There is No Perfect Toy for a Cat

Posted on 22 February 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Cats seem to lord it over anything smaller than themselves. They kill mice, eat flies and even kill rats and rabbits. Cats are tough for their size. This seems to be true all the way up to the big cats.

So you find a toy that moves on its own, a wind up toy, and you think its perfect for the cat. It’s smaller than the cat so there’s no chance that the toy should scare the cat.

You finally get the toy home and in the same room as your cat. You wind up the toy and let it go. And off goes your cat. In the opposite direction. Your tough feline is terrified of this little thing that moves.

Fine. Years later you find an even smaller and even quieter wind up toy that is soft and furry and looks like a mouse. This time it will be different you think.

You get the toy and your cat in the same room again. You wind up the toy and your cat is off again. Again in the opposite direction. Your feline is a big chicken.

As near as I can tell all cats run away from all wind up toys. I’ve known different owners to have the same problem with wind up toys.

Maybe wind up toys sound too much like hissing or growling. Or maybe they sound like a cat’s mortal enemy – the vacuum cleaner. Vacuum cleaners and wind up toys both sound like white noise to me, something that is calming in humans (at low volumes). We must be fundamentally wired differently for sound.

My new black cat, Bast, needed toys so I bought her a mouse with feathers that is on a spring attached to a suction cup. I attached the toy so the suction cup was on my fridge door and the spring and mouse stuck straight out sideways.

I’d envisioned Bast batting away at the mouse with the toy going side to side or up and down or even in a circular motion. Well Bast was attracted to the toy just as I hoped. It’s just that she went for the suction cup.

How dare you defy gravity said my cat the engineer. I must chew at the suction cup till I find its gravity defying trick. It took about a minute for Bast to get it off the fridge. I must have suction cupped it about twenty times to the fridge – always with the same result. Bast would chew at the suction cup till it came off and lay on the floor.

The last time, she must have chewed at the suction cup as the toy lay on the floor. There is a gouge bitten out of the suction cup and now it won’t work anymore. I hope you had fun making garbage, Bast.

From my experience the toys that cats like the most have a bit of catnip on them. Perhaps if the mouse part had catnip, Bast would have played with that end and would still be enjoying her toy. Even if catnip toys aren’t that interesting to cats, they’ll at least attempt to play with the toy.

Now I’ve got a great idea. I’ll put catnip on a windup toy…

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Pickup Cars

Posted on 18 February 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Truck. Truck. Truck. Truck. Truck Truck. Truck. That’s how many times your average pickup truck ad describes their product as just a truck. Only once or twice in the entire piece do they use the full ‘pickup truck’ moniker. A lot of ads deal in wish fulfilment. And it is in our face that pickup truck drivers like to consider themselves truckers.

I don’t consider pickup truck drivers to be truck drivers. There is special training to become even a ‘D’ truck driver. And ‘A’ licences are even harder to come by and involve things like skid training. Pickup truck drivers need none of this. You can drive one if you have an ordinary car licence.

Which is why I wish to call pickup trucks ‘pickup cars’. Not only does it seem more accurate to name those vehicles so, it also helps undo the brainwashing the pickup makers have been foisting down our throats. And if the drivers of these vehicles feel a bit less tough, all the better.

Too often as a pedestrian have I noticed bad driving by pickup drivers. In my experience, it’s way out of proportion to the number of pickups on the road. My current theory is that these drivers are from so far out in the outlying areas that they aren’t used to busy city streets with actual pedestrians. Or at least that’s the theory I can publish because of its lack of swear words.

Since a pedestrian can’t really retaliate against a motorized vehicle at the time, allow me my petty word game. Pickup car. Pickup car. Pickup car. Pickup car. Pickup car. Pickup car.

Of course, now, if I’m ever in a pickle and need something transported by pickup, I guess I might find some of my stuff strewn on the road. Well if I changed even one pickup ad to say truck less often, I consider it worth it.

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What if Average Height Keeps Increasing?

Posted on 15 February 2012 by Larry Russwurm

I was going to cite the information tidbit that was in the margins of one of my elementary school textbooks that said, ‘children will grow up to be one inch taller than their same sex parent’. This may have been true at the time the text book was published, but largely North American height increases have leveled off.

Height science is complex. Here is a New Yorker article that gives a feel for the field. There have been increases and decreases in the average height of different societies throughout history. While North Americans have leveled off, northern Europeans have become some of the tallest people in the world. Especially the Netherlands. Although the field is complex, generally the more healthy a whole society is, the taller the inhabitants will be.

That inch increase noted in that elementary textbook was possibly because of immunizations and antibiotics. Notice that antibiotics aren’t as effective as they once were and various movements have excluded more children from immunization in North America. So maybe the health of the society theory has some legs.

Where will improvements in health stop? There seems to be no end to the things that The Doctors and Dr. Oz can tell us to improve our health. I make the supposition that some societies will become healthier than the Dutch are now and thus average heights will continue an almost dizzying climb.

The first obvious sign of this will be when basketball stops being an exciting professional game and gets downgraded to an amateur sport. When everyone playing can do a slam dunk it won’t be nearly as exciting. And what happens when arms become so long they can reach the net from the foul line? What a boring game to watch.

Houses will have to be abandoned for being too small. Perhaps we’ll build giant houses and give our pets and children the old houses as a play area.

Remember that playground taunt to the tall? “How’s the weather up there?” Well we know from windmills that the higher up you are, generally the windier it is. Maybe we’ll all stoop to avoid the wind.

It would be a challenge for a human heart to pump blood to extremities if we become as tall as giraffes. Thus humanity would evolve into having a relay of hearts getting our blood going where it needs to. With many hearts, when we say we give our heart away, it just wouldn’t have the import that present day humans attach to it.

And of course with humans enlarging, our vocal cords would also lengthen and thus our voices would become lower pitched. Eventually, women and children would sound like Barry White. Men’s voices would become subsonic. Indeed you would have to kick men in the balls to make their voices rise 4 octaves so you could hear what they are trying to say. Kicking men in the balls could become a token of friendliness because you want to hear them out.

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Alternative to Affirmative Action?

Posted on 11 February 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Philosophically, I hate affirmative action. Affirmative action is done to compensate for the prejudice that lingers in society by giving groups who are often discriminated against an advantage. Often times, women or minorities are given a better chance at getting good jobs through a quota or other means. I’m not saying that it doesn’t need to be done. I’m saying that it sticks in my craw that we deal with unfairness by using a different way of being unfair.

I have had to deal with bias for the way I look. I’ve had long hair since before high school and onwards to the present. I remember getting to know some other students when I was in grade 12 and I found that the majority of them thought I was a druggie because I had long hair. Not once in grade 12 did I dabble in any drugs other than alcohol, cigarettes and caffeine.

This bias because of my hair I already had an inkling of before grade 12. So whenever I applied for a job I would make sure my hair was at its shortest. I called this the I-want-a-job haircut. I did get jobs. And while working for each company, I allowed my hair to grow out again. I consider myself to be a good employee, so I think that every employer became satisfied enough to keep me on.

So here’s my alternative to affirmative action: visible minorities can show up in white face for job interviews and trial periods for good jobs.

I mean white face that looks real, not the cartoonish kind.

And anything that costs this much ought to be paid for by the government. It’s a problem of society, not just the visible minority. If it were possible, I would tax just the KKK or other white supremacist groups.

And the time of the applicant in the make up chair ought to be compensated for as well.

Since bias exists in outside life as well as employment, I wouldn’t mind if some of the visible minorities used the free make up to see how other parts of white society operate.

White face might not be enough. Hair style and hair and eye colour might be changed. Accents might need to be worked on and some names exist in only one culture in the world. Even with all these changes, not every visible minority will pass full inspection.

As for females and affirmative action, it would be even harder to erase the presence of breasts and lowering the pitch of the female voice. As well, there are some height and strength difficulties. But in some cases I think there might be success. Some women and minorities could get the white male experience under this regime.

And if all this were covered by the government, then certainly the government might see it would be only fair to pay for one of my I-want-a-job haircuts. Then finally myself and long haired males everywhere would get some recognition and long sought fairness. Sampson!

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Making Sense Out of Cell Replenishment

Posted on 8 February 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Perhaps you’ve heard that every seven years, your bodily cells replenish themselves. Or maybe you’ve heard it happens every ten years. Well I have heard this, too. The seven year thing, especially, makes sense.

After all if you’ve broken a mirror you’re supposed to get seven years of bad luck. Doesn’t it make sense that every single bad luck cell that broke that mirror is different after the seven years. So these new cells are able to be neutral or even lucky.

Have you heard about the seven year itch? That’s the time when married couples who once loved each other dearly are then tempted to stray. They even made a movie about this premise. If you promised to love your spouse forever, all those cells are gone after seven years which might get you thinking of straying. And, according to cell replenishment ideas, your spouse becomes a completely different person after seven years, too. Did you sign up for this new person?

Then there is the absolution provided by bankruptcy. After seven years your bankruptcy no longer shows up on your credit history. Isn’t this fair? At the end of your seven years folk wisdom has it that you have become a new person.

But there are people who would have it that the seven year replenishment thing is a modern myth. Indeed they use science to show that this is the case. Apparently the cells of the body replenish themselves at different rates. But we can make some sense even out of modern cell replenishment theory.

According to this article, fat cells are replaced in about 10 years. So maybe you can blame a 10 year marital itch on your fat. The more inconsiderate will blame it on their spouse’s fat.

Cerebral cortex neurons are never replaced. You might think you’ve pulled the wool over our eyes when you have a bankruptcy. You might be the same in the mind even though society absolves you of blame. But you will experience some guilt. And if cerebral cortex neurons can last your lifetime, so might that guilt.

And according to that same article, the heart even changes rates of replenishment at different ages. Those of you who see the heart as the seat of emotions can have your fun with a variable heart. Indeed this might make sense to those people, seeing varying emotions for varying times of life. Does it surprise anyone that the heart gets less variable as we age?

From the article, it seems like cell replenishment theory is still in its infancy. Might we find even more sensible links between new findings and life? I think we might.

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Has Liz II Been Cheated Out of an Era?

Posted on 4 February 2012 by Larry Russwurm

On this coming Monday, February 6, 2012 it will be 60 years since Queen Elizabeth II began reigning over Canada, the United Kingdom, Australia and New Zealand. This diamond jubilee has only happened once before in British history: Queen Victoria has also managed to rule for over 60 years.

In fact, we know the time of Victoria’s reign because it was called the Victorian Era. I imagine more links to be drawn between the two monarchs. But at present it looks like Liz will never get the honour of an era named after her.

Firstly, there was already an Elizabethan Era. Elizabeth I ruled for 44 years and in her time William Shakespeare became a famous playwright. That is what is known as the Elizabethan Era. So we can’t use that name again.

Indeed, with a more pervasive American culture while Liz II has reigned, more royalty neutral terms have come to the forefront. Most of these monikers have to due with technology. Like the atomic age, the space age, the computer age, and even the plastic age.

Maybe just maybe we could somehow combine a more American style, neutral moniker with the Elizabeth name, that is somehow representative of today?

With wimpier and wimpier purveyors of art in our times, the sequel has gotten to be so much more popular that some wonder what remains to make a sequel of other than another sequel.

The Elizabethan Era, the Sequel could be representative of our times.

And at least we know exactly when this era started. The atomic age, the space age, the computer age and the plastic ages all have vague starting points. We can spare ourselves the debate and call this the Elizabethan Era the Sequel.

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Boy is My Face Red

Posted on 1 February 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Yes my face is red and reader I’ll let you guess whether it’s from embarrassment, anger or cold (it is after all Canada in the winter).

You see, I have authored 4 posts mocking the mailings of my member of parliament (Harold Albrecht). After all if taxpayer money is to be wasted on this, someone who finds failings in these reports encourages less money be spent.

It’s just that in the last mailing, there was a survey attached which was online. Finally curious, I checked it out. And despite the mailing being under the Harold Albrecht name, this survey was a Conservative party of Canada endeavour.

Much to my chagrin, I realized that most of the content in the mailings came directly from the higher ups in the Conservative party. And with the short leash Stephen Harper allows his MP’s to be on, it’s probably half true that the mailings originated in his office.

So when I said in “My Member of Parliament and the Other Feds” that Harold Albrecht was a hypocrite, what should have been said was that Stephen Harper was a controlling hypocrite.

Most of the post “More Harold Albrecht Propaganda” also should refer to Harper as well.

Stephen Harper should be called doubly a liar in “Hounding the Hounder”.

And in the recent “Harold Albrecht Spin Machine is Back”, it should be said that Harper is the one who is obnoxiously leading in his spin.

Firstly I am shocked that the mighty Conservative propaganda machine came up with these fliers and leading questions. You don’t expect something that has won elections, like the Conservative party, to be so bad at spin. The liar tag and hypocrite tag I was able to give to Haro—make that Stephen Harper, was due to their own poorly chosen words. This spin machine wins elections?

And Harold Albrecht, before you think you are in the clear, you deserve a big shame, shame, shame etc. that lasts as long as you are in office under Stephen Harper. Your mug is still all over the propaganda.

If the reader has decided that I am red with embarrassment and anger, they would be right. My face isn’t red from the cold. It is so mild this winter in southern Ontario, that I’ve taken to singing “I’m dreaming of a green February, just like the ones I’ve never known.”

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Liz: ‘No Fascinators at My Diamond Jubilee’

Posted on 28 January 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Perhaps Liz didn’t quite come out and say this so directly. In fact this never officially came from her lips in any form. But the upper crust at Ascot racecourse will no longer accept the head wear at the royal enclosure. Presumably this is okay with the Queen. Indeed she may have ordered it herself with the hint that truly important royal events better not have fascinators.

If you’re unfamiliar with the fascinators a search for fascinator images might give you a feeling for what they are. They are mostly small hats or other head wear usually placed on the head at such gravity defying angles that they must be pinned to the hair (although the demure wearers might not tell you this). They are especially popular amongst the younger British upper class. The Duchess of Cambridge herself and the princess Bea and Eugenie have been known to sport them.

Liz has been upstaged by fascinators at her grandson’s wedding already. I’m sure that there are other events on the social calendar that have made her cringe (but royally!) knowing that all the talk is about the latest fascinators.

Well the head of the monarchy might not say which way Britain is going politically anymore, but she rules with an iron fist when it comes to the style of the upper class. And fascinators aren’t going to upstage Liz at her diamond jubilee. The jubilee is for reigning for 60 straight years. Only Queen Victoria has previously managed this feat in all of British tradition.

Royal Ascot’s demands are one with the Queen. This was a classy way to announce it Liz. So for this year, expect Liz to bring classy back. Well at least an 85-year-old’s idea of classy.

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New Improved Birth Order Theory

Posted on 25 January 2012 by Larry Russwurm

In the post All Psychologists are Lazy, I took umbrage with the state of birth order theory. I especially disliked that theory which stated 5th born children are the same as 1st born children and 6th born children are the same as 2nd born children. This cycle seemed lazy to me and I doubted the cycle because I am a 6th born and see few connections between me and my 2nd born sibling.

But now I’ve had time to really think about it and think I have devised a new birth order theory which I think is improved, mainly because it is even lazier than any previous birth order theories.

1st Born Children:

These children are known for being middling to extremely independent. They are colourful, included in their midst are children with all skin colours, hair and eye colouring. Many times they are the chumps of the sibling world. Reckless risk takers, parents often have to keep them on a short leash.

As well, 1st born children are cautious wallflowers whose parents often have to give them a little nudge. Often they are the champs of the sibling world. Their personalities occur in a broad spectrum from gregarious to self isolating. They are known for being middling to extremely dependent.

2nd Born Children:

Here is where the beauty of my system kicks in. Instead of waiting till the 5th born child to start a cycle, 2nd born children are the same as 1st born children. The cycle starts this early and is thus much easier on the brain of the student of birth order.

3rd Born Children:

Same as 2nd born children.

4th Born Children:

Same as 3rd born children.

5th Born Children:

In this beautiful theory I have managed to preserve the original cycle. 5th born children are the same as 1st born children.

6th Born Children:

They are the same as 2nd born children.

You can see the pattern, now, so I’ll stop and just say that only children are the same as 1st born children because, of course 1st born children lived part of life as an only child.

Thank you for hearing my little theory. Maybe one day cooler heads will prevail in psychology and they will acknowledge this theory as being at least as viable.

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The Ligh-yer Based Professions and the Unending Copyright Wars

Posted on 21 January 2012 by Larry Russwurm

On SOPA/PIPA protest day (there has been at least one call to name it Netizens Day), the supreme court of the USA decided that since they had cover, they could rule that the public domain could be taken from the public.

The public domain is owned by the public. What we have seen is a group of power hungry, greedy individuals successfully get permission to claw back some of the profitable and popular parts of the public domain. This is not a victimless crime. The entirety of the USA owned these works and they are being taken away.

And to do this, the supreme court used the cover of SOPA/PIPA protests. These are other copyright issues being brought about by other lawyer based professions.

Copyright lawyering, politicking and judging have all been going through boom times. These lawyer based professions know that copyright is a huge make work project for all these professions. If you didn’t know it before, many, many politicians come from a lawyer background and judges very often begin their careers as lawyers.

These professions know how valuable it is to other lawyers to keep copyright law changing. So the judges and the politicians (who are also making money out of copyright) keep trying to shape the law according to the wet dreams of big copyright holders. The unending greed of Hollywood copyright holders and music copyright holders (the MPAA and RIAA respectively) has fuelled this. The greed of the copyright holders has been well documented, I want to focus on the lawyer based professions.

Maybe these professions said to the MPAA and RIAA, name your wettest dream for rights and power. Make it so extreme, the politicians might have said, that if we compromise you still win. And that’s what we’ve been getting – only extreme copyright maximalization has been fought for by politicians ushering in an era of bad laws. But when they saw little organized resistance, politicians and lawyers started imagining a life of extreme wealth and extreme power. So they pushed hard for SOPA and PIPA till some powers on the Internet finally objected in strong terms and getting the word out by the black outs the other day and other means.

The blackouts didn’t require lawyers. Seeing a possible end to the boom years, the supreme court judges reacted in a way to show the MPAA and RIAA that their money still carried weight despite the popular outcry. I expect the copyright wars to continue with the lawyer based professions keeping up the attack, still financed by the MPAA and RIAA.

There is nothing funny about all this. But let me try to lighten the scene with an observation.

I am told that people are so enamoured by the familiarity of their names that, in a totally disproportionate way, people named Dennis are more likely to be dentists and people named Lawrence are more likely to be lawyers.

[Personally I always tell people my full first name is Larry – I’m not a Lawrence. Thus I’m more likely to bury people or work in a dairy along with Mary, Terry and Gary.]

With Dennis the Dentist and Lawrence the Lawyer being a disproportionate human connection, wouldn’t a career lawyer make a connection to a certain accent of their title as ligh-yer. In fact why not go even softer on the ‘y’ and say liar. I believe the connection has been made many times by all the lawyer based professionals. And judging from results, the liar part does indeed seem to attract them.

So next time you see stats for things there are no stats for (like the underground economy), you can bet that a liar made these up.

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