On Singing Like Stevie Nicks

Posted on 19 January 2019 by Larry Russwurm

Stevie Nicks is probably the biggest talent that Fleetwood Mac is known for. As well as penning and singing many hits for Fleetwood Mac, she was, to my mind, the one with the most successful solo career. She is also known for duets with Kenny Loggins and Don Henley.

But there is no getting around the fact that the woman bleats like a sheep. Some people think that vibrato makes for good singing and she has plenty of that. Sheep also have good vibrato. It is in every “Baa,” they make.

Just listen to that Don Henley duet, Leather and Lace, if you doubt me. I will be right here waiting patiently for your return.

So I was thinking how I could make a sheep into a good singer. Stevie Nicks has two things that a sheep can’t do. She can sing a tune and she can enunciate words.

To get a tune out of a sheep all that is necessary is a sampler and a half decent keyboard player. With this it is possible to “Baa,” through many popular songs.

Enunciating words is harder. I imagine you could make a robotic mouth, tongue, teeth and lips with forced air and the basic bleating sounds coming through the setup. Yes this might be hard to do but not impossible.

Then all you would need is a writer of Stevie Nicks calibre and you could have a successful musical act. You know, along the lines of Greta van Fleet (Led Zeppelin) and the Struts (Queen – but they are trying to distance themselves from this even though Queen’s star is rising because of their biopic).

This is not an unrealistic dream. However I do wonder how you would accredit the singing of this act. Credit the keyboardist? The sheep? The engineer of the enunciation setup? Regardless this still is my dream.

And even if I can’t go as far as my dream it would still be incredibly funny to get a sampler, sample a sheep and play the singing line to all of my favourite Stevie Nicks sung songs. Just don’t expect me to share them here because copyright holders would be jealous of my talent. Get your own sampler.

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We Interview Some of the Ford Government’s New Appointees

Posted on 12 January 2019 by Larry Russwurm

LR: Fox Ford, you’ve been chosen as the province’s official chicken inspector. Is there anything you’d like to say to our readers?

FF: Not really. But I’m curious. If I were to, say, reject some meat where would they dispose of it?

LR: I’m not sure. Through proper procedures, I’m sure.

FF: What if I were to offer to take it off their hands. Free and clear. No disposal costs at all for them. Might that save them some money?

LR: Do you not understand how an interview works? I’m supposed to ask the questions.

Now, do you have any direction where you might take food inspection?

FF: I was thinking that really, can’t you tell if meat is good or bad at the farm first? Sorry about that question – it was rhetorical. I’ve always been able to size up a chicken and decide if it was good or bad while it was still alive. My stomach can attest to my 100% accuracy. Anyhow, I think we can move the inspection system to the farms for freshness. The system might be able to save on slaughtering costs as well. Just thinking aloud.

LR: My, Fox Ford, I just can’t seem to look away from your pointy face and red hair. And you look like you’re drowning in that suit.

FF: Do you have something you’re trying to tell me?

LR: There’s the questions again. Just thinking aloud. Like you did. If we’re off on the wrong foot just go.

Fox Ford leaves the interview.

*

LR: Now Sinbad Baddie, you’re the new pot czar for Ontario. May I ask, how do you know the Ford family?

SB: I’m entirely qualified to be pot czar. I used to supply drugs to Ontarians.

LR: Was that crack? And was it to the Ford family?

SB: I object to this line of questioning. You’re just assuming the worst because of my name. Well let me assure you that it is a double negative which is a positive.

LR: It’s a triple negative which is a negative.

SB: Agree to disagree.

LR: Alright. The government way underestimated the potential pot market and there are shortages everywhere province wide. Is that because someone in government asked their dealer and the dealer lied in order to enrich themselves.

SB: I object to this line of questioning, too. Are you trying to out me as a dealer or as a member of government. I can’t decide which.

LR: I am trying to out you both ways.

SB: Now I know why people in politics always use that handy “No comment” answer. No comment.

LR: Do you have anything else the public might want to know?

SB: No comment.

*

LR: Digby Runes, may I just say how glad I am to meet the appointee in charge of manufacturing and industry. I am pleased to say you are not a Ford or a known friend of the Fords.

DR: Yes, yes. I am happy to be here.

LR: You must be an expert in your field to be chosen for this.

DR: Quite right. I have been in middle management in the manufacturing field for years.

LR: Middle management? They could have promoted almost anyone from that. Why you?

DR: I think I bring skills they needed.

LR: Like what?

DR: Like my total commitment to the job. No matter what they want I will try, try, try to make it happen.

LR: So your skill is you try at your job?

DR: Yes, yes.

LR: Digby Runes, are you a Yes man?

DR: Yes, yes. Quite, quite.

LR: As a Yes man, what do you see as your most important goal?

DR: With GM abandoning part of Ontario and Chrysler still being uncompetitive I see an opening with cars for this to be Ford Nation.

LR: Ontario’s not a nation, Canada is.

DR: Things change.

LR: And Ford is getting out of making any cars. It would be more like Honda nation.

DR: SUVs, then. Still Ford Nation.

LR: Doesn’t that sound like a stupid plan to you?

DR: Yes, this interview is over.

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The Prison

Posted on 5 January 2019 by Larry Russwurm

Let’s follow the academic career of a typical scientist to see just exactly where they are coming from.

First up is elementary school where the scientist-to-be has a slightly better math aptitude. It is also possible for her to be a bit better at logic than her peers and this may help her in her other subjects, too.

Later on, in junior high she might encounter “science” classes where memorization seems to be everything. Naming and classifying is all they ever seem to do. It is not necessary for the scientist-to-be to excel at these courses but the scientist-to-be often does.

By grades 10 or 11 in high school she often encounters “real” science where the basics of what can be said by math and other logic systems are met for the first time.

At about the same time these “real” sciences are introduced, the student is met with electives for the first time. Curious about how the real sciences work, the scientist-to-be often uses all of her electives on science and math courses. In the last year of high school, she is almost forced to take all science and math courses due to entry requirements at University.

Often there are electives at University, too. But for the science major these are vastly outnumbered by the required courses and the prerequisites for the interesting upper year courses. Again, the scientist-to-be uses her electives on science and math courses.

Then comes graduate programs. The scientist-to-be takes graduate courses in her field-to-be while madly working on her Masters and PhD. There is almost no time for electives.

The freshly minted doctor throws herself into her work as a professor. Research grants demand expertise in her field and this demands she keep up with everything related to her field. This, surprise, surprise, leaves little time for other interests.

She finally achieves tenure, that most prized of professor accomplishments. She can take a sabbatical. She can learn new things. Her research can go in almost any direction she wants. And she finds out for the first time that science is supposed to be curiosity driven. She could go anywhere with her mind.

It’s like she’s been in a prison all her life and has now been handed the master key. She ponders opening up her cell door. She studies all the math and science she once took and decides to make step by step advances in the stuff she already knows.

She has the master key but refuses to use it. The prison is now voluntary. Or perhaps it is a case of Stockholm Syndrome.

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Fave Posts of 2018

Posted on 29 December 2018 by Larry Russwurm

Some think that this Boxing Week post is the lamest of the year. There are no jokes – I just list some of my favourite posts of the last year for your curiosity.

But some might appreciate these posts. If you are new to my site you might appreciate this list. Know that every Boxing Week I do this except 2015. In 2015 I forgot to do this list and it appeared as the first post of 2016.

Others might be curious at what I am aiming for in my humour. These posts are generally what I try to aim for . Know also that in October I thought I was on a hot streak of one good post after another. The stats I got bore this out, too. October was my top visitor getting month of the year.

In February I warned countries to not cut down their rainforests. An unpredictable United States with the most powerful military especially, that is, on cleared land, is a strong danger.

Permapout was posted in April and told us some of how a meeting would go down with Trump and Kim Jong Un in a more realistic way than the idea that Trump could somehow manage to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

In May I pointed out how humans may be able to time travel like animals already successfully doing so today. I call this style of time travel “ignorant time travel”.

In July I posted about the realities of ‘7 League Boots‘.

In October I like all my posts but Better than ‘Baby on Board’ is my favourite.

In December I liked Don’t Grinch or Scrooge This Post. It brings up points that are only too true but also funny.

So, whether or not you actually choose to follow the links, have a wonderful new year of 2019.

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Oh, the Irony of Parties in Canada

Posted on 22 December 2018 by Larry Russwurm

The first irony is that a party means a group that gets along. It’s almost completely ironic that only one person (the leader) has any say in this group. Oh they pretend equality every once in a while by having a free vote in the House of Commons. But these are rare and only occur if the party leader has no clear answer of their own.

The only thing liberal about the Liberals is spreading the net wide for the opposite sex. Just follow the career of Trudeau the elder. He even went out of the country to find suitable females. I am as surprised as you are that he found a Canadian mother for his children.

But more often the liberals are conservatives. Just ask Justin Trudeau who appointed an evenly split by gender cabinet. This is of course a ruse of equality because the cabinet has zero power. Trudeau has it all. Because it’s long past 2015 and that’s how Trudeau rolls.

The Conservatives are almost always the most liberal in their spending. Preach fiscal conservatism but try to outspend the socialists when you are in power is their real motto. That’s what the Conservatives do over and over again. You see, their rich buddies want them to spend the same amount of money on them or their companies as previous governments did on social programs. Is it a surprise that the Conservatives get the most campaign contributions? Not bad for a party that is usually number two in popularity.

Most of the provincial conservative parties are known as Progressive Conservative parties. Excepting fiscal conservatism these more local parties should really be known as the Regressive conservatives. Debtor’s prison? What a great idea and they got the idea from that British literary great Charles Dickens. This is regardless of Dickens’ true intent.

The New Democratic Party is not new – it has existed for my full lifetime. Even in the world of political parties it is older than even the European Green Parties.

Which gets us to the Canadian Green Party. Maybe they just don’t know what ironic is. Almost all their platforms either don’t affect the environment or are green in that they are positive for the environment.

Everyone in Canada knows the “colour of money” is green even though we have multicoloured money. Just ask the Rosedale stop on one of the Toronto subway lines. (Yes it’s a rich area and yes the tiles on the stop are green.) Isn’t greening the environment supposed to be expensive? It is but this change could be a large engine of the economy. I think the change would give us better lives. And before you quote a naysaying economist on me, remember that there are many yea-saying economists. That’s right. As a science, economics is far softer than climate science so there is way more division.

Is the Green Party too green to realize that it must be ironic in Canada? Maybe. But maybe there is a group of people that is sick to death of backwards speak.

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Don’t Grinch or Scrooge This Post

Posted on 15 December 2018 by Larry Russwurm

How many times have we heard it? Someone is acting non Christmassy and so we label them a grinch. Or someone is cheap with the amount of money spent on gifts so someone calls them a scrooge.

Who would argue that someone taking back a Christmas gift shouldn’t be called a grinch? After all that is in keeping with the Grinch’s whole plan of stealing Christmas from the whos down in whoville.

Who would argue that someone exhibiting miser like qualities, especially around the holidays, shouldn’t be called a scrooge? That was Ebeneezer Scrooges M.O. throughout much of A Christmas Carol.

I would argue against both of these. The whole point of How the Grinch Stole Christmas and A Christmas Carol is the transformation of their protaganists from sour, bitter, anti-Christmas characters to happy, pro celebration and pro good deeds characters.

To be a grinch is to be someone who takes joy in carving the roast beast at Christmas time. Only vegans and vegetarians might see this as bad.

To be a scrooge is to be one who revels in the good health of Tiny Tim.

Would you like to be labeled forevermore as something you once were? How about calling you Poopy Pants for the rest of your life because this once described you as a baby.

It would be even more fitting to use your name be it Gerard or Sandy or Della as a synonym for poopy pants. “Ewww! I smell a Gerard!” Or how about, “Baby! Are you a Sandy today? Gross.” Or wrinkling your nose and saying with a sneer, “Are you Della in your used Depends?”

Now I have only to apologize for abusing the words scrooge and grinch in the title of this post. After the transformation they saw, I want you to grinch and scrooge this post. Perhaps it will go viral.

Posted in Humour, Stage and Screen, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Mis’er

Posted on 1 December 2018 by Larry Russwurm

Kammarina was despondent about working at the White House as a cleaner. She had asked her employers for a better contract but none were available since it was a given that you start at the bottom.

She was descended from an obscure South American indigenous group. They were a lot like other groups from their area it’s just that her group didn’t use the ‘t’ sound in their language. Thus Kammarina didn’t use the ‘t’ sound in her English, either.

This worried her to some degree. “Please,” she had asked, “don” make me ‘alk ‘o the presiden’.”

Her supervisor could only ask, “Wha?”

She slowed herself down and carefully chose her words. “Please do no’ make me speak with the presiden’.”

“Gotcha,” said her supervisor. “We don’t wish to make this job any harder than it needs to be. So no, you will not to need to speak with the president.”

This, Kammarina was to find on only her fifth day working there, was a lie. It was the very first time that she had worked in the presence of the president.

“Miss, can you clear away my empty glass?” he asked.

“Sure,” she said, hoping to remain under the radar. She snatched the glass and headed toward the kitchen.

“Not so fast,” said the president. “You forgot my honourifics.”

She wasn’t exactly sure what he meant by this so she tried a couple of tacks. “Sorry, sir, Mis’er Donald, sir.”

“Melania and I agreed she had to spend some time in New York. So, no I don’t miss her. Hey! We are not on a first name basis!”

“Sorry, Mis’er ‘rump, sir!”

“Yeah, I do. Hey! Use my last name and make it clear I have achieved the highest office in the land!

As a person that usually didn’t use ‘t’s she tried her best and even placed her teeth together in the way others do when they make ‘t’s. As luck would have it she got 2 of 3 ‘t’s right. “Sorry, Mister President ‘rump, sir.

President Trump made a sour face which turned to a smile as he realized he had a chance to use his old catch phrase. “You’re fired! Get out of here!”

Kammarina smiled. ‘Perhaps this would be for the best’ she thought as she left for the check points. Getting out this early meant that she might never be grabbed by that man by her p**sy. That made it a victory for her. Even the yelling of her supervisor would not sour that.

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Maybe We Should Conscript Tomboys

Posted on 24 November 2018 by Larry Russwurm

Ever since the entrance of females in the military, most of the developed world has avoided the thorny question of ‘to conscript or not to conscript.’ Quite simply if we conscript every able bodied young person then the home front falls down.

We used to get away with just conscripting the men, aged 18 to 40, who are in nonessential work. Even if homemaking were nonessential, women are putting off having a baby to later and later. They have more years being eligible to soldier in a war. But some men choose to stay home with baby. Shouldn’t they get the conscription exemption?

And, in fact, if we base exemptions on whether the couple have a baby or not, mightn’t there be a baby boom? At least half of the people in couples with a baby would be exempt from the war. The fight to stay at home with the kid might escalate. The males and females would both want to stay home. So how does the government decide?

Don’t we all think that girly girls should be exempt? By the same token, females could still fight in the war, if they are tomboys.

Both are loose definitions. Perhaps the female could decide for herself. Indeed she may have already done so in a more official manner. Perhaps she has registered as a feminist at some point in her life. Or taken part in a feminist rally. Perhaps these females will be seen as being outed and have to serve if conscription comes about.

Some men would enjoy seeing feminists put in a war situation against their will. But would they enjoy seeing girly men staying home? The men who are prejudiced against feminism are almost certainly homophobic. Their opinion on girly men is probably just as low.

Do females even want to see equal rights on the battlefield when the decisions are still made by male commanders and commanders in chief? Most of the deciding about the battlefield is decided by men to this very day.

If a war came about that needed conscription in a developed country, I would bet with great certainty that they would conscript the men and leave the women as voluntary participants. I could be wrong but that’s how I see this. Because the issues are just too thorny for some leader who relies on the votes of its populace to decide. But even this ‘compromise’ hasn’t happened yet.

So I just want to thank all our women in uniform. Thank you for making the issue of conscription so thorny for our society that since the women’s movement got going strong in the seventies, there hasn’t been one act of conscription that I know of.

I do know that it has been hard on the enlisted, though. The government keeps forcing the enlisted to go back for another tour of duty so society never has to decide these thorny gender issues. I credit the women in uniform for having stopped conscription from being enacted. Yes, I know this might just be a temporary era. But it is an era nevertheless.

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‘rump Roast

Posted on 17 November 2018 by Larry Russwurm

We are in dire need of another Donald Trump roast. Since 2012 we have learned so much more about the Donald now that this update must be done and soon.

First of all we would have no problem getting comedians. At this point, the Donald could be roasted all in simple sarcasm. “The Donald is a man of truth.” Or “The high Cheeto is a white man who is so pro equal rights that the Nobel Prize is really his just for the asking.”

But, some comedians might say, sarcasm is usually the domain of teenyboppers looking for a way to express themselves. It really isn’t high comedy that is going to make adults have full belly laughs. Or have adults repeating the jokes the very next day.

I object to this. Just pay attention to the finishing of the human rights bit. “The orange headed troll doll is known for his strong support of equal rights for all the peoples around the world. He never lets the rights of females fall to the wayside. And obviously he is a fan of the LGBTQ community.”

Imagine a polished comedian saying the first sarcastic sentence. Of course she’ll leave a slight pause after it for people to realize that this is the time to laugh. But I bet that even an experienced roaster might have trouble coming in again. She might try a couple times before the roll of laughter of the audience subsides enough. There will be similar effects after the other two sentences.

Now imagine the laughter continuing as the roaster calls out other positive attributes Donald ‘rump just doesn’t have.

“Honest! A man of his word! Empathetic! A fair man!” The jokes and laughs just go on and on.

But for a true comedy roast, ‘rump must be in attendance. Microphone or no, Trump will try to out yell the roasters. As well, he will tweet his displeasure to the world, calling each comedian “unfunny”. So Donny boy will have to be gagged and handcuffed throughout the whole roast.

And that last sentence is the real reason to have the roast. I would laugh so hard at a bound and gagged Trump. That might be as close to jail or impeachment as the nervous Democrats will ever get him to be.

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Commercial for Bell’s Fibe TV Sounds a Lot Like Homeopathy

Posted on 10 November 2018 by Larry Russwurm

If you still watch some ads on network TV like I do, in Canada, then chances are you’ve come across a certain ad for Fibe TV.

In the ad a presumed gay couple are at a real estate open house and just sit watching television and go over all the advantages of the installed Fibe TV. Then the real estate agent comes over and asks them if they want to see any other rooms in the house.

“No, we’re sold,” say the gay guys. Presumably they will buy the house after seeing Fibe TV inside it.

But, for those of you who don’t know, Fibe TV doesn’t come as a package deal in the sale of a house. First you buy the house and then maybe you will install (or reinstall) Fibe TV.

So the gay couple bought the house because it once had Fibe TV inside.

That’s like buying a house because it once had a certain scent of air freshener you love.

Or buying a house because it once had a piano inside and you love music.

Think of all the marketing schemes you could come up with people being so desperate for a tenuous connection.

Real estate agents might begin to hire top chefs for a day to make gourmet meals inside houses for sale.

Or rent really expensive jewelry, you know, the kind with its own names, and telling potential buyers that it was once in the house for sale.

This comes dangerously close to homeopathy. You know, that quack medicine where you fill a bottle with a possibly lethal active ingredient. Say you use an arsenic solution. But you don’t want to actually kill your customer so you dump out the liquid and dilute the remaining arsenic solution with water. But that’s still potentially dangerous so you dump it out and dilute again. And again and again. The drink is now completely safe but you have lost all traces of your active ingredient. So now you say it will work anyway although it can be shown that the solution contains less than 5 molecules of arsenic.

So Bell’s strategy is the same as for homeopathy. There might appear to be a tenuous connection but in reality it is so slight as to be nothing.

Homeopathy is believed in by gullible people. Perhaps Bell wishes to corner this market and thus have future sales of other nefarious products. Or future upgrades that all the cable and phone companies like to up sell their customers with.

But most importantly, I hope that someone in charge of advertising for Bell’s Fibe TV gets to read this article and realize just how ridiculous their advertising is. Then they might take this commercial off their networks. Which would be a great thing because I’m so terribly sick of this ad.

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