Creation Humour

Posted on 16 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

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Amish-Mennonite Smackdown

Posted on 12 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

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Why Can’t the Seat of Emotions be in Another Organ

Posted on 9 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

It’s oh so poetical to say our emotions are in our heart. This leads to sometimes stupid symbolism like “Show me the shape of your heart.”

But probably the most famous metaphor is to say you are heartbroken when somebody you love doesn’t care for your feelings. This is a silly metaphor because we all know that when a real heart is broken you will die.

Now some of you are probably frothing at the bit to tell me heart transplants can lead to multiple loves for the heart symbol. But are you seriously telling me there are fewer loves on this planet than there are people? Experience should tell you otherwise.

I say why not change organs for our metaphors. How about a gall bladder? You can live with your gall bladder removed, so why not make it the seat of emotion?

You can then have many loves and losses and thus get a more realistic love life than the heart metaphor provides.

It’s just that the first time you have your gall bladder “broken”, it will be orders of magnitude more important than the 2nd or 3rd time. Because breaking your gall bladder a 2nd or 3rd time is really not that important when it is dead and can’t feel already.

So how about the kidneys? There are two of them so you can get your kidney broken more than once. Indeed, there might even be hope for the serial monogamists amongst you. With kidney transplants you can have a round 3 or even 4 of love.

There are places in the developing world where you can buy a kidney and the operation to put it to use. And there are places in the developing world to get a mail order bride and that can lead to a love.

And what about this? If your kidney is operated on, perhaps you could get a surgeon to make one end pointy and the other will remain bulbous. With two kidneys like this, you could put the two pointy ends together and the combination would look more like the “heart shape” than a real heart.

Which reminds me that I laughed when the movie “I Heart Huckabees” came out. I was so entranced by that shape, that I though it was more accurate than the love in the “I love NY” campaign. But really both are silly translations of the “heart shape”. How about “I ’emotional seat’ Huckabees”. Or “I ’emotional seat’ NY”.

And I know there are other organs. And indeed people talk about “gut feelings”. So maybe you will make up your own metaphor for the seat of emotions. I’ll stick with my kidneys and the rest of the world will undoubtedly stick with their heart and heart shape.

All this when we know all along the brain and the hormonal system is largely responsible for all emotions.

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Things That Make Sense Can Be Deeply Funny

Posted on 5 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

I was going to rail against a quote in the Natalie Imbruglia song Wishing I Was There. But the two lines “I wish you made sense, Like a joke that no one gets” are fine sentences and don’t need to be railed against. I thought about this incorrectly at first; it does not follow that all jokes that make sense, no one gets.

Indeed I care so much because half my humour is “things that make sense”. What I keep doing is following the logic until a piece is humourous. This is a common strategy in political cartoons, and something I picked up on. And indeed, I’m going to pick on my political cartoons that I previously posted to this site to show my humour is half “things that make sense”.

In Blast From the Past II, I have 5 political cartoons. In the first one are three secondary jokes that make sense: “I sense voter dissatisfaction” said by counselor Troy makes sense and “Please Captain, let me meet with the Lesbian splinter group – I can show them the light” said by Ryker makes sense if you’ve seen the planet of lesbians show that he visited and made at least one “lesbian” see the light and the 3rd comment by Jacques O’ Christmas Tree saying that “Is there any doubt retro 70’s is in?” when fashions of the time were retro 70’s and Jean Chretien himself became famous in the 70’s.

In the 2nd cartoon the “Well blow my top” comment by the whale is of course true. “Sure am glad about the moratorium on cod fishing” said by the Harp Seal also makes sense.

In the 3rd cartoon the harp seal saying “’arp” when being whipped also makes sense for why harp seals are called harp seals.

In the 4th cartoon the chicken says “I balk at the sight.” The pun as well as straight forward explanation make sense.

As well, some of the cartoons listed at this site’s menu also make sense. In Jacques 2003 Arnie a couple statements make sense : Arnie saying “But we don’t mind Canadians helping with the wildfires” and Jacques saying: “Wildfires? I’ll go up like a Christmas tree on January 15th”.

In Jacques 2003 Paperless Society, a magnate says “Last time someone said paperless society someone else said computer printer and it was hard to keep up with demand” which makes sense.

Jacques 2003 Paul Martin, is a literal visualization of what Paul Martin was most famous for and thus made sense.

In Jacques 2003 Smith/NDP War the Smith presenter makes sense. He says “It’s a sad day when NDP becomes a surname. Imagine what would happen if all NDP supporters were to change their name in this way. With 17% of the popular vote in Ontario, it would become the most popular surname!”

So I know that at least half of my political humour has been “things that make sense”. I suspect that with many political cartoonists, the same can be said. Indeed, I wouldn’t be surprised if that much of my blog humour is “things that make sense”.

Logic remains a big proportion of my humour. And I foresee it being so for some time. Indeed, I wonder if “observational humour” (which describes Seinfeld for instance), is another big category of “things that make sense” but are also deeply funny.

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I Think I’ve Been Experimented On

Posted on 2 November 2011 by Larry Russwurm

The new Coldplay album, Mylo Xyloto is out. I’ve been waiting since June because I wrote this post mentioning Coldplay and some thing, perhaps human, perhaps a bot, alerted me that Every Teardrop is a Waterfall was out. I checked it out, found the song on YouTube, and read the comments. The comments led me to more songs. I liked them all quite a bit so it’s been a long wait for the album which came out just last week.

It is indeed a 45 minute album and thus a throwback to the eighties when it was easier to write solid albums, not the 60 minute monstrosities that became commonplace in the late eighties to mid noughties. I’ve been watching and listening to these Coldplay songs on YouTube for months. Indeed the album is filled with them. But two that I found did not find a place on the album.

Moving to Mars was on the Every Teardrop is a Waterfall EP but is not on the album. Another song, Don Quixote, said it was a new song but also was not on the album. I don’t mind. I only listened to either song a couple times. It was obvious which songs I liked. I played them numerous times.

Mylo Xyloto is filled with the songs I listened to numerous times plus a couple, Don’t Let it Break Your Heart and Up With the Birds which I had never heard before. I believe that Coldplay and the music company were deliberately experimenting on me and the others doing the same thing. The numbers probably let them know Moving to Mars and Don Quixote were weak and thus the substitution of these songs on the album with new ones.

I kind of like my vote being counted, still it’s kind of creepy when you realize what happened.

I’d like to compare this album with an eighties one, So by Peter Gabriel. It is also a solid 40 minute album. In retrospect I find the promotion of it to have been one dimensional. The songs I know as singles, Sledgehammer and Big Time and Don’t Give Up(with Kate Bush) were rather one sided. These songs were kind of the same and releasing them as singles gives no inkling that the great Red Rain and In Your Eyes were on that same album.

Indeed, I went for years not knowing Red Rain was from this album and didn’t hear In Your Eyes till modern reality TV singing shows. So, record company and Peter Gabriel, I did buy the album but years later. So I got it used and you missed a payment from me. The album is a pillar of my CD collection.

Similarly Coldplay released Every Teardrop is a Water Fall, Paradise and I bet next they will release Princess of China (featuring Rihanna). Generally, these are the keyboard based songs. They’ve ignored the great Charlie Brown, Hurts Like Heaven and Us Against the World – more guitar based tunes. If you don’t show the variety, fewer people might purchase the album.

Still, I think it’s a better album than So. Which is why I couldn’t wait to buy the CD.

And on the back of the CD are 14 symbols which obviously represent the 14 songs. Someone else might understand the symbols for Hurts Like Heaven, Us Against the World, and M.M.I.X. I think the last symbol should be 2009, but it isn’t. If anyone knows how these symbols apply to these songs please let me know.

In the negative column, the CD doesn’t come with lyrics. Perhaps the bots will try to keep tabs on us by watching the statistics at lyrics sites. Again, creepy.

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The Fantastic Three

Posted on 27 October 2011 by Larry Russwurm

The Comics Code of ’61 was for some strange reason adamant that the Fantastic Four needed “unstable molecule” clothing. (Clothing that takes on the traits of the wearer.)

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Elastigirl – Va Va Voom

Posted on 25 October 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Elastigirl of The Incredibles is my pick for the hottest female fictional or otherwise.

If you are thinking “Why her? Aren’t real women hotter?” I would once have agreed with you. I saw The Incredibles years ago and didn’t realize till just recently why Elastigirl is so hot.

Her depiction in the Incredibles is probably the image that her husband wants. But she’s elastic and according to the official sites about her she can become as thin as 1 mm or stretch to 100 ft. (I’m aware of the incongruence in units).

If she can take any form according to those given conditions, she can also take the form of any woman living or dead.

I hadn’t realized the full consequences until the other day when I began taking the notion of shape shifters more seriously. Indeed I realized her potential after finding out that the shape shifter in Terminator 3 made her breasts larger in order to seduce a police officer. Now I still haven’t seen that movie so thank you Internet.

Any breasts. Any body. Any face. Imagine being the lover of Elastigirl. “I’ve got a hankering for Scarlett Johansson tonight,” you could say and if Elastigirl was in a good mood you might get her to appear exactly like Scarlett Johansson. Or Jessica Alba. Or Megan Fox. Etc.

“You’re every woman in the world to me,” goes the Air Supply song. If Elastigirl were your lover she could easily be that.

Here was recent negative Barbie propaganda from O Magazine. Check the link and the real model with a Barbie’s outline inked on top. Barbie may have an impossible physique and face structure, but it’s not impossible for Elastigirl to copy the form.

Elastigirl could take other “impossible” forms. She could do her Jessica Rabbit. Maybe a Miss Piggy. Leela the cyclops could be done. C’mell the girly girl cat/human. Or a simple four breasted alien female. You get the idea, use your imagination.

There are a couple disadvantages. Firstly I bet Elastigirl’s total substance would probably stay constant. So if you like tall, heavier women you can’t also have your Elastigirl be skinny and short. But I am willing to forgive this disadvantage.

The other disadvantage? Your Elastigirl wouldn’t have the colouring of every woman in the world. Favourite colourings could be negotiated. Maybe one constant colouring would do or on a monthly basis colourings could be changed.

Pregnancy could be easy if it comes to it. Elastigirl could hide it or her lover might like her lumpy. And for someone who can stretch or deform any part of her body, she should have it easy when in labour.

Really there is only one problem with all this. Elastigirl might want someone who could somehow be every man in the world to her. Like Plastic Man, Elongated Man or Mr. Fantastic. Someone who could have any face or body or look like different fictional men. So even if shape shifters could be real, you and myself might have no chance with one. Ah well, it can remain a crush.

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Honest Jobs for John Edward

Posted on 22 October 2011 by Larry Russwurm

You may remember my nasty post over half a year ago regarding John Edward. He is of course the crummy psychic of Crossing Over fame. I thought of him because again he was on daytime TV. This time it was the bad judgment of the Anderson Cooper show that gave this trashy psychic the spotlight.

Yes, again, I want to say that we don’t have to watch Anderson’s talk show if he keeps having such junk programming. His credibility falls as a journalist – just as Dr. Oz’s credibility fell for me as a doctor for having Edward on.

John Edward’s cold readings really are cold of him. He takes a vulnerable group, the grieving, and to my eyes preys upon them.

But instead of focusing on just the negative today, I’d like to offer something positive. John Edward is a reasonably bright and talented man. Perhaps he can use his powers for lesser evils.

His power of pulling the wool over other people’s eyes ought to stand him in good stead as a publicist. And as a publicist he’d be dealing with other famous people as he already has a penchant for doing like with Dr. Oz and Anderson Cooper. If his clients were famous and getting married he could also use his powers of saying something vague that neither confirms or denies any direct questions.

Being vague is also a great skill of successful politicians. Combined with the ability to pull the wool over people’s eyes he would be just peachy in the political world. Some would say cold readings for the grieving are a lesser evil than politicking. But politicking looks more honourable. So much so that politicians in my country (Canada), demand the title of honourable when they are elected to parliament.

Finally, many a lyricist has made a fortune off of songs that appeal to many people. John Edward can be so vague sometimes that he could be speaking to these many people. And if he chose to perform this music himself, he has had experience in dealing with crowds. At his age I doubt he’d appeal to the crowd surfing, mosh pit crowd but Leonard Cohen and William Shatner have had some success with straight spoken word music.

So there you go John Edward. You could make an honourable change to your career. Promise you’ll do it and I’ll promise I won’t make a voodoo doll of you. For you see,voodoo sounds realistic compared to the things you want an audience to believe.

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Poor Millionaires and a Possible Penance for Cherry

Posted on 19 October 2011 by Larry Russwurm

It’s becoming more and more well documented that concussions are serious. Largely news of this reaches us from the sport of football and studies done on exNFLers. Which makes sense – the most likely sport for getting a concussion is football. And many footballers receive multiple concussions.

You can take this link to a more in depth article about those footballers, but largely it says that long term consequences of concussions can be very serious. First of all there is dementia, many footballers have serious dementia for the last 10, 20, 30 years of their lives. 3 or more concussions give a much larger chance for the footballer to experience depression than the regular public. If you play too soon after a first concussion, a player can die of 2nd impact syndrome. Between 1980 and 1993, 17 deaths were attributed to this.

Those are the most serious consequences. Also don’t forget that after a first concussion, it is much easier to get more concussions. As well, concussions lead to headaches and memory loss to further exacerbate things in the long run.

Professional sports have been slow to react to the long term effects of concussion. I write this in a bid to speed things along.

I’m not sure where football is going to go with all this, I pay more attention to hockey. There are now groups trying to eliminate head shots. And it would be hypocritical to allow fighting to proceed when this mainly is about blows to the head of opponents.

The information is so compelling that I now feel sympathy to millionaire hockey players. Previously I didn’t care to such a degree that I had cheered checks to Eric Lindros that ended with him having a concussion. Maybe this was rebellion in the nineties to all the press that he was “the Next One” i.e. The next Lemieux or Gretzky. Lindros had multiple concussions so he is at high risk for lifetime problems. I now feel for him and wish him well even though he still has many millions.

And “the Next Next One”, Sydney Crosby, has been out with a concussion for months and months. Just when it seemed he was starting to turn on the jets and really becoming as good as Gretzky and Lemieux (see his goal to win gold at the 2010 Olympics).

It’s become obvious that the big fast guys in the NHL are marking the Next Ones. They know that if they can hit them just right a glorious career can fizzle to mediocrity. I now fear a world without any Next Ones. Sure I liked Lemieux and Gretzky but I don’t want all their records to last in perpetuity. So some parts of the NHL are lobbying for no head hits and no fighting.

For little fighting we can thank the Europeans all these years for thinking ahead and making that a part of their game for decades. Indeed, I think Europe managed to curate a better hockey experience for decades, now. It’s time Canada took the lead in hockey again, got Don Cherry to do the penance of praising European leadership for the last long while and take it further. Canadians should make it so there are absolutely no head shots and no fights. If Don Cherry refuses to do an about face and take the lead on this, I say he needs to lose any soapboxes he has now.

Hockey, at least, can largely be played concussion free. I wonder if that’s even possible in football.

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Puke Gets Cartoond

Posted on 16 October 2011 by Larry Russwurm

Once there was a really cool cat who was the god of hockey. Now, like every cat, this cool cat had a fur ball and one day hacked it up in the country of Canada. .

This furball, or puke, had a very ruddy complexion (probably because it was always angry) so the cool cat named it Cherry.

Cherry was one of the most prejudiced pukes around. He got away with it, though, because his target was Eastern Europeans and most Eastern Europeans look like most Canadians.

Because of his association with the god of hockey, Cherry got jobs in the business of hockey. Soon he began going by the title of Don because , like mafia dons, he had a lot of power he didn’t deserve.

He dressed flamboyantly in the oddest of suits to make sure we respected his power.

To this day, Don Cherry is in the high levels of hockey leadership. Perhaps one day Canadians will see that he is truly biased and demand of this puke the same level of civility they demand of their politicians.

Someday soon, maybe 3 enforcers will be waiting for him.

And maybe, once retired, we will finally realize that fake vomit in one of those flamboyant suits, has just as much to give as Don Cherry.

For some context, check here.

UPDATE: I of course didn’t see the apology last Saturday night on Coach’s Corner to the three enforcers. Here is the news about it I found  Remember you can direct your displeasure at Cherry and Coach’s Corner to: ombudsman@cbc.ca . I’m preparing what might be a totally serious post on why this has come to a head now and the possible end to fighting in the NHL.

 

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