Too Young for Death Defying

Posted on 12 June 2010 by Larry Russwurm

If you’ve kept up even partially on the news, you might well have heard of the 16 year old girl who wanted to boat around the world or the 13 year old boy that wanted to scale Mount Everest. That 16 year old is currently lost on the high seas [she’s been rescued since I wrote this] since she started her goal.

I think the parents of these two children need a talking to. And maybe they should have to repay the public for any necessary rescue operations. As Dr. Phil keeps pointing out, teens’ brains aren’t even finished forming yet. Indeed the caution centers that let them see around corners haven’t finished growing yet. So I am a firm believer that minors should not be allowed to try death defying anything.

I believe this so strongly that I believe “youngest ever” records should be stricken from the news. Or books. Or any recording. Teens and teeny boppers and kids don’t need to have temptation facing them in the news. The attention shown will probably draw more kids into wanting this “success”.

And it is death defying. Whole ships are still sometimes lost at sea, with much more than a single boater. Over 175 people have died somewhere on the top of Everest.

And you know I think I see the attraction for a 16 year old girl and a 13 year old boy.

The girl gets to get out from under her parents thumb. She’ll be all alone (theoretically) for months. What’s to stop her from inviting that cute boating boy out to visit her in international waters. She has to navigate around the world, surely she can guide him out to her ship. She could invite out friends and have an “I got rid of my parents” party. She could be out there experimenting with alcohol and drugs.

As for the boy, he’s probably heard about the over 175 bodies on the top of Mount Everest. To his 13 year old self, that alone could be the attraction. Maybe he could poke some of these bodies with a stick. He could also do the low level prank of mixing the gear up from a few bodies. If ever someone did a recovery operation, they might have to get the DNA evidence to match everybody with their right stuff.

You might be angry with my giving this pair motivations that sound base and immature. I’m sorry but many teens and teeny boppers are like that. If their motivations are pure, they can do it after the age of 18. So they won’t be the “youngest ever”. Tough. They made it to 18 alive which sounds like success from a real parent’s perspective.

Posted in Politics, Wee Bit O' Humour | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Make the Historians Do the Math

Posted on 10 June 2010 by Larry Russwurm

In an earlier post, the No Name Decades , it was made known in the comments section that the ‘Teens really don’t start till January 1, 2011; just as the noughties didn’t start till January 1, 2001. This does not make intuitive sense to most of us 3rd millennium people, even if it is technically correct.

The problem, you see, seems to stem from the fact that the Romans and their descendants didn’t have a zero. Thus, the order of years went from 1 B.C. to 1 A.D. Since this first decade, century, millennium had no zero, the 21st century must start on January 1, 2001 rather than January 1, 2000. Isn’t life just so confusing.

Then again, how often do the non historians among us talk about say the third century? Or for that matter the third century B.C.? Since we mostly talk about A.D. stuff and indeed mostly stuff in our lifetimes or a handful of lifetimes backwards, why not include 1B.C. as the zero year of the first decade, century, millennium A.D.?

Thus the nineties went from January 1, 1990 to December 31 1999, the noughties existed from January 1, 2000 to December 31, 2009. The third millennium will exist from from January 1, 2000 to December 31, 2999, the 21st century will exist from January 1, 2000 to December 31, 2099; exactly the way we intuitively think they exist.

Let the historians worry about the repercussions. Did you go into history to hide from more complicated math? Bwuh, huh, huh! Now deal with 1 B.C. being part of the 1st decade, century, millennium A.D. Now the 1st century B.C. will have gone from January 1st 101 B.C. to December 31st, 2 B.C. Want to deal with ancient history? Deal with the complications as well.

So, finally, we can stick our tongues out at Arthur C. Clarke and all his acolytes who insist that the noughties, 21st century, and 3rd millennium didn’t start until 2001.

But most importantly, my 20/20 joke in The No Name Decades gets saved. That, after all, is the most important point.

Posted in History, Humour, Mathematics, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

An Unsaid Ethnic Slur

Posted on 5 June 2010 by Larry Russwurm

In a way, I’m jealous of black people.

It’s definitely not the years of slavery (yes it existed in Canada, too, only it ended sooner). And it’s certainly not the 100 years it took to attain full civil rights.

It’s because of the current state of political correctness. It appears to me that no one is allowed to use an ethnic slur except the people whose ethnicity has been slurred. This is a change from the past when groups tried to keep an air of superiority by slurring other groups.

And despite whites being slurred with say “cracker” or “honky”, these never became a tool of power because largely the whites were in control. Whites like me laughed with everyone else if “honky” was used in a black sitcom in the ’70s. Were we laughing with the blacks or that this attempt at equality was a failure? Blacks and other minorities caught on and it wasn’t till the current round of political correctness that they found the aforementioned way to get back that lost power.

And now with mention of the “N” word thought to be intolerable for use by any but blacks, I think that blacks currently have a wee bit more power on this front. Which is why I’m a bit jealous.

Then I thought of an ethnic slur for myself. An ethnic slur that would offend me, a white of German descent.

It’s not “cracker” or “honky” (of course). With the German thing you might think it could be “Kraut” or “Hun” or any slur used in the two World Wars. But those slurs are about as bothersome as the aforementioned “cracker” or “honky”. The slur I’m thinking of I won’t name because it might bother me deep down if I were to let it and I’m not sure if I can use it myself, because I might not be considered the offended group.

It’s a slur I grew up knowing in rural Waterloo Region, Ontario, Canada. Generally it has been used against Amish people and Old Order Mennonites. Maybe it can be stretched to mean all Mennonites. Maybe it can be stretched into being used against people who appear to belong to these groups. Maybe it can be stretched to mean any peoples that are technologically backward like the Old Order Mennonites and the Amish.

When I was a child, I learned this slur and “knew” it couldn’t be me so I had a bit of a power imbalance going like with other slurs and their users.

But after high school, I learned that my Mom’s family who I had previously only known had come from Russia, were originally Mennonites.

Indeed they had been sponsored over to Ontario by a Mennonite church during the Russian Revolution. But, when my mother’s family saw how the Mennonites that sponsored them lived, the family switched over to the Lutheran religion.

So there it is. By descent I’m Mennonite. (At least going by black culture, part black people are allowed to claim black heritage. [This is a forgiving attitude – I applaud blacks for this.]) However, being Mennonite is a religion. So my Mom’s family changed this about themselves. So this is unlike race. In fact I think that eventually religion will be seen as the weaker right when compared to race. But I digress.

Since I actually used my slur as a kid exactly like a non Mennonite, I think that I cannot claim it and thus won’t share it with you. Which to me, in one respect, is too bad. I was kind of hoping to hear from someone from Pennsylvania. Old Order Mennonites are also called the Pennsylvania Dutch because most of them hail from Pennsylvania. I kind of want to know if the slur I’m talking about also exists in Pennsylvania. Just to see if my area came up with the slur.

Also, when I first came up with the slur and thought I could use it, I came up with a chant that had the ability to evolve into a song. The chant is thus:

You see I am a bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep,
But you can’t call me a bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep,
Unless you are a bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep,
So that is my chant, chant , chant , chant..

I was going to add more verses to make it ethnic specific, but see how neat it is right now. My slur is only one syllable long as you might tell from this chant. So any ethnic group that has a slur one syllable long can use this as well. You could also use a slur 2 or 4 syllables long using this form. If your slur is 3 syllables or 5 or higher syllables, you’ll have to write your own chant.

Don’t comment that you’re an Old Order Mennonite or Amish person and give me an okay to use the slur. Because the people most likely to be called this slur are likely to not have a computer. So I will not name the slur.

One more point. I don’t think Amish or Old Order Mennonites are totally defenseless. Don’t forget that they also know the language German and can talk behind the backs of most of us who don’t speak German. For all I know, all the times I’ve seen the Amish or Old Order Mennonites speak German, they could have been insulting me the entire time.

Posted in Music, Politics, Wee Bit O' Humour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The Sharp Shark

Posted on 1 June 2010 by Larry Russwurm

Programs that can hear a word and, say, type it out, are old. Despite their advancing age, these programs still can’t interpret speech easily.

Have you tried the automated call centers where you have to over enunciate the word you are trying to use just so the dumb computer program gets it?

Well dumb is part of it. I swear that humans themselves can’t interpret speech that well either. Part of our expertise in interpretation is that we half know what is going to be said. In other words we are using more of our mind than just our interpretation-of-speech centers.

Then there are some people like my Dad. A few years ago his hearing was getting really bad. I was seriously worried that I’d never be able to communicate with him like I did when he was younger. He refuses to use the various hearing aids he has. And his interpretation skills have gotten better.

What’s that? I said he can interpret better. So much better, in fact, that most of the time I just think I’m talking with him like it used to be. Either he has gotten way better with less or he is now at least partially reading lips. Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy about this. Every once in a while I’m curious and ask him if he has his hearing aids in. Each time the expected answer is wrong. He doesn’t have his hearing aids in.

So computers might have to become more skilled in other areas before they become skilled enough to interpret speech as well as a human.

In fact, I think computer interpretation of the human voice is going to have to be better than human in order to do all we want computers to do.

I think that obviously even human speech recognition is fallible. Think of the saying “card sharp”. Others might say “card shark”. I think these two cliches resulted from faulty interpretations of each other by humans. I wonder which saying came first. “Coincidence,” you might say. But what about another pair of sayings: “end of the road” and “end of your rope”. There seems to be a pattern of similar sounding, meaning the same thing sayings that I think comes from our inability to interpret the speech exactly.

I think we humans hear things differently than each other. It’s going to be hard to have a computer interpret words in such a way that all humans agree on the meaning. And I didn’t even bring accents into the conversation – yet.

Posted in Language, Science, Wee Bit O' Humour | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Theme Songs and Age of Shows

Posted on 29 May 2010 by Larry Russwurm

Have you ever winced while watching the theme song intro to the Simpsons and thought this goes on forever. Or maybe you haven’t but eventually will.

This year I came up with a thought. “You know I can probably make a guess about how long a show has been on the air by the length of its theme songs.” Remember Gilligan’s Island? They told a complete story in theirs. The same with the Beverly Hillbillies. But for more recent shows it seemed to me the intros were shorter. Indeed, some intro theme songs were so short I couldn’t remember them even after having seen every new episode for a minimum of a season. But when I did the research I remembered the very short theme songs.

Well let’s take a look at the list that I used. I chose only the shows that I watch so when checking the themes on YouTube, I would know from memory if the theme was complete. This was especially valuable for the Simpsons, because the theme can vary depending on the length of time used on its couch gag.

Unfortunately, you are going to know what shows I watch. And thus you are going to lose all respect for me. The first thing you’re going to notice is that I only watch sitcoms. I can’t stand watching hour longs where they take everything so seriously even though the show isn’t being very realistic. I know sitcoms are unrealistic, but I can view this unrealism as just a setup to the next joke.

The Simpsons : Theme song length 59 seconds
The Cleveland Show: 29 s
Family Guy: 32 s
American Dad: 33 s
How I Met Your Mother: 14 s
2 ½ Men: 23 s
The Big Bang Theory: 22 s
Modern Family: 10 s
Cougar Town: 6 s
Parks and Recreation: 32 s
The Office: 33 s
30 Rock: 19 s
South Park: 27 s

First of all, from this list you can tell there are two major outliers that go against the correlation I’m trying to show. The Cleveland show is new this year and its theme song is as long as those from many years ago. The other outlier is How I Met Your Mother. This show is a number of years old and yet its theme song is almost as short as this year’s brevity champs: Modern Family and Cougar Town.

First we’ll deal with The Cleveland Show. Largely it is brought to us by the same people who brought us Family Guy and American Dad. Note that the length of this theme song is almost identical to those two other shows. Despite my correlation of age of show to length of theme song, there is an even stronger correlation. Shows made by the same people as other shows have almost identical theme song lengths. This is true of 2 ½ Men and The Big Bang Theory; Parks and Recreation and The Office.

As for the outlier, How I Met Your Mother, we might just say that this show with its short theme song was the trailblazer that other, newer shows followed.

The rest of the shows roughly correlate age of show to length of theme song. To avoid the same people same length of theme song thing we can just take the earliest of those shows. Now we have a roughly straight line if we graphed our results.

When I started thinking about this topic I assumed the one outlier would be the theme from The Big Bang Theory. But the Bare Naked Ladies do this theme and the only song I know that squeezes in more words per second than a typical Ladies song is The End of the World as We Know It by REM. So by sheer wordiness I thought the theme song was longer than it really is.

No wonder I noticed this correlation this year. The ridiculously short theme songs of Modern Family and Cougar Town are a very big clue. Indeed these new themes are so short I don’t think they should be called songs. I vote instead for the name of theme riffs.

Posted in Humour, Mathematics, Music, Stage and Screen | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Human on Plastic Action

Posted on 25 May 2010 by Larry Russwurm

Since my last post was about shower curtains being attracted to humans I only think it’s right that I now discuss human on plastic action.

It’s on a TV commercial. This may be regional (southern Ontario) but it’s on a big brand’s ad. Cashmere bathroom tissue is the brand and the ad is mainly about a model strutting down a runway in a dress made of Cashmere bathroom tissue. Indeed her train is made of some not completely unrolled toilet paper. The model stops walking and zones out as she fondles a corner of her dress.

Above is all fine. That changes when they cut from this. The end is made up of anonymous arms and hands touching Cashmere bathroom tissue. One roll is free and a hand fondles it lovingly. It’s just that a marketing genius made all of the other rolls of Cashmere be a package with the brand name clearly visible. i.e. The rest of the rolls are clearly still wrapped in plastic. There are four other hands and arms fondling the plastic just as lovingly as the first hand fondles the Cashmere. “Mmmm, plastic,” they are saying by their actions. “Just as nice to caress as Cashmere bathroom tissue and a fraction of the price.”

Posted in Business, Humour | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments

The Horny Shower Curtain

Posted on 22 May 2010 by Larry Russwurm

I’m about to surprise you, dear reader, by saying I know you’re attractive. You’re saying to yourself right now, “How could he possibly know that – this must be one of those psychic tricks.”

But not only do I know that, I can prove it. You see, I know that you’re so attractive that when you take a shower, the shower curtain can’t control itself and gets closer and closer to you. To the shower curtain, you are indeed attractive.

Now some people might bore you with rationalizations. They might go something like this: “As the water is turned on, a partial vacuum is created and blah blah blah”.

But I know it is because you’re attractive that the shower curtain gets so close. Indeed it might even brush up against you or attempt to wrap itself around you. The shower curtain could be said to be horny.

I’ve even found out from asking attractive people of both sexes that the attraction transcends gender. You just have to be attractive. Maybe the shower curtain is bi. However can something be bi when we don’t know what sex it is to begin with?

I’ve asked attractive transgendered people and the report is the same. The shower curtain remains horny despite sexual reassignment.

With cross dressers there is the same report but that could have been assumed by the transgendered experience.

I even knew someone with an (I guess) attractive ferret. You see, even after being descented, ferrets get a bit smelly, so every week is a good time to wash them. My friend used to take his ferret into the shower with him. The ferret enjoyed the shower and was fresh smelling afterwords. This friend reported to me that the shower curtain would attempt to touch him and the ferret. So even attractive animal species are considered fair game by the horny shower curtain.

Postscript.

Maybe it is the “blah blah blah” and shower curtains always are attracted inwards. That’s for the ‘bestiality’ – offended of you. Personally I believe and continue to believe that the shower curtain’s actions prove that I am attractive.

Postscript the Second

Maybe the French, in their ongoing effort to see everything as masculine or feminine can tell us the sex of “shower curtain”. Anyone know that much French? I thought of looking it up in one of those online translators but it’s two words in English.

Posted in Humour, Science | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

They’re Torturing Mice You Know

Posted on 15 May 2010 by Larry Russwurm

Scientists have just come up with something new, a Mouse Grimace Scale. The title alone clues you in that they had to torture mice to come up with such a scale. It’s exactly what it sounds like, they recorded facial expressions on mice who were undergoing various amounts of pain.

When I think about it I imagine scientists poking full grown male mice in the testicles, again and again, recording that grimace. But that’s a low pain. I’m imagining the highest pain being when a mouse’s back end is shoved in a snake’s cage and the snake chowing down is the moment that the high speed cameras record. Because, after all, the scientists will want to see this life taking grimace again and again. Besides, retakes would be cruel.

I know a few of you are up in arms about this and a few of you are shrugging your shoulders. That snake example says plenty. Some of you know of some snakes who are kept alive on just live mice. Some owners do this despite the availability of frozen, humanely killed mice. In other words this is a very common event. I’m somewhat in the middle. Ideally I don’t like mice being tortured but one alternative is people having to experience more pain if we don’t do experiments on mice. And now that experimenting has come to include torture.

Apparently people can identify the mouse facial expressions 97 percent of the time. Which means that every time it’s necessary to torture a mouse, at least two will have to be so harmed. It’s the way science works.

But let’s take a look at the ultimate mice torturers – cats. Judging how we don’t seem to hold mouse torturing against cats, I don’t think scientists really have to worry about being shunned.

And, indeed, with the Mouse Grimace Scale, when Fluffy captures a mouse we can now say, “Fluffy, I’m letting that mouse go when it reaches a 5 on the Mouse Grimace Scale.” Thank you science.

Posted in Humour, Pets, Science | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Great Big Convoy

Posted on 8 May 2010 by Larry Russwurm

Tractor trailers made a huge splash in the 1970’s. The logo “Keep on Trucking” was everywhere. There were TV shows and movies and songs. And indeed that culture helped lead us into our present dependence (especially in smaller centers) on the tractor trailer.

Maybe we could hark back to those earlier days and idealize the tractor trailer again. But I think we should add a ‘Teens’ twist, such as environmental friendliness. Like early recycling, the basic idea was there for trucking as well. The idea of the convoy.

And what, pray tell, is so good about the convoy? It’s the fuel efficiency. The first truck breaks up the air and has about the same drag as a lone truck. But the 2nd and 3rd and so on trucks use less fuel because they fit nicely into the slipstream created by the first truck. You could also change positions so the extra fuel used by the lead truck is spread around.

I propose going even further with the ‘Teens’ convoys. How about giving them right of way at every intersection on the road. Traffic lights can be made to give emergency vehicles right of way, so why not convoys? Thus, all the slowing down and stopping and accelerating could be avoided, saving even more fuel.

To be best at fitting into the slip stream of the convoy it would soon be seen that the closest these trucks could be would be best. Why not attach each of the trailers to a giant front engine. We could use articulated connectors for all the cars. Now we’ve just saved money by needing only one driver and maybe a couple of backup drivers.

Indeed, there are more savings to be had by making the engine pull as many trailers as possible. Roads, as they are built now, may not be so good for huge convoys. It would be expensive at first, but may I suggest building roads between suitable destinations specifically for the articulated convoy. That way, very steep grades and sharp curves could be avoided.

But I must say I’m at a loss as to what to call my huge ‘Teens’ convoys. Could anyone help?

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The New Political Movement

Posted on 5 May 2010 by Larry Russwurm

We’ve all heard of recent burka bans in various European nations. Now I was thinking about pointing out that the nun’s habit is along the same lines but…

Then it occurred to me, the full repercussions of these new laws. We are now able to legislate that women have to wear less clothing. And hardly anyone is crying foul.

Indeed, the anti burka laws are being promoted as being good for women’s rights. I can hear the chant in my head as I write this, “Less clothes, women’s rights! Less clothes, women’s rights!”

I can see this movement spreading as teenage boys finally join political parties for the first time. Next on the agenda will be the nun’s habit, and the movement will spread to other areas of clothing.

Feminists will adopt a “right for the weather” clothing strategy. But nice summer days could result in mandatory bikinis for all females.

Maybe in an effort to keep women’s rights aligned with the less clothing movement, the Gwen Jacobs law will take effect. Women will be allowed to take their tops off but only if they want to. The teenage boys won’t know the history of Ontario to know that law has been on the books since Gwen Jacobs’ famous stand (1991-1996) – and hardly any females since have felt the need to take their tops off.

Eventually the various factions would split and the movement would end. Still we’d have that nice chant to remember the movement: “Less clothes, women’s rights!”

Posted in Humour, Politics | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments