Uncomfortable Extrapolation

This is a more adult themed post so dear reader you should be of age and shoo away any kids who may be reading over your shoulder. And that also means you, minor, trying to read this post despite any prohibition I might set up. I won’t work under the conditions of you reading me against my will. I won’t. Back to the adults. Only you may keep reading.

Yeah I know only the good kids will observe my prohibition against them. The bad? Well all we can do is slow them down. Hopefully enough so they don’t learn everything till they’re of age. So I can continue pontificating about it, thus slowing them down more. Pontificating. Perhaps you should look that word up, young one. It could be a naughty word.

Okay, perhaps I can explain my points without being too graphic. Television’s Dr. Oz has a little tidbit of information. He tries to tell it in a positive way. ‘Men,’ he says [I’m paraphrasing so I’m not using the normal quotes], ‘if you lose 35 pounds of fat, you will gain an inch’. (Hey kids, maybe it’s an inch of height.)

Well, let’s follow this logic the other way. That means for every excess thirty-five pounds a man has he loses an inch. So let’s extrapolate that out to a man gaining an excess of 210 pounds. Now, look, that is totally possible. An average man with this excess weight should have (according to averages) lost his manhood. In fact at this precise point you might call him asexual.

But wait, men can gain even more weight. So an excess of 210 pounds is the crossover point, where an outie now becomes an innie. I guess it’s not enough that heavy men start to have more feminine hormones (something else we learn from Dr. Oz) and grow ‘breasts’. No. We had to humiliate them all the way. Is a man with an excess of 420 pounds fully a woman?

Thanks for the imagery, Dr. Oz. Thanks for the imagery, extrapolation. I’m sorry I wrote this post. I’m glad I made the bad kids uncomfortable and confused.

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Cryptozoology Puzzle Solved?

Cryptozoology usually brings to mind Bigfoot but I’ve more of a mind to think about Nessie, Champ, Ogopogo and the Lake Erie monster serpent.

These creatures are said to be in 4 widely separate lakes, ranging all across North America and also in Scotland, so it might be hard to see a connection beyond the superficial. All these lakes seem to have a large water creature, perhaps serpentine in construction and despite multiple sightings, certain proof of their existence seems at the moment unattainable.

And how did these creatures get between these widely separate lakes if they are all related? How can such creatures be the same species if none of them have ever been identified outside their lake hotbeds?

But certainly there must be a link – how can such similar tales exist so far from each other. So let’s look at the one similarity that might shed light on the subject.

The four lakes all have similar shapes – they’re long and skinny. That’s right, Lake Okanagan, Lake Erie, Lake Champlain and Loch Ness are all narrow, long lakes. This isn’t theory, it is fact. They are almost like swollen rivers, these long lakes.

How could similar creatures manage to inhabit this particular kind of lake.

Why of course they must have had an aerial view. I am suggesting that all these monsters are the same type of alien, with ships possibly hovering over the Earth, in such a way that they can choose particular lakes.

Thus, they’ve managed to inhabit these four lakes. Their alienness also means that if an intensive census exists in any of these four lakes “beaming up” can occur and thus these creatures yet again defy investigation.

Why do they like swollen river type environments? Why do these creatures always exist in long narrow channels for lakes? That is the real question.

Now that we have the proper question, perhaps we can get a proper solution.

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More Harold Albrecht Propaganda

I just received a mega pamphlet from my Canadian Member of Parliament, Harold Albrecht. He had been sending me regular “updates” but these were not as easily mocked as the pamphlet I first mocked here in April.

But when you send a mega pamphlet to all of your constituents on the public dime, you are risking more ire. Seriously, unfolded this thing is as big as a full newspaper page with both sides filled with propaganda. But there’s one thing extroverts and talkers never seem to get. The more information you put out there, the more likely there is something to hang yourself on.

The first thing I noted was that Albrecht says, “Improvements move forward despite Ignatieff flip-flops”. Firstly I’m not convinced that what Albrecht calls improvements are really improvements. That might be a matter of opinion. But in his whole article that follows he only shows that Ignatieff (the opposition leader) changed his mind once. That plural of flip-flop becomes important here. Of course Albrecht is eager to paint Ignatieff as someone who changes his mind often and thus (presumably) can’t be trusted. But Ignatieff only changed his mind once, Albrecht, so hold your horses. Do we judge Britain poorly for changing their minds and demanding a halt to Nazi invasions?

This whole flip-flopping thing is a thing Conservatives think is bad. Why? Because they are also small c conservatives and thus by definition are against change. Should we not also call out conservative leaders for being stubborn dinosaurs? In a straight out popularity contest I think that flip-floppers might actually beat stubborn dinosaurs. So be careful how you paint the opposition.

Then, under a section entitled “Empowering an Innovative Economy” He chooses to lead with the story that national consultations were held on the digital economy. This is the infamous James Moore consultations that led to Bill C-32 that ignored the public’s bad opinion about Digital Rights Management or DRM. DRM is enshrined in this bill as the one and only gatekeeper of everything digital. Any “right” that may be given by this piece of potential legislation can be taken back by software in the DRM. So you have no rights under DRM and to make it worse any effort to circumvent the DRM is considered criminal.

I’m tempted to use the Seinfeld bit about the rent-a-car place that didn’t hold the reservation. ‘Listening and acting on the consultation is really the important part – anyone can just consult.’

But let’s say we make a big show of consulting with PETA and vegetarian groups before going to Newfoundland. They try their best to influence us in the way they want. Next we go to Newfoundland and go on an all seal meat diet and go everywhere in our freshly made harp seal fur coats. Then we say we have only done this after long consultations with PETA and vegetarian groups.

PETA and the vegetarian groups are going to be pissed. Before releasing Bill C-32 James Moore basically said that those who opposed the bill would be radical extremists. He knew from the consultations that a large group of people were going to be pissed and attempted to get them first.

There’s more to mock in the mega pamphlet. Albrecht’s 13 hour last day before summer. Better work hard one day, what with all that tough holidaying around the Olympics. Or the present given to veteran Harry Watts. Since he gave you the photo op you’re lucky he accepted the gift of a photo he probably already had with Queen Beatrice of the Netherlands, but this one was signed by PM Harper and two other conservative MPs. What a treat.
But I can’t mock the whole mega pamphlet without being wordy and thus letting opponents get some of their own jabs in. So if you read this far, thank you. I’m still many, many words away from writing a mega pamphlet.

Posted in Humour, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Anchor Weasels

This is a post about anchor weasels – those members of a news team that provide the face of the TV station to the general public.

My problem with them is their comments on the weather. I’m sure the higher ups like to promote them as being “human”, “non-robotic”, and “likable”. Politics being what it is, I’m sure the higher ups tell them to just comment on the weather, a relatively safe topic, which shouldn’t offend most of the political spectrum. This offends me. Right now. In the summer.

You see all anchor weasels get to work in a nicely air conditioned environment. And the job pays well enough that they can afford an air conditioned home and an air conditioned car. You can see where I’m going with this.

In the summer, when temperatures are average or less than average, all anchor weasels like to say they wish it were warmer. In fact they seem to get depressed until temperatures have finally reached or exceeded 30 degrees Celsius. I guess this feels right when you are only visiting the weather for a few minutes at a time throughout the day. After all this is probably the only time they realize it is actually summer outside.

Myself? I think the only ones that should be allowed to comment on summer conditions are the people who work outside all day over hot tar. These people would know enough to tell everyone to keep hydrated and would see uses for cooling down stations on the hotter days.

I didn’t ever work over hot tar but did work outside for 9 hour days a couple summers in a row. The hot tar thing helped me keep cool as in ‘at least I’m not working over hot tar’. One of those days I worked reached 35 degrees Celsius and I remember barely moving to do work in that heat. The boss never came out of his air conditioned office to accuse me of cheating the company. And indeed, I’m quite sure that I was working as hard as was possible because I drank about 10 glasses of water that day and went to the bathroom once.

So I think you have an idea why I call them anchor weasels. But before leaving I just want to remind you that just as in the cold, cold winter, people die of the weather in the hot, hot summer. Hot isn’t always good.

“Bring on the heat,” say the anchor weasels. Which at times could sound like saying, “Bring on the deaths.” Anchor weasels – their personalities all seem the same – and lacking. I should read my news and weather for the rest of the summer instead of watching it.

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Playing With Bitstrips

I just recently was referred to a relatively new service called Bitstrips (Thank you Laurie!). This online service is apparently for the more artistically challenged to come up with comic strips. If you can come up with the words, the characters you’ve helped design can speak it in a comic strip.

Some of you may know that I authored 3 strips in February here, about the Olympics and the IOC, two of which are still applicable. I fished for someone to draw and allow me to upload those strips – exactly the service that Bitstrips offers. So I’ve already needed the service that Bitstrips offers. So why not figure out how to use Bitstrips in this public forum?

The first thing you might need to know is that you can use normal copyright subject to rules in the licence agreement. I wanted the possibility of someone translating my work for free so instead I wanted to use a Creative Commons licence. According to Bitstrips I was only able to use a Creative Commons Non-commercial, Share Alike licence. Bitstrips doesn’t allow the other Creative Commons licences, but for your enjoyment you can see them at creativecommons.org .

Now, all I had to do was to try the service by starting at bitstrips.com .

The first thing I did was to create characters. The character generator is a features based visual of the character you intend to use. Three characters ought to do for my two strips. I made the man and woman black to represent sub Saharan Africa and Cubehead of course was given a cube head and a middling dark tone to represent North Africa. Africa has never been granted an Olympics before. Everything else I chose was based on whimsy.

After generating some characters, you can start on the strip. I chose a three panel strip. I usually work with 4 panels but I adjusted. Some of the scene making is drag and drop. Some of it is touching one of the special button functions then manipulating the character. Sometimes you can use a click and even sometimes a double click helps you do what you want. Some of the functions are intuitive, some are not. It took me about 2 hours to create the first strip and the three characters. It would go much faster the next time, especially since I can now use stock characters.

My first strip was marred by text balloons. The standard type of balloon I used gets a smaller and smaller “attribution tail” as you add in more lines of text. The cartoon I was doing was ‘Happiness is an alien’. The man’s 3 line text balloons barely have a tail when he uses 3 lines of text. And, unfortunately the 5 line speech at the end has no tail at all. Thus, if you were to look at this cartoon in a certain way, it appears that the woman is saying the text plus her own line.

I called this strip series “The IOC Files”. But at the Bitstrips’ site, you can’t find that by doing a straightforward search. 163 comics come up. You have to search through all of these to find mine. I’m still not sure it’s there because I gave up. All the cartoons that use the word “file” seem to show up. Usually they have something to do with the X-Files. You can find my strip if you search for larryrusswurm – my user name. I think the search function has to do with how you save your cartoon when you are first publishing it. Automatically it chooses to do it under your name but there is an option to save it as a ‘bitstrips series’. Ideally the search function would work under both conditions.

The 2nd cartoon had a feature that I couldn’t find Bitstrips capable of. I think it’s common enough in cartoons to display the outside of a store with signs in the windows, so Bitstrips ought to have this as a background or scene. As well, I didn’t see a simple sign function. To get around this I tried to “make” the outside of a store by the “shapes” function and using the ‘text boxes’ as the signs for the business. This second cartoon only took about 20 minutes. That makes this a realistic option to drawing as a drawn cartoon takes about 20 minutes to do. And 10 minutes was figuring out the store front with shapes and text boxes. I can definitely see doing a cartoon in 10 minutes and each time having learned a little something new.

Anyways I do fault Bitstrips for not having the outside of a store, school, different houses and office buildings to set the scene of a strip. This I think is very important in the telling of a strip.

So what do I give Bitstrips as a critique? Well, despite all my complaints (I’m going to send a link to this blog to Bitstrips so they are aware of the problems I noted), I give them a 4 ½ stars out of 5. Don’t forget that I needed this particular service in February even though I didn’t know Bitstrips existed.

And even if you never want to write your own comic strip, you can spend loads of time just reading the strips of others.

Here are the two cartoons:

Posted in Art, Cartoon, Politics, Sports, Wee Bit O' Humour, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Blast From the Past I

To see the home page of this blog all you have to do is click on the banner where it says “The Many Rants of Larry Russwurm”. (You can try it out and then click the go back button and this post will still be here). On the right hand side of my home page, it lists my archived posts by month and further down is something called “Pages”. The “about” page or the “Frequently asked Questions” page you can look at any time. Today I’m concerned with the 5 “Jacques 2003” pages.

All 5 are Canadian political cartoons starring Jacques O’ Christmas Tree (that’s right, a jack o’ lantern head on a Christmas tree body). Firstly, if you click on one of these you will find a squished political cartoon. That’s because this blog theme isn’t made for pictures beyond a certain size. Still you can click on the squished picture and that will bring up the same picture in its proper dimensions.

Secondly, it’s been 7 years since 2003 so you might have forgotten the politics of the time. Because of this, below the squished picture, way down, I’ve tried to retell the pertinent information that makes the cartoon funny. I realize of course that having a section entitled “why it’s funny” might make more than a few of you think its not funny. Still I’m hoping some of you will like it.

Why are these cartoons only making an appearance now? Well in 2003 I was seriously thinking of drawing political cartoons with an eye on getting them published. The problem with this was I was only able to think of about one a week and sometimes not even that. So I might have gotten a part time job out of it, but would still have pressure sometimes. Anyways, after many weeks I only had these cartoons finished (I had more with punch lines scribbled down that I never drew).

I thought about it some more in the following years and noticed that most of my cartoons had multiple punch lines. So I thought maybe I could change over to daily nonpolitical cartoons. I had avoided these because of the daily thing. Now I was thinking of writing one punch line per strip in a story arc. That way my multiple jokes could stretch over a few days.

Any how I’m going to give the daily thing a go sometime this year. But obviously I need a better blog theme so the pictures will be undistorted. And there are other things I have to learn. But stay posted here and I will tell you where to go to find these daily cartoons. Jacques will of course be the star of these newer cartoons.

Posted in Art, Cartoon, Humour, Politics, Wee Bit O' Humour | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

And Some Think Hawking’s American Accent is Funny

Why is it that when I know a rock band is British, I know it because I’ve been told. Why can’t I tell a song is British by the accent?

In almost every single rock act there is no discernible British accent. Maybe this was imperative during the first wave of British acts to make it big over here in North America. So fine, maybe the Beatles, Rolling Stones and the Who had to start by hiding their Britishness. But why not, when established, revert to their British roots?

And there were successive waves of other rockers that may have wanted to display their Britishness proudly. How about Prog Rock (Led Zeppelin, Yes, Pink Floyd etc.) Glam Rock (David Bowie, Sweet), Art Rock (Queen, ELO) or the many acts of New Wave which seemed to go right till the end of the eighties. These acts were ESTABLISHED. Why couldn’t just one of them sing with a British accent.

Now, I’ve left out one wave of British music that I can discern a British accent on. The musically literate of you probably already know that some punk rock music kept the accent and even seemed to revel in their accents.

I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the simplicity of punk. Maybe keeping the accent makes the music sound just a little more guttural and that helped the music. Maybe having an accent kept punk apart from other category forms.

But wait you say, punk is kind of popular again with the pop/punk acts. That’s exactly what brings this to mind to me. Green Day is the biggest of these newer acts. And despite hailing from the United States, they seem to sing with a forceful British twang. Maybe not quite a British accent but with the US knowing that it is the center of the English speaking world, that’s as close as we’re going to get.

Why punk rock? I’m really not quite sure.

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Low Resolution, Black and White Touch Pictures

Last week’s post about “One” made me think. Perhaps “One” could be made into a protagonist of a story. But , alas, I didn’t find him powerful enough as is to be good for a story.

But, still, I now had a guide for my thinking. Let’s take a tiny rod and say lightly touch an end to your back. Here we have a zero point. What if we press the rod forward with a pressure or to a certain distance. I find pressure to be preferable. What if our back could differentiate between ten different pressures without hurting? We would have 10 grades or degrees.

Now lets make that one rod into a grid of rods. A person’s back below the shoulder blades isn’t perfectly flat but with the zero point of each rod set as lightly touching the back, it is close enough. All are able to poke into your back to a different degree of pressure. Or perhaps a different distance. What we have now is the amount of information available in a low resolution black and white camera. The degree from each rod is the intensity. Lightly touching back skin is zero or black. Pushing in at a ten is white or maximum intensity. The grid defines the picture.

The picture would be delivered by a low resolution digital camera, perhaps attached to the forehead.

There are problems I see with this regime of information.

Perhaps distance grades wouldn’t work. After all the distance measured by touch would probably be different if you were pushing in on your back skin over bone, muscle or fat..

And the problem with pressure grades is that a rod pushing in at the maximum pressure of 10 makes it easier to push in neighbouring rods to 10, thus a big area of maximum intensity might push in further than a point and might end up hurting the back.

Regardless of which regime of “intensity” grades is used I think we can successfully “see” (with touch) a low resolution picture on our backs – we just have to learn to interpret the result.

In this day of proven brain plasticity, I hope that a brain can learn to translate these touch pictures to a visual. The low resolution black and white pictures could be seen over time as motion pictures. A curious brain ought to be able to learn from this, especially if it is young and thus adaptable.

So hopefully there would be some sight for the blind, if a bit on the low quality side.

Now I’ve been writing these posts all with at least a bit of humour. So let’s say our blind person with the back get up points her head (and thus low resolution camera) at the sun. Then she might oscillate her head around instead of fully focusing on the sun. Why? She would be trying to massage her back.

You would see a hump back on people in occupations that would want to see behind themselves. So say, professional teachers would have hump backs with digital cameras pointing backwards so the students couldn’t get out of control.

More sneakily, some women might put their humps on the stomach, pretending pregnancy so as to obfuscate clues about the third eye or low resolution digital camera pointing backwards. But if they are ticklish this wouldn’t work. For instance those rambunctious students could tell by their teacher’s laugh they are being watched.

Posted in Mathematics, Music, Science, Wee Bit O' Humour, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Metallica’s “One” Not So Bleak

I’ll never forget “One” by Metallica. It was the first song I ever liked by the group and it heralds the beginning of their accessible period.

Well at first I just liked the pretty start and the singing parts. It took me a long time to accept the heavy ending. But I eventually accepted it. You see it might be a bleak sounding ending but the words were so bleak that I accepted it. At least I thought this was one of the bleakest songs I knew.

Near the end of the singing it goes “Land mine has taken my sight, taken my speech, taken my hearing, taken my arms, taken my legs”. And earlier on it said “Nothing is real but pain, now.”

We have a limbless Helen Keller with constant pain as a companion. That seemed so bleak to me.

Maybe “One” (I’m going to call him this for the duration of this post), can communicate if someone put a pen in his mouth and held a sheet of paper such that he could write on it. So one-way communication is possible.

But speaking of Helen Keller, the reason there was so much hope for her was that her instructor Anne Sullivan began tracing letters and thus words on her hand.

One may not have hands to spell words on but what about his back, his stomach, his cheek? Once One realizes what is going on he can have two-way communication.

Then, with two-way communication, the doctors can do their best for One’s pain. Maybe it’s a neglected part of his treatment. Maybe the pain will go away after One heals better. Maybe there’s nothing the doctors can do for the pain but drugs might help. With two-way communication odds are One’s situation can improve.

And maybe the pain is so bad that One does everything in his power to get to Switzerland and then gets access to assisted suicide. This is still a bleak ending but at least One isn’t helpless.

So now what do I do when listening to “One”? The story’s no longer so bleak that I feel forced to listen to the overly heavy ending. Do I now get to play just the pretty parts?

I hate to say it but over the years I got used to the heavy part and now accept it as part of the song. You win, Metallica. But if I thought of this years ago…

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Women Can Levitate 10 Centimeters Off the Ground

This news was as shocking to me as it is to you. But instead of making a big deal over it, the news was buried in a seemingly unrelated news story.

China Airlines of Taiwan was fined for discriminating against short people. It only accepted applicants for its flight attendant jobs who were 160 cm tall or higher (women) or 170 cm tall or higher (men).

The excuse for this bias by the company was that the flight attendants needed to reach the overhead bins.

Thus a 170 cm man can barely reach so that means that a 160 cm tall woman must be able to levitate the extra 10 cm. We know this because a company wouldn’t lie in a court statement.

Posted in Humour, Politics | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments