maybe his newsletter will tell me.

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Creation Humour

Posted on 16 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

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Amish-Mennonite Smackdown

Posted on 12 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

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Why Can’t the Seat of Emotions be in Another Organ

Posted on 9 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

It’s oh so poetical to say our emotions are in our heart. This leads to sometimes stupid symbolism like “Show me the shape of your heart.”

But probably the most famous metaphor is to say you are heartbroken when somebody you love doesn’t care for your feelings. This is a silly metaphor because we all know that when a real heart is broken you will die.

Now some of you are probably frothing at the bit to tell me heart transplants can lead to multiple loves for the heart symbol. But are you seriously telling me there are fewer loves on this planet than there are people? Experience should tell you otherwise.

I say why not change organs for our metaphors. How about a gall bladder? You can live with your gall bladder removed, so why not make it the seat of emotion?

You can then have many loves and losses and thus get a more realistic love life than the heart metaphor provides.

It’s just that the first time you have your gall bladder “broken”, it will be orders of magnitude more important than the 2nd or 3rd time. Because breaking your gall bladder a 2nd or 3rd time is really not that important when it is dead and can’t feel already.

So how about the kidneys? There are two of them so you can get your kidney broken more than once. Indeed, there might even be hope for the serial monogamists amongst you. With kidney transplants you can have a round 3 or even 4 of love.

There are places in the developing world where you can buy a kidney and the operation to put it to use. And there are places in the developing world to get a mail order bride and that can lead to a love.

And what about this? If your kidney is operated on, perhaps you could get a surgeon to make one end pointy and the other will remain bulbous. With two kidneys like this, you could put the two pointy ends together and the combination would look more like the “heart shape” than a real heart.

Which reminds me that I laughed when the movie “I Heart Huckabees” came out. I was so entranced by that shape, that I though it was more accurate than the love in the “I love NY” campaign. But really both are silly translations of the “heart shape”. How about “I ’emotional seat’ Huckabees”. Or “I ’emotional seat’ NY”.

And I know there are other organs. And indeed people talk about “gut feelings”. So maybe you will make up your own metaphor for the seat of emotions. I’ll stick with my kidneys and the rest of the world will undoubtedly stick with their heart and heart shape.

All this when we know all along the brain and the hormonal system is largely responsible for all emotions.

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Things That Make Sense Can Be Deeply Funny

Posted on 5 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

I was going to rail against a quote in the Natalie Imbruglia song Wishing I Was There. But the two lines “I wish you made sense, Like a joke that no one gets” are fine sentences and don’t need to be railed against. I thought about this incorrectly at first; it does not follow that all jokes that make sense, no one gets.

Indeed I care so much because half my humour is “things that make sense”. What I keep doing is following the logic until a piece is humourous. This is a common strategy in political cartoons, and something I picked up on. And indeed, I’m going to pick on my political cartoons that I previously posted to this site to show my humour is half “things that make sense”.

In Blast From the Past II, I have 5 political cartoons. In the first one are three secondary jokes that make sense: “I sense voter dissatisfaction” said by counselor Troy makes sense and “Please Captain, let me meet with the Lesbian splinter group – I can show them the light” said by Ryker makes sense if you’ve seen the planet of lesbians show that he visited and made at least one “lesbian” see the light and the 3rd comment by Jacques O’ Christmas Tree saying that “Is there any doubt retro 70’s is in?” when fashions of the time were retro 70’s and Jean Chretien himself became famous in the 70’s.

In the 2nd cartoon the “Well blow my top” comment by the whale is of course true. “Sure am glad about the moratorium on cod fishing” said by the Harp Seal also makes sense.

In the 3rd cartoon the harp seal saying “’arp” when being whipped also makes sense for why harp seals are called harp seals.

In the 4th cartoon the chicken says “I balk at the sight.” The pun as well as straight forward explanation make sense.

As well, some of the cartoons listed at this site’s menu also make sense. In Jacques 2003 Arnie a couple statements make sense : Arnie saying “But we don’t mind Canadians helping with the wildfires” and Jacques saying: “Wildfires? I’ll go up like a Christmas tree on January 15th”.

In Jacques 2003 Paperless Society, a magnate says “Last time someone said paperless society someone else said computer printer and it was hard to keep up with demand” which makes sense.

Jacques 2003 Paul Martin, is a literal visualization of what Paul Martin was most famous for and thus made sense.

In Jacques 2003 Smith/NDP War the Smith presenter makes sense. He says “It’s a sad day when NDP becomes a surname. Imagine what would happen if all NDP supporters were to change their name in this way. With 17% of the popular vote in Ontario, it would become the most popular surname!”

So I know that at least half of my political humour has been “things that make sense”. I suspect that with many political cartoonists, the same can be said. Indeed, I wouldn’t be surprised if that much of my blog humour is “things that make sense”.

Logic remains a big proportion of my humour. And I foresee it being so for some time. Indeed, I wonder if “observational humour” (which describes Seinfeld for instance), is another big category of “things that make sense” but are also deeply funny.

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I Think I’ve Been Experimented On

Posted on 2 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

The new Coldplay album, Mylo Xyloto is out. I’ve been waiting since June because I wrote this post mentioning Coldplay and some thing, perhaps human, perhaps a bot, alerted me that Every Teardrop is a Waterfall was out. I checked it out, found the song on YouTube, and read the comments. The comments led me to more songs. I liked them all quite a bit so it’s been a long wait for the album which came out just last week.

It is indeed a 45 minute album and thus a throwback to the eighties when it was easier to write solid albums, not the 60 minute monstrosities that became commonplace in the late eighties to mid noughties. I’ve been watching and listening to these Coldplay songs on YouTube for months. Indeed the album is filled with them. But two that I found did not find a place on the album.

Moving to Mars was on the Every Teardrop is a Waterfall EP but is not on the album. Another song, Don Quixote, said it was a new song but also was not on the album. I don’t mind. I only listened to either song a couple times. It was obvious which songs I liked. I played them numerous times.

Mylo Xyloto is filled with the songs I listened to numerous times plus a couple, Don’t Let it Break Your Heart and Up With the Birds which I had never heard before. I believe that Coldplay and the music company were deliberately experimenting on me and the others doing the same thing. The numbers probably let them know Moving to Mars and Don Quixote were weak and thus the substitution of these songs on the album with new ones.

I kind of like my vote being counted, still it’s kind of creepy when you realize what happened.

I’d like to compare this album with an eighties one, So by Peter Gabriel. It is also a solid 40 minute album. In retrospect I find the promotion of it to have been one dimensional. The songs I know as singles, Sledgehammer and Big Time and Don’t Give Up(with Kate Bush) were rather one sided. These songs were kind of the same and releasing them as singles gives no inkling that the great Red Rain and In Your Eyes were on that same album.

Indeed, I went for years not knowing Red Rain was from this album and didn’t hear In Your Eyes till modern reality TV singing shows. So, record company and Peter Gabriel, I did buy the album but years later. So I got it used and you missed a payment from me. The album is a pillar of my CD collection.

Similarly Coldplay released Every Teardrop is a Water Fall, Paradise and I bet next they will release Princess of China (featuring Rihanna). Generally, these are the keyboard based songs. They’ve ignored the great Charlie Brown, Hurts Like Heaven and Us Against the World – more guitar based tunes. If you don’t show the variety, fewer people might purchase the album.

Still, I think it’s a better album than So. Which is why I couldn’t wait to buy the CD.

And on the back of the CD are 14 symbols which obviously represent the 14 songs. Someone else might understand the symbols for Hurts Like Heaven, Us Against the World, and M.M.I.X. I think the last symbol should be 2009, but it isn’t. If anyone knows how these symbols apply to these songs please let me know.

In the negative column, the CD doesn’t come with lyrics. Perhaps the bots will try to keep tabs on us by watching the statistics at lyrics sites. Again, creepy.

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The Fantastic Three

Posted on 27 October 2011 by Larry Russwurm

The Comics Code of ’61 was for some strange reason adamant that the Fantastic Four needed “unstable molecule” clothing. (Clothing that takes on the traits of the wearer.)

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Elastigirl – Va Va Voom

Posted on 25 October 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Elastigirl of The Incredibles is my pick for the hottest female fictional or otherwise.

If you are thinking “Why her? Aren’t real women hotter?” I would once have agreed with you. I saw The Incredibles years ago and didn’t realize till just recently why Elastigirl is so hot.

Her depiction in the Incredibles is probably the image that her husband wants. But she’s elastic and according to the official sites about her she can become as thin as 1 mm or stretch to 100 ft. (I’m aware of the incongruence in units).

If she can take any form according to those given conditions, she can also take the form of any woman living or dead.

I hadn’t realized the full consequences until the other day when I began taking the notion of shape shifters more seriously. Indeed I realized her potential after finding out that the shape shifter in Terminator 3 made her breasts larger in order to seduce a police officer. Now I still haven’t seen that movie so thank you Internet.

Any breasts. Any body. Any face. Imagine being the lover of Elastigirl. “I’ve got a hankering for Scarlett Johansson tonight,” you could say and if Elastigirl was in a good mood you might get her to appear exactly like Scarlett Johansson. Or Jessica Alba. Or Megan Fox. Etc.

“You’re every woman in the world to me,” goes the Air Supply song. If Elastigirl were your lover she could easily be that.

Here was recent negative Barbie propaganda from O Magazine. Check the link and the real model with a Barbie’s outline inked on top. Barbie may have an impossible physique and face structure, but it’s not impossible for Elastigirl to copy the form.

Elastigirl could take other “impossible” forms. She could do her Jessica Rabbit. Maybe a Miss Piggy. Leela the cyclops could be done. C’mell the girly girl cat/human. Or a simple four breasted alien female. You get the idea, use your imagination.

There are a couple disadvantages. Firstly I bet Elastigirl’s total substance would probably stay constant. So if you like tall, heavier women you can’t also have your Elastigirl be skinny and short. But I am willing to forgive this disadvantage.

The other disadvantage? Your Elastigirl wouldn’t have the colouring of every woman in the world. Favourite colourings could be negotiated. Maybe one constant colouring would do or on a monthly basis colourings could be changed.

Pregnancy could be easy if it comes to it. Elastigirl could hide it or her lover might like her lumpy. And for someone who can stretch or deform any part of her body, she should have it easy when in labour.

Really there is only one problem with all this. Elastigirl might want someone who could somehow be every man in the world to her. Like Plastic Man, Elongated Man or Mr. Fantastic. Someone who could have any face or body or look like different fictional men. So even if shape shifters could be real, you and myself might have no chance with one. Ah well, it can remain a crush.

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Honest Jobs for John Edward

Posted on 22 October 2011 by Larry Russwurm

You may remember my nasty post over half a year ago regarding John Edward. He is of course the crummy psychic of Crossing Over fame. I thought of him because again he was on daytime TV. This time it was the bad judgment of the Anderson Cooper show that gave this trashy psychic the spotlight.

Yes, again, I want to say that we don’t have to watch Anderson’s talk show if he keeps having such junk programming. His credibility falls as a journalist – just as Dr. Oz’s credibility fell for me as a doctor for having Edward on.

John Edward’s cold readings really are cold of him. He takes a vulnerable group, the grieving, and to my eyes preys upon them.

But instead of focusing on just the negative today, I’d like to offer something positive. John Edward is a reasonably bright and talented man. Perhaps he can use his powers for lesser evils.

His power of pulling the wool over other people’s eyes ought to stand him in good stead as a publicist. And as a publicist he’d be dealing with other famous people as he already has a penchant for doing like with Dr. Oz and Anderson Cooper. If his clients were famous and getting married he could also use his powers of saying something vague that neither confirms or denies any direct questions.

Being vague is also a great skill of successful politicians. Combined with the ability to pull the wool over people’s eyes he would be just peachy in the political world. Some would say cold readings for the grieving are a lesser evil than politicking. But politicking looks more honourable. So much so that politicians in my country (Canada), demand the title of honourable when they are elected to parliament.

Finally, many a lyricist has made a fortune off of songs that appeal to many people. John Edward can be so vague sometimes that he could be speaking to these many people. And if he chose to perform this music himself, he has had experience in dealing with crowds. At his age I doubt he’d appeal to the crowd surfing, mosh pit crowd but Leonard Cohen and William Shatner have had some success with straight spoken word music.

So there you go John Edward. You could make an honourable change to your career. Promise you’ll do it and I’ll promise I won’t make a voodoo doll of you. For you see,voodoo sounds realistic compared to the things you want an audience to believe.

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