The Human Town

Posted on 29 January 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Look at this town built in the mountains of Sicily. Yes it looks suspiciously like a very large human. The odds of this, I imagine are pretty low. Sicily is an island in the Mediterranean just off the coast of Italy. You know, the peninsula that looks strikingly like a boot.

What are the odds that these two geographical anomalies would be so close together? I would say the odds are very low, so much so that my mind has crunched on the problem so hard that I think I have a valid theory for their proximity to each other.

Let’s say some early Italian peoples were more advanced than the others. The Etruscans come to mind. In fact maybe they were more advanced in ways than the rest of antiquity. Perhaps some inventive person developed a shrink/grow ray gun.

But something went wrong in the testing phase.

S/he was enamoured with stories of seven league boots and the fact you could travel seven leagues with a single pace. With such size, you could travel to all corners of the Mediterranean in minutes. So in boots that weren’t initially seven leagues, s/he aimed the grow ray at themselves. S/he grew so tall that they were soon gasping for air in the higher atmosphere.

Realizing their mistake, s/he changed the grow ray to a shrink ray and in their panic to do so, kicked off one of their boots. This of course led to flailing and accidentally crashing into what would become Centuripe and the end of the inventor S/he.

But the shrink/grow ray gun hadn’t broken yet and accidentally focused on the one boot across the Strait of Messina. It grew and grew until the peninsula of Italy was formed. Then it’s power either ran out or the ray gun was overheated and disintegrated.

And that my friends is the origin story of Centuripe and Italy.

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A Good Judge of Horseflesh

Posted on 22 January 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Before you tell some woman that you love them, be very careful. Mostly, you have to worry about an “I love you!” return. If you don’t get this return, the following may happen to you.

After saying the “I love you!”, what if she doesn’t respond in kind and instead beams at you and says, “Thank you!”? Then she keeps beaming at you.

You’re probably thinking that this is the best possible outcome considering there was no “I love you!” return. But it could also be something else.

Then the magical time comes when she gets you to hold her keys. That’s a sign, you say to yourself, of her trusting you. She might not trust you so much if you hadn’t said “I love you!” The relationship is now in a new stage.

Then the magical time comes when she gets you to hold her purse. Why that’s just further evidence that she really does trust you. Sure it’s a bit embarrassing, standing there and holding her purse but it is also great when you think of how much she trusts you. You also further that trust by not opening any of the compartments and seeing what is inside. Now she will have proof of your love.

Then the magical time comes when she gets you to hold her high heels. This is even more evidence that she trusts you completely. She might be testing your love but that is okay. How she ever managed to walk and stand in these things before you said “I love you!”, you’ll never know. But now she has you and things are different. Now you know why she beamed when you told her you loved her. It’s because she was an excellent judge of horseflesh.

Or at least an excellent judge of things related to horseflesh. Then, you finally get it. She was beaming because at last she had her pack mule she had longed for all her life. What a couple you make. Woman and pack mule.

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Blanket Statements

Posted on 15 January 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Blankets help me sleep. I bet they help the vast majority of us with sleep. I can especially tell in the summer, when my bedroom is too warm to wear a blanket during attempted sleep. I have a much harder time sleeping without a blanket and in the heat.

An electric blanket heats up evenly to help you sleep in the cooler months. This helps people with their sleep, especially if they are sick.

But I’m sick of living with the tyranny of the electric blanket. Electric shouldn’t always mean heat. I suspect some smart cookie is going to figure a way for an electric blanket to cool you as you sleep. This would be a great invention for the summer months. I wouldn’t mind cooling under a blanket in the summer months. I bet my sleep would improve.

The other thing that makes a blanket good for your sleep is the weight of it on your body. Even the slight weight of a thin bed sheet in the right time of year, aids in helping me sleep. Of course, on winter’s coldest night, two comforters on top of each other help me sleep even more. The added weight could easily be responsible.

So they sell weighted blankets to help with sleep. They actually are supposed to help with stress and anxiety, but that helps sleep, too. I was interested in seeing that they weigh between 5 and 30 pounds. Or basically from the weight of a small cat to the weight of a mid size dog. I was actually surprised to see them be as much as 30 pounds, but if it works, I will allow it.

One problem with the weighted blanket is that they are hot to lie under. Again, smart cookie, make a cooling blanket and this all can be alleviated.

Anyhow too much weight is bad for sleeping. Imagine if you had a 200 pound blanket on top of you. You would have to lie on your side, I imagine, so you could breathe easier. Then again you can have so much weight (many tons) that you can sleep very quickly and deeply and for untold eons or until they finally bury you.

Some weeks ago I saw an article in my newsfeed that the trust in media is at an all time low. I simply don’t buy it.

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The 100 Mile High Club

Posted on 8 January 2022 by Larry Russwurm

We’ve all heard about the mile high club. That’s the club where a randy couple have sex on a plane that is flying. Usually the plane is flying that high. So you can guess what I mean by a 100 mile high club. This is sex in space. In particular zero gravity sex.

Now zero gravity sex could have been attempted on the vomit comet. That’s the plane that does parabolas so the flyers experience zero gravity for about 25seconds at a time. But this is hardly enough time for even the fastest quick draw to have sex with a partner. So I don’t think zero gravity sex has been done in a plane.

Zero gravity sex may have even been attempted on the international space station. I’m not sure if there is much or even any privacy to be had on this space station. But some couples would thrive on a lack of privacy. No, where they’re being stopped is the unfortunate point that sex liquids might fly anywhere in the space station after being released. All the other astronauts are likely to inhale these liquids.

No I don’t think zero gravity sex has happened yet in space. But that’s why there are three private consortiums working on making space hotels.

What would be the cost? Well if Bezos charges $28 million to go up 60 miles, getting to orbit is likely to cost $100 million. So for a couple, it would be $200 million.

I’d also expect that the couple would go up for two weeks. One week to practice and get accustomed to the space hotel and zero gravity, and another week to have the best sex of their lives. But not so long that they’d have to do targeted exercise 4 hours a day, like long term astronauts in zero gravity do. Just so those same astronauts can still walk when they get back to earth.

But would the few couples able to afford such a trip, actually go? If you’re a billionaire and bored of everything – sure. It’s a new experience. If you’re engaged to a billionaire you might demand zero gravity sex for your honeymoon. After all it is a couples activity to consummate your love. If you are a billionaire and really, really want someone, offer them a trip with you to a space hotel. What an innocent sounding way to say I’d pay $100 million dollars to have sex with you for two weeks.

It’s only a matter of time before the first zero gravity porno movie is made. The billion dollar porno movie, that is, because it would have five couples who must all be trained to help shoot the movies as well. How could it possibly make back its money? Using all possible sex combinations amongst the ten, they would actually shoot 10 pornos over their two weeks. They could then sell each to a million people for $100 a piece. It won’t be a big moneymaker. But I’d expect it to break even.

There would then be a race to conceive the first baby in space. Expect names like Starchild, Stella, Orbitzo, and Luna etc. to be in vogue for awhile. Most will probably only be $200 million dollar babies. But expect the press to call them billion dollar babies. Those of us old enough to remember Alice Cooper will laugh. Because of these hopeful conceptions, expect the rocket schedules to have to synch with the woman’s maximum fertility.

So you might hear about space hotels and the wonderful experiments they are doing up there. And the beautiful views to be had. But the draw for most humans will be the zero gravity sex. The couples will perform their own experiments I expect.

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Best Posts of 2021

Posted on 1 January 2022 by Larry Russwurm

It’s that time of year where I pick my favourite posts of the the year and hence miss writing an original post for the week. Yes it is that time of year where I get a break from deadline stress. The very happiest time of year for me.

At the start of last year I liked the post Red, White and Chartreuse. It’s points are funny yet true. Who doesn’t like laughing at the truth?

Every time I think of farming tails by banging a gong in Meat for Vegetarians, I laugh. The only problem with this post is that I said that this should be good for all vegetarians. I should have said some vegetarians.

Practice Makes Perfect could be the prime directive in an alternate sports league. With this prime directive, instead of timing a 100 meter run, you could measure the distance of a 10 second run. Boom! More practice for the winner.

Premeditated Post asks if other crimes that are premeditated should have stiffer sentences. Like premeditated murder, I think they should.

Quota Time outlines three ways an Ontario cop might make their quota for the month.

Rainbow Adventure is exactly that and is wrapped up in only a page and a half.

I hope you enjoyed some of these posts and we hope to see you again for the rest of 2022.

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Method Writing

Posted on 25 December 2021 by Larry Russwurm

We’ve all heard of method acting where the actor tries to fully inhabit the space of their character. So this is less about acting and more about just doing what your character would do. Presumably this gives a more realistic portrayal.

Method writing would be more of a universe thing. The author would try to inhabit the universe or the milieu and basically try everything that is in their book. So how is method writing affected by all of the genres that it is in? Let’s have a look.

A romance method writer might have to have a lot of dalliances and affairs. Thus I don’t ever recommend marriage to method romance writers unless they’re honest and agree to an open marriage. It wouldn’t hurt to try to be up on STDs and proper protection.

Fantasy method writers, practically by definition, can’t really exist. The closest thing I can see is those who are lucid dreamers writing only about their dreams. Or drug users writing about their trips. Perhaps we’ll see more complete Xanadus. These method writers would be the most likely to be drug addicts.

Science fiction writers like to explore technological milieus we have never seen. These would be impossible to method write about. But, it’s just slightly possible that would-be method science fiction writers are trying to be abducted by aliens right now.

Method murder mystery writers would be of special interest to the cops. So expect these writers to not yell it from the rooftops what they are. Imagine getting proof of one of these scum having murdered someone. You could easily prove first degree murder simply by using one of their books as a guide. There would be little to no doubt.

The horror fiction of a method writer would be less about the supernatural and more about the grotesque. If I heard someone was a method horror writer, I would give them a wide, wide berth.

How about method literature writers? Those slice of life authors could be anyone. Precisely because they could be anyone, they are boring beyond belief. As are their books. Maybe their characters will impress you. But because it’s slice of life stuff, you’ve undoubtedly tripped over the characters before in other stories.

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Giant Flying Space Phalluses

Posted on 18 December 2021 by Larry Russwurm

Jeff Bezos was so excited last year when he was brought the final designs for his New Shepard rocket. But one of his employees was disgruntled enough to say what everyone else was thinking.

“So there’ll be giant flying space phalluses next year,” he said.

“Oh!” said Bezos clearly shocked. “And I’ll be in a position to see them. Everything is coming together for next year.”

“Uh, sure.”

So Bezos made sure the life support system had great windows so as to see the giant flying space phalluses as easily as possible.

Earlier this year he was excited to go up in the New Shepard rocket but depressed while up there because he didn’t see any giant flying space phalluses. He didn’t want to be a downer for the press that would eventually interview him about his flight. So he expressed his feelings to his brother, Mark.

Mark said, “Maybe the giant flying space phallus is right here,” and he tapped his brother on the temple.

“Oh!” said Jeff Bezos. “So the giant flying space phallus has been right here all along. All I have to do is uncover it.”

“Something like that,” said Mark.

“Well, since it’s been in my brain, I’ll need to get it out with LSD or something. Mark! Do you know where to get LSD?”

“Hush up and enjoy the free fall. We’ve only got a minute left!”

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The Thunder Bug

Posted on 11 December 2021 by Larry Russwurm

Lightning bugs are sometimes followed by the much slower thunder bugs. Indeed thunder bugs are so loud, they often scare away the faster lightning bugs.

If they follow lightning bugs, why haven’t you heard them before when you have seen lightning bugs? Well quite simply they are predators that eat lightning bugs and they are rather poor at it. Lightning bugs move faster, thunder bugs alert lightning bugs to their presence with their loud noise, and the noises tell lightning bugs where exactly to go that doesn’t have the noise.

As predators, thunder bugs suck. So they are not very numerous. Some stay alive by feasting on those unlucky bugs that get between thunder bugs and lightning bugs.

The young stay alive because they haven’t found their voices yet. So those are likely to catch the odd lightning bug.

Once they are old enough to find their voices, though, they are so proud of it that they never shut up when on the hunt.

Occasionally another predator bites into a lightning bug. But the taste of the blood to other predators is gross. Only thunder bugs like the taste. So the thunder bugs can also live off the rest of another creature’s kill.

So next time you see a lightning bug, just maybe you will hear the mighty crash of a thunder bug following much further behind.

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Halloween’s Revenge

Posted on 4 December 2021 by Larry Russwurm

I’m so lightning fast that I thought of a Halloween post in December. While most would think that’s a couple months late, I claim it’s about 10 months early.

But of course I won’t remember 10 months from now so it’s being posted today. Just think of it as revenge for all the times people began gearing up for Christmas in October. November is the proper time for thinking like that. Even then, I think people should remember Remembrance Day first.

I think Halloween is rotting the minds of our youth. How do they ever expect to be a door to door salesperson? On Halloween they just say the three magic words and they get what they want. At the very first house.

If there were three magic words that could make your product very, very salable to the masses, I imagine you could make a fortune informing salesmen all over the world about it. Even with three magic words involved in selling your product, it likely wouldn’t sell at every house. No, trick or treating has nothing to teach our youth about the realities of life.

In fact, trick or treating has something bad to show our children. It leaves us with the idea that blackmailing can pay off quite handsomely. And it seems quite low risk because no one ever reports you because you kept your ask quite minimal – you’re just doing the ask of a hundred different people to make up for it.

As an adult, what could you possibly blackmail a group for? I think you could use almost anything that lowers the property value in an area. For instance you could say that a few blocks were high crime areas. But you had better have proof to back it up. Then you could ask for $100 from every house in that area to not make their property values head south.

But what about that proof? You could say that thousands of unreported felonies were committed in the area. All you have to do is take video at Halloween of all the kids trick or treating. They are committing a felony at every house that they say the magic words to. Then those same kids are being paid off in candy.

Some in the community might want to keep this ongoing grift. In your blackmail letter you can say you will turn a blind eye to it in future years. But for now you want your $100 bill. From 100 houses, that makes $10 000. I think I’ve found the three magic words for adults. Mass production blackmail.

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The Blame Game

Posted on 27 November 2021 by Larry Russwurm

It seems fair to blame young adults for their failures to launch. That is getting a job, being self sufficient and not living at home till they are thirty-five.

First of all in my jurisdiction of Ontario, there is a sub minimum wage for students under the age of 18. So first of all young people aren’t paid the same as others in the economy. I bet this would change if we allowed 16 and 17 year olds to vote.

Unpaid internships are a big thing in the USA. Usually they are only permitted in non profit companies. They are also permitted in for profit companies if it is seen to give more benefit to the intern than the employer. In other words the employer must teach more than they get work done for themselves in the arrangement.

Non profits have more unpaid interns. It is assumed that you subscribe to the principles of the non profit and so don’t mind working for free.

And again, In my jurisdiction of Ontario, to graduate from high school, you need a certain amount of hours of volunteer work. Obviously the movers and shakers in our society have not looked up volunteer in the dictionary. When it’s mandatory, it is not voluntary. So I hereby mandate the intellectual titans who came up with this, to go to the front lines in any war we are in in the future. I will say they volunteered.

Anyhow, we keep enshrining in law how young adults can have their work devalued. Then we accuse them of laziness, lack of success and not meeting the standards of a long ago age where work from young people was valued more.

Then we wonder about young people saying, “Okay Boomer.”

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