Rotting as a Virtue

Posted on 9 May 2012 by Larry Russwurm

It’s not just one foodie (a self appointed food expert) that has put forward rotting as a virtue. It is many. They take pictures of food that just doesn’t rot and laugh at it as if it had no nutritional value at all. And then they turn around to us and say the best foods are ones with an expiry date. In other words, they value food that rots.

So let’s extend this idea. Almost everyone will agree that rotten eggs are probably the grossest food when rotten. Shouldn’t this mean that it is also the best for you? Foodies? This seems a rational position from your original hypothesis.

And doesn’t rotten meat make us the sickest and makes us more likely to die than other rotten food? If this rotten food is the worst doesn’t it follow that when fresh it is the best?

If these extensions are correct, then vegans might not like being held up to this truth. Make that TRUTH. Although vegan food rots, it is not quite as objectionable when it does so.

Natrel, what are you doing? Filtering milk!? In doing so you are artificially increasing the length of time the milk will last tasting fresh. This is horrible. Your milk must be way more unhealthy than ordinary milk.

And what of those connoisseurs of the unnatural – those who exist off food that keeps the longest? Preppers and Survivalists stock as much food as possible to get through the “end times crunch”. They expect their food to last years, even decades. I bet many of them have tried their future diet out.

But wait, do we have people who have been forced to exist for long periods of time off nothing that was fresh? In wars we have. In exploration, including keeping a presence in Antarctica we have. And if we ever successfully send a team to Mars, quite possible their diet will measure years without anything fresh.

So I think when people come back from wars, we should call them mutants. When people come back from exploring we know their diet made them a crime against nature. When those brave astronauts come back from Mars we should shun them for being made up of food so unnatural.

Being made up of only food that rots will make us rottenly superior.

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Hey-Zeus, the One True God with Massively Multiple Personality Disorder

Posted on 5 May 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Hey-Zeus entered the heavenly prayer room. This was that ingeniously designed room that amplified prayers from all over the world so Hey-Zeus could easily hear them.

“Hail Almighty God,” came one prayer. Hey-Zeus answered “Yo!” a word that would echo in the minds of all present around that prayer.

“Glory be to Allah,” came another prayer. Instantly Hey-Zeus’s personality shifted and “Mo’!” echoed in the minds of all assembled where that prayer was uttered.

“Mercury, make me fleet of foot just like you. If you exist.” Hey-Zeus flipped personalities and laughed. That’s right, the Olympics were coming soon. “Zoom!” would sound in the mind of the lone athlete praying silently.

“Mighty Thor send down your lightning crashes,” requested a storm chaser. “Boom!” answered Hey-Zeus.

Then came a prayer the likes of which Hey-Zeus had never heard before. “I am but a humble pastafarian, oh Flying Spaghetti Monster. With your noodly goodness smite the deniers of your abilities.”

It came with as much as a shock to Hey-Zeus as anyone. Suddenly a switch occurred and Hey-Zeus was a blank slate personality with only “Flying Spaghetti Monster” to go by. So he switched to that form and flew to Earth to the place the prayer was uttered.

It had taken Hey-Zeus so long to fly to his invoker that his target had slammed her front door and the intended targets of her curse were no longer in the vicinity. Hey-Zeus tapped on the window of the room his invoker was in. She paused and looked in disbelief at her Flying Spaghetti Monster. But in order to tap on the window the Flying Spaghetti Monster had to sit on the window ledge and just looked like some limp spaghetti with eyes.

The invoker pulled open the window wide and yelled “Not funny you evangelistic turds!”

Hey-Zeus floated back into the air. “Wha?” said his invoker and Hey-Zeus knew he had made a solid impression.

“Your belief in me has made me real.”

“Woah, with the booming voice, you’re going to give me a headache.”

“Who was it you wanted me to smite?”

“Shouldn’t you know? Who’s behind this? Jessie, are you there?”

“I exist and I wish to please my believer. Who do you want smote?”

“You would look pretty impressive to those Jehovah’s witnesses. I’ll get my video recorder. This’ll be great, Jessie!” The invoker pulled the camera out of a drawer from the kitchen. “Let’s go. I’m hoping you know which way they went.”

“As you wish. Was it a party of 2 going door to door?”

“Yes. You mean you just got here? Coincidence?!

“2 evangelists just got kicked out from another door around the corner.” Hey-Zeus pointed with a noodly appendage.

The invoker followed. “Just don’t smite, smite them. I don’t want to cause a physical fight.”

Hey-Zeus was disappointed. Most of his personalities liked some violence. But he listened. This personality had to learn as it went.

They caught up to the pair of evangelists. “I told you about my god! But you didn’t listen so I brought proof. Cower before the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s noodly goodness!”

Finally having a job to do, Hey-Zeus did some flying acrobatics then finally arose above the pair. In a deep, deep voice that shook the nearby ground Hey-Zeus said, “COWER BEFORE MY SHEER AWESOMENESS!”

One of the pair fell to one knee. The other set his jaw. Using his powers, Hey-Zeus forced the pair to tremble for half a minute. Only after this did he let go and the pair stumbled/ran for their car two blocks away.

His invoker laughed. “That voice was pure awesomeness, Jessie. Come here Flying Spaghetti Monster. I want to try some of your noodles.”

Hey-Zeus just figured this was part of being a pastafarian, so he offered a noodle.

The invoker loved the taste so much she kept breaking off more and more noodles. Eventually most of the spaghetti was gone.

“Great flavour, Jessie,” said the invoker. “I wonder what the features taste like. I imagine the eyes are like the also unblinking candy eyes of chocolate bunnies.”

Hey-Zeus took this as an order by his believer and flavoured himself accordingly.

Finally Hey-Zeus was no longer visible. “Jessie, I’m done if you want to show your face, now,” said the invoker.

But Jessie never did.

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Glowing Hearts

Posted on 2 May 2012 by Larry Russwurm

For the 2010 Winter Olympics, VANOC (Vancouver Organizing Committee) trademarked the phrase, “with glowing hearts”. Now most of you might not be Canadian so you thought “So what?” but this phrase is known to all English speaking Canadians because it is part of our national anthem. In other words, VANOC trademarked something that was in the public domain. Generously, VANOC allows Canadians to still use their national anthem as is.

I’m no trademark lawyer but doesn’t VANOC’s trademark lose some of its clout if it does nothing about possible infringements of its trademark? Like for instance Katy Perry’s use of a similar line in her song “Firework”. It goes, “like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow”. It’s not just her use of a similar phrase that is galling – she even copyrighted this song in 2010 and of course VANOC’s prime concern was in early 2010.

C’mon VANOC, send a take down notice to Youtube. Everybody and their kid sister with the least of copyright claims already has.

And then there is a recent Becel Margarine commercial. In it they use a symbol that is almost literally a glowing heart. You could say, “with glowing hearts” they made this ad. I said almost because real hearts don’t look like the universal symbol for hearts. I don’t know why VANOC isn’t being more territorial with its trademark.

Could it be that VANOC is scared because Katy Perry made a mint off her last album and can afford to defend herself vigorously in court? Or that Becel is a huge brand with tons of marketing behind them, and thus money?

Maybe VANOC is scared that trademarking something in the public domain won’t withstand a challenge. And they already pissed off 30 million Canadians, do they really want to piss off almost 300 million people who’ve watched Firework on Youtube?

On second thought, a quick inspection on Youtube failed to drum up the glowing yellow heart and that Becel ad. Perhaps VANOC is working their lawyer magic as we speak. I’m sorry Katy Perry fans for outing Firework. And then I guess I’ll be next with my glowing hearts title. The VANOC monster will bury us all.

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Name Vetting

Posted on 28 April 2012 by Larry Russwurm

A few years ago, a friend mentioned to me that he liked the name Brian for a boy. One of the reasons he gave for liking the name was that it was a name that wasn’t easily insulted. Of course my brain immediately tried to corrupt Brian. It was easy, in fact. I mentioned flyin’ Brian, cryin’ Brian and my personal favourite, Bri – ANN.

I learned to corrupt names as self defence. My name is usually the first one people think about trying to corrupt when I’m in a group. Maybe my name isn’t as bad as Gaylord Fokker or Mo’ Lester, but still I try my best to dish out as many barbs as I take in. So over the years I got good at it.

I’ve even managed to corrupt the name Jeffrey, a name which 3 elementary school tormentors had. I wish I had been as adept at corrupting names back then. There is of course the obvious deaf Jeff which I never thought of in elementary school. Then there is the less obvious bereft Jefft. And finally I thought of “Ju’ Free us from JeFree”.

I am now ready to offer my services to prospective parents who wish to know the worst that can be dished out with the names of their children. They can change the name to something less troubling for their child to grow up with.

Have you not heard other people say that calling children certain names is child abuse? People might smile at Johnny Cash’s “A Boy Named Sue”, but I’ve never known anyone to actually name a male child Sue. So I think the service I would offer would be valuable.

So, say you give me $10. I’ll work on whatever name you give me and its corruptions for a full half hour and then send you the results. You might be okay with the corruptions I found for the given name. Then you can proceed to name your child since the name has been properly vetted.

Or you could go it alone.

Perhaps you’ll go for a biblical name. After all, hasn’t the creator himself vetted these names? I would say no. Perhaps you would go for the name Joshua. You might realize that whenever people are Joshing they’ll point to him. Or say “Oh my gosh, it’s Josh,” thus taking the creator lightly along with your son.

Or maybe you’ll think popular culture has adequately vetted your names for you. Like say the show Friends where Rachel and Ross’ baby was named Emma. They didn’t vet fully, either. Flem Em, comes to mind. And if enough people named their daughters Emma (especially when Friends was current) there could be more than one Em in a class. Then it could be said, “Em and Em have something brown in the centre but it certainly isn’t chocolate.”

Or maybe you wish to name your child something so boring, at first glance it seems incorruptible. How about John? First of all that’s the name of a prostitute’s customers. And the nickname for a toilet. And how about gone John or con John?

There is only one alternative. You must vet the name with me, prospective parents.

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Someone Forgot His Oath This Morning

Posted on 25 April 2012 by Larry Russwurm

The Green Lantern plummeted out of the sky quickly. Suddenly his ring made a giant green bouncy castle and that is where he landed.

The gathered scientists just coughed and kicked stones, waiting for the superhero to stop bouncing. Finally he bounced out into the throng of scientists. “Whose idea was it to use the Doppler effect to defeat the yellow energy beast?”

All the scientists pointed to Dr. Charles. There was a green flash and then he was gone. “Stupid man. Makes me look like a fool and then wears a white lab coat.”

A brave scientist spoke, “Did you point your beam through the telescope?”

“Yes. I can’t aim it as well without the scope.”

The scientist continued, “What kind of telescope did you use while you were flying so fast toward the yellow energy beast that its colour blue-shifted, Green Lantern, sir?”

“Why a normal telescope, like the one I used as a kid though far bigger.”

“Green Lantern, sir, can you show me a small mock up? It could be important.”

Green Lantern said nothing as his ring gave rise to a green telescope.

“Ahh,” said the scientist. “That’s a refracting telescope. You need a reflecting telescope- one without chromatic aberration that can turn a solid colour into many colours – including yellow. ”

Green Lantern made a book about telescopes appear. “Show me in here.”

The scientist pointed and then a green flash appeared and he disintegrated.

“Let this be a lesson to the rest of you of what happens when you don’t tell me everything I need to know. You’re all so stupid – all in your white lab coats.”

“But we’ve told you how to defeat anything yellow.”

There was a green flash and that scientist, too, disappeared.

“Do we have an understanding?” Green Lantern almost shouted. The scientists mutely nodded.

“Now can you tell me again, how to defeat the yellow energy beast?”

They told him carefully and the instant he was gone all the scientists ran to put on yellow clothes. In case Green Lantern got it wrong again.

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The Vampire Theory

Posted on 21 April 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Check out Darla, the small face in the house, checking out what my two characters are talking about in the yard. Yeah! I checked out layering effects with this Bitstrips scene. I could put the character behind the fence or the tree or in the house as is Darla. But I could go back further, place the figure in the garage window, behind the garage or even so far back they were behind a cloud. That cloud thing is a big thing – you could keep your character at the right size for being in the foreview but when they’re far back, part of their head obscured by a cloud, they will look like a huge monster from far back. So you can make anyone into godzilla sized monster. Maybe that will inspire a cartoon.

Unfortunately I couldn’t get the characters to look like they were in the tree. Also, even though I bent my one character properly to sit in the chair, the closest chair arm disappears behind my character although it should be in front. So there are a couple minor mistakes in the layering of this first scene.

Experiment with Bitstrips scenes or even with things I haven’t discovered at bitstrips.com .

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Improving on the Fallible Coin Flip

Posted on 14 April 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Have you ever had to settle something with a good old fashioned coin flip? It’s not 50/50 odds here in Canada when we use a quarter to settle the dispute. In that case the first side to call the flip almost always wins. You see one side of our quarter is a moose’s head and the other side is an old, old, moose’s head (do your worst monarchist league!) Naturally the first call of heads, wins.

 And a coin flip can be indecisive and land on edge. It’s very rare but can be made more possible when using the coin on lawn to decide something in a sports game.

 Whenever possible, I like to use cats to solve problems, as I own one. For 50/50 odds some might try to use the gender of a strange cat as a deciding factor. But I know that exposure to chemicals can bias the human gender one way or another. I bet it’s the same for a litter of kittens. Then of course there are life factors that can alter things. For instance a mother cat can die in childbirth which could bias the gender of cats toward male.

 But there is a better way to get perfect 50/50 odds with a strange cat. Get the cat to lie on its back and pet its belly. There is exactly a 50% chance that it will love you for life and exactly a remaining 50 % chance that the strange cat will try to shred your hand and arm.

 But wait, you say, what about genetics? Surely some cats have bred just with tummy scratching loving cats. And maybe the arm killers bred with just the arm killers. To disprove this one you need to get kittens from the same litter. You will find litter mates are as unalike as stranger cats.

 So next time you have a problem that can only be solved by pure 50/50 chance, use a strange cat. Be sure to use someone you hate as the tester. Get the tester to rub the cat nicely on the tummy.

 And I don’t want my cat, Bast, stolen for random testing. So I will just out and out say she’s an arm killer. And often times in the middle of a pet she will taunt me by rolling over on her back, exposing only her belly for petting. I stop petting or my arm will become shredded. Who is master of whom?

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Being Negative About Positronic

Posted on 11 April 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Isaac Asimov filled his robots with positronic brains. Positronic was largely a buzz word. The recently discovered (1940’s) positron inspired the name. Asimov may have known more. Like for instance the positron was the antimatter version of the electron. So presumably positronics worked like electronics. A reason to go over to the dark side of antimatter was never given.

Personally I can’t see any positronics being worth the risk of making on-Earth robots out of it. Antimatter has one very troubling feature. When it comes into contact with matter there will be a mutual destruction. Matter-antimatter explosions are a whole level worse than hydrogen bombs. Do you really want a robot with a positronic brain cleaning your house? Are any safeguards good enough, later in the life cycle of the robot, when you have millions of decaying robots, all exposed to different things?

 Positronic brains are silly and should be dismissed easily.

 Still, Star Trek: The Next Generation’s creators thought the positronic brain was so good that they had to get themselves some of that. That show’s robot, Commander Data, also used a positronic brain.

 Maybe they were silly to try this tack.

 Still I can’t get the idea out of my head that there could be an awesome ST:TNG movie where the Enterprise is stuck and needs to leave an area stat. But there are no Dilithium crystals to make the ship go. I can just see Geordi La Forge say to Captain Picard, “If I could just have Commander Data’s head, I could jury rig it into a powerful power source!” Everyone could have a tear soaked goodbye where only Data keeps a dry eye. But of course Data sacrifices himself for the good of the many.

 And if it was my movie, I’d end with Geordi saying “Whoops!” and then a terrible explosion would destroy the Enterprise.

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Confessions of the Japan Thief

Posted on 7 April 2012 by Larry Russwurm

It was after being locked up for theft by Batman in Gotham City that I heard him speaking to Commissioner Gordon. I don’t know why Batman was being confessional but he said to the Commissioner, “You know Superman has no powers at all under a red sun.”

They continued to talk but I only heard bits and snatches of the rest. I gathered that Superman was off in space for his latest mission. Eventually the eavesdropped upon duo left and my mind was abuzz. I knew where to head as soon as I was released.

You know Metropolis’ slogan, “If the cops don’t catch our criminals, Superman will.” Indeed there had been a bit of an exodus of the criminal element from Metropolis and now most of Superman’s crime fighting was done in neighbouring cities.

With the reliance on Superman, Metropolis was probably an easy score.

Knowing that weakness of Superman, I now had an in. I made a suit with the emblem of the rising sun, or setting sun if you will, and copied Japan by making it on a field of white. I knew the time of the sun reddening would only be a few minutes but in that time I could make off with much money.

I travelled to Metropolis and indeed that city was easy pickings. I got away with three sunset robberies. Really, I had enough to retire comfortably on but I continued because I wanted to see if Superman would ever dare to show his face for my robberies. They called me the Japan Thief since I wasn’t there to set the record straight to the press.

Finally I had just finished loading up my unmarked minivan with the bank windfall when Superman showed up. “Don’t come any closer Superman.” I said. “Look at my shirt then look at the setting sun.”

“I knew you had nothing to do with Japan. It was robbing banks at sunset. You should be called the sunset burglar.”

“Run away Superman or I’ll shoot.”

“Crime has no place in my town.”

I decided to become a hero to the oppressed criminal element in Metropolis. I opened up fire and shot Superman in the head, groin and chest. He started approaching me.

“Damn Krytptonian physiology. I have no idea where to land a fatal shot.” I threw the gun away. “I’ll handle this with my fists!” I ran up to Superman.

“Wha?” said Superman.

“I know you’re powerless under a red sun!”

I hit him hard in the head and heard a large, “HA, HA, HA!” I guess it was some weird Kryptonian pain register because Superman fell on his back, continued to make the sound and gave me enough time to get away.

Nightfall came and that precious red sun was soon gone. I was parked in a building 5 miles away from the crime.

All of a sudden a whirlwind came, took the minivan and me to the police station and dropped the load off. The accursed police knew how to handle the situation.

Next time I will continue to attack Superman after that convulsive, “HA, HA, HA!” sound. Obviously he recovered completely when the red setting sun left and he regained his powers. Then he flew and quickly spotted me with his X-ray vision.

And even if I can’t figure out Kryptonian physiology on time to kill him, next time I’ll hide under lead so his X-ray vision will not sniff me out.

Metropolis, I have yet to do my worst.

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Uniqueness of Humanity

Posted on 3 April 2012 by Larry Russwurm

If you’re like me then you’ve heard that humanity sets itself apart from the rest of the animal world in many ways. Like for instance in our use of language.

Of course this particular brand of uniqueness has been under fire for some time. Dolphins and other cetaceans are suspected to have a rich, almost pictorial language. As well, cuttlefish seem to communicate to each other with visual, colourful signals almost like blushing. Even the prosaic wolf is in some circles thought to converse with facial expressions.

And who could deny the overwhelming evidence of Koko the sign language speaking gorilla? This other primate has broken the barrier and said not only are other animals capable of speech, some of them are carrying it out.

So I’ve listened to other characteristics that humanity seems to possess but other animals are not supposed to be capable of. For instance humanity is supposed to be the only species capable of synchronized rhythm.

But then my prosaic black cat named Bast, was twitching her tail the other day to the beat of the song The Scientist by Coldplay. Yes, I realize she has good taste, but I had quite emphatically heard that humanity was the only species capable of keeping the beat to such a song.

We should give up on claiming humanity is so distinctly unique from the animal kingdom. I think the biggest problem with such claims is that all of humanity is being held up as unique.

Why not try for some of humanity being unique? Some of humanity understands quantum physics and this is unique in the animal kingdom. Some of humanity understands history cycles and why it’s not best to repeat the bad parts of history. Don’t worry about holding all humanity to these unique tests. And then you will find we are as unique as we’ve wished to be all these years.

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