Real Vampires Have Unkempt Hair

Posted on 7 June 2013 by Larry Russwurm

It’s almost taken for granted that vampires cast no reflection. Then why is it that they are represented as tidy, good looking characters in movies and books? Real vampires would have unkempt hair. Not tousled in a cute way like a boy band. They would not have playful locks like a beauty contestant that change the angles of her face depending how she holds her head. No, vampires would have unsightly hair, unsightly being used literally. Indeed, in some corners of the world it is thought that vampires cast no shadow as well, meaning their hair could flatten to their head or stick out in unseemly ways, all without them noticing.

Female vampires, trying to attract with that black lipstick, would instead scare you away. Sure she would have some idea where her lips were, but I suspect she would look like a little kid that had just eaten chocolate sauce out of a bowl using no spoon. Other makeup would also be problematic. I suspect vampires that wear mascara would make their eyes red and puffy from touching the mascara brush far too many times to their eyeball. And you try to get the smoky eye effect without being able to see what you are doing.

Let’s say our vampire did make it to a date with a potential victim. Then they got broccoli in their teeth. We all know how difficult this conversation is. “You have broccoli in your teeth.” They pick at their teeth at random. “No your left side.” They pick at their left side at random. “No, the bottom…” At this point usually the picker looks at their reflection in a spoon and all is right again for that date. But the reflectionless vampire will go on and on, needing progressively more accurate descriptions. “Your bicuspid (I can’t believe I remember that!).””No, your front bicuspid.” “The tip of your bicuspid.” “The front centre of your bicuspid.” “Finally!”

Imagine that same conversation with a booger. The vampire’s nose will be fully picked by the time the offending bit of snot has been found. Now try eating your meal. I didn’t think so.

Again, any food or dirt on the vampire’s face will not be easy to remove. Perhaps a still amorous date might wipe off the offensive bit with their own towelette. Then they will notice that red spot on the vampire’s collar.

“No, no, it’s not another lover’s lipstick. It’s just another victim’s bl-”. Date over.

Vampires are hardly the uber attractive people they’ve been portrayed as in fiction. So let’s stop making them sex symbols. They are simply grotesque.

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Legalization

Posted on 1 June 2013 by Larry Russwurm

The legalization of marijuana seemed to pick up some steam last year as Washington state and Colorado both voted to legalize the substance. But there are federal laws which seem to trump those votes. So now the legalization of marijuana movement is trying to negotiate with the federal powers that be to try to get some action.

I believe president Obama is trying to manage everything as fairly as possible. For instance he never brings up the idea that the pro marijuana movement is made up of hippie anarchists. But all he gets out of the meetings is something like this:

“Blah blah blah, blabbity blah blah legalization. Blah blah legalization blabbity blah. Legalization blah blah blah, blah blah blah.” Then he drifts off and daydreams about all the things he’d like to legalize.

So the pro marijuana movement has pushed Obama to see that the legalization of wiretapping anyone and everyone is the way to go.

Drone attacks, another presidential wet dream, has been legalized. Any enemy of the American state can be taken down by a drone. And all quite legally, now (at least according to the American government).

So you have made a big impression, pro marijuana supporters. But I caution you in Colorado and Washington state. You are most certainly being wiretapped.

And if you go against the federal government, whether obstinately or sweetly, I would be worried about odd noises. It just might be a presidential drone, released to do its dirty work. All for the sole purpose of being the strong right hand of that particular law which upholds the primacy of federal law.

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Mountaineers in Space

Posted on 25 May 2013 by Larry Russwurm

The current mountain climber’s lament is that it sure is hard to make a name for yourself these days. That’s been true since Sir Edmund Hillary first climbed Everest in 1953. Note: I remembered Hillary’s name but the more recent accomplishments I’ve had to look up.

You’ve probably heard of the Seven Summits challenge where mountain climbers climb the highest mountain on each continent. Bass first suggested it and in 1985, achieved it.

It was pointed out by Messner that the highest peak in the Australian continent is actually Puncak Jaya in the island nation of Indonesia and not Mount Kosciuszko in Australia. Morrow first completed this new list in 1986.

Today over 200 people have achieved either list of the seven peaks. Some have achieved both. I dare anyone to memorize all their names (the list of presidents of the US is easier). I certainly am not going to bother.

And why didn’t Messner complete his own list first? Simply because he was too busy climbing the 14 biggest peaks, all of which are in Asia.

If these three lists of summits aren’t enough, the Seven Second Summits was proposed. That is where one scales the second highest summit on each continent. K2, the Asian second highest mountain is supposed to be a harder climb than Everest. That feat, combined with the other 6, was first achieved by Kammerlander in 2012.

There seems to be nowhere a young mountaineer can make a name for himself. Except…

A few of the best of the world’s space programs are thinking of going to the moon. And why not? There is known to be water in at least some parts of the moon.

Perhaps some enterprising mountaineer can persuade whatever country to land near the moon’s biggest peak – Mons Huygens. Said mountaineer would then climb it and have a first for themselves as well as for the country that landed there.

But wait, why stop there? Maybe we should go to the biggest peak in the solar system – Olympus Mons on Mars.

If you you have your ear to the ground you’ve probably heard of the private nonprofit, Mars One, which intends to land people on Mars, without a way to return, by 2023. So far they’ve been relatively benign – only charging money for people applying to be their astronauts.

But you know they are going to try to make their money off the reality series they intend to become. For lack of a better term, I call this future show “Deathwatch, 2023”.

Sure they might be able to successfully launch the crew to Mars and even have them land safely. But I strongly doubt they will be able to launch enough equipment to keep all the crew alive indefinitely which is what they must do to be good citizens. And the crew’s descendants. Basically this is a forever duty.

Still, some mountaineer could be drawn to a different type of immortality. They could go to Mars and then simply knowing the mission is doomed, can spend their time on the important things like scaling Olympus Mons.

And does someone, anyone know why the second highest mountain on Earth is called K2 when we’ve already properly named many, many mountains on other planets and moons? [June 1,2013 add on] My own suggestions for naming K2 include: Mt. Almost, Mt. Not Quite, and my personal favourite – Mt. Everer.

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Are Plants Drunk Off the Excess Carbon Dioxide?

Posted on 18 May 2013 by Larry Russwurm

Very often, too much of even a good thing can result in wonkiness. For plants, the excess carbon dioxide in the atmosphere because of all mankind’s activities, is probably a good thing for them. You see, plants take in carbon dioxide and give off oxygen – the opposite of the animal world which takes in oxygen and gives off carbon dioxide. An excess of carbon dioxide probably makes life a little easier for a plant’s survival. This may be heady resulting in at least some plants getting drunk.

So what if plants get a little drunk? That probably doesn’t effect humans in any large way. True. But we can at least look at the plant world and look at those species which best exemplify this state of being.

Dandelions are very visible right now in the northern hemisphere. Wherever grass grows, dandelions seem to grow a bit better. But right now, some are turning into fuzz balls. It’s only a matter of days till these dandelions begin puking up their seeds. Puke that floats lazily on the wind and kids try to catch for a chance at a wish.

The tumbleweeds are getting so tipsy they just take the path of least resistance and go wherever the wind takes them.

The thornbush has imbibed so heavily on the carbon dioxide that it is spoiling for a fight. A fight it usually wins.

Vines just limply hang there. I hope someone took their car keys because they are as up for things as a passed out human.

There are many plants that are creepers. Maybe they were more impressive before the record levels of carbon dioxide came into being. But now they are reduced to crawling and otherwise inching their way around.

And then there are the water loving weeping willows. The wind through their branches sound that familiar drunk refrain – “I love you, man.” It is only after this that they weep.

So while humanity tries to retool to the global warming brought about by the excess carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, at least some of the plant world has lived it up so much they are clearly drunk most of the time. I say it’s time for prohibition for plants. Like food addicts they need to cut their consumption back to more normal levels.

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The Articler

Posted on 11 May 2013 by Larry Russwurm

The astute among you will notice that the title has a made up word. The name might make sense if you follow the rest of this post.

Over 4 decades ago, mankind first set foot on the moon. It was on July 20, 1969 and expressly for his first step, Neil Armstrong had a famous quote, “one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Or at least that was how the public heard it on their television sets, a quarter of a million miles away. So that is how it was mostly quoted as.

But none other than Neil Armstrong himself insisted that what he really said was, “one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” He claims he said the “a”. Recordings don’t clearly demonstrate this. Careful examinations of the recordings say there is something that may have been an “a” but it is very unclear. No wonder the public missed it. But did they?

Over a year later and on another continent, the band Yes was making an album (the Yes Album) that was clearly enamoured with the Moon program. “saying we have the moon, so now the stars” is a line in Perpetual Change. But what might have more to do with Neil Armstrong than that line is a title of a guitar solo song, The Clap.

The song is written and played by Steve Howe, but Jon Anderson introduces it. The live introduction is played with it. Anderson says, “Here’s a song called The Clap.” That’s what I hear and clearly the person in charge of the album cover thought, too. That name graces the cover.

But Yes insists that the title should be simply: Clap. And there is some justification for this position. Why name a song for a sexually transmitted disease? Gonorrhea is sometimes referred to as “the clap”. Is Yes telling the truth despite the recording that seems to say otherwise?

Some believers are quick to say that Yes and Neil Armstrong are both right. They believe in an elusive invisible creature called the articler. It ingests the indefinite article “a” and over a year later excretes the definite article “the”. And that, they say, proves that in both cases everyone was right.

But we at Many Rants try to take a more scientific approach to things. The sun sends out more radiation about every 11 years. These peaks can wreak havoc with electronics and create bright Northern and Southern Lights. The very end of 1968 and the start of 1969 was one of these peaks. Neil Armstrong said his words at nearly the peak. The Yes incident was about a year later, in Autumn 1970. That, too, is close enough to the maximum for wonky things to result. I submit these two incidents could be totally caused by activity that originated in the sun.

But the articler believers aren’t so sure. Perhaps, they say, articlers are nourished better in times of great solar activity. So the standoff continues.

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In the Presence of Dentyne

Posted on 4 May 2013 by Larry Russwurm

If you watched television in the last couple of years, chances are you’ve seen the ‘practise safe breath’ Dentyne campaign for that brand of gum. Basically they use condom like situations to provide the comedy for these ads.

I don’t know if it has been true for the whole campaign, but the latest ad shows the guy with the hard won, pristine and unopened pack of Dentyne. It never shows him chewing a piece but it shows the girl now willing to kiss him and they do. So I am left thinking that you don’t have to actually use your Dentyne to get its benefits. You just need to be in the presence of Dentyne.

I think I’ll try this out for my next date. I’ll be free to eat onions, stinky cheese and garlic. Then instead of freshening my breath by actually having a piece of Dentyne, I will place an unopened pack near me and pucker up at the end of the date. What could go wrong? Someone naive might think I’m asking for a fight by proving I have easy access to fresh breath but refusing to go that one step further.

Then I’ll go one step further. I’ll go to a dental appointment without brushing my teeth. “Doc,” I’ll say (dentists love being called doc), “You’re in luck. I got Dentyne just for you.”

When I place the Dentyne beside me and then invite him to do his job, you might think I’m being egregious in not actually chewing the Dentyne first. But thanks to Dentyne advertisements, I know my mouth is fresh as a daisy.

So when you’re in a variety store, pucker up. You’re in the presence of Dentyne so your breath will be fine if you spy someone you wish to kiss. Same for drug stores and checkouts in bigger stores where the gum is stored.

Since the connection to condoms was made, I can follow the logic and suspect that pregnancy is unlikely if you have a sealed condom near your lovemaking site. Spreading STD’s might be unlikely too. Thank you, Dentyne for alerting us to the power of being in the presence of something to get their full effect. I suspect there is a whole pseudo science here waiting to be unleashed on the world.

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The Space Yoyo

Posted on 27 April 2013 by Larry Russwurm

I’m sure that many of you have heard of the space elevator. That is where an incredibly strong and light ribbon is strung from geosynchronous orbit down to the surface of earth and simultaneously the ribbon extends further out from geosynchronous orbit to act as a counterbalance for all that mass.

Then, one attaches a climber or an elevator that uses its own power supply to ascend the ribbon. This will get mass into space and out of space, for a fraction of the cost of rockets.

Having two separate systems, the ribbon and a self powered elevator seems so inelegant to me. What if instead you make a space yoyo? That way the ribbon and elevator could act as one in raising and lowering the elevator.

Look, you’re going to have to use rockets to get the space elevator in place anyway. How about you leave a lot of extra fuel on the rocket and use it as “the big jerk in the sky”. Yoyos are controlled by well timed jerks.

You could load and unload on the ground by using “the sleeper” yoyo maneuver where the elevator would spin but would remain stationary with respect to the ground. Things could be loaded and unloaded through the centre of the elevator.

Of course all that spinning, and stopping and starting that spinning could make some people very sick. Still, isn’t it worth it to get to space? After all , right now, many choose to enter the “vomit comet” to just simulate zero gravity. These people gamble with puking when they aren’t even making it into space.

So I say ‘yea’ to the space yoyo. Sure the ribbon or string will need to be even stronger but that is a small price to pay for its elegance. Maybe the future will greet us with space yoyos instead of elevators. And when not operating they could do all those other yoyo tricks. “Around the World” would suddenly take on new meaning.

spaceyoyo

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Pieing Lou Ferrigno

Posted on 20 April 2013 by Larry Russwurm

Let me start by stating that Lou Ferrigno might be a fantastic guy and I might never even have the urge to pie him, let alone actually do it. I use the theoretical Lou Ferrigno as an example of the pumping iron mentality of the seventies and eighties.

If you don’t remember, Lou Ferrigno played The Incredible Hulk in the eighties TV show. Mild mannered Bruce Banner would get angry and his body couldn’t stop the change. His shirt and pants would split as he became an angry and very strong, green monster. Of course nothing less than an extreme body builder like Lou Ferrigno would do as the monster. The monster’s skin was green as per usual from the Marvel comics.

Coincident with the television series was the once yearly show, the Battle of the Network Stars. Lou Ferrigno used to participate and at his first appearance I almost thought that his network had picked up the Incredible Hulk TV show for the express purpose of winning the Battle of the Network Stars. If anyone seemed more of a ringer than Lou Ferrigno, I didn’t know who it was. With all those well built muscles he had the strength to outperform everyone.

Except. Except when it came to running. The fast women could beat him at running. The slow men could beat him at running. The slow women could beat him at running. Apparently body builders went for musculature in their legs and this does not transfer over to speed.

So thirty years too late I came up with the idea of pieing Lou Ferrigno. Imagine the embarrassment of being able to beat up any enemy if only that enemy didn’t run away. That would be Lou Ferrigno’s quandary 30 years ago after I pied him and immediately took off. His only solace would be if the pie tasted good.

I wouldn’t stop there. No. I would go for the pumping iron triumvirate. I’d pie Mr. T. And of course Arnold Schwarzenegger. Far and wide the lesson would spread. Weight lifters are powerful but they are slow.

I would stop there. Because it was also known in the eighties that the fastest man on steroids was Ben Johnson. It’s believed that steroids made him so muscular and he was that way at his fastest. In other words fairly big muscles don’t mean slow at all. It’s just the quest for the largest possible muscles in your legs means slow running.

After the humiliating pieing, the triumvirate would realize the error in their ways and perhaps train their legs in a different way.

But that never happened. So now, if you’re an average speed human being, just remember if you are ever challenged by a huge weightlifter, you can always challenge him to a race. Lou Ferrigno knows the results of that type of competition.

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Light at the End of the World

Posted on 13 April 2013 by Larry Russwurm

I’ve lived through at least three possible ends of the world. And instead of being snuffed out, I’ve found that instead humanity ends up being better off for it. I am not going to restate that ‘whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger’ because clearly that line is a lie. In no way do I think humanity was ever at risk in the three examples I’m going to make. But thinking on our supposed demise actually helped us out.

The first doomsday scenario I was supposed to swallow was the so called Jupiter Effect. All the planets were going to be in the same quadrant of the sky. Such lopsidedness might be the undoing of all our orbits and the ultimate demise of life on Earth.

But of course the sun is massive enough to reign all the planets in even when they are lopsided. Nothing bad happened.

But this was about the same time that scientists were first going to send robotic probes beyond Mars. Not only were the outer planets in the same quadrant, it was possible to send the probes at just the correct speed and angle so they could ‘slingshot’ to a faster speed to do a ‘grand tour’ of the outer planets. Voyager I visited Jupiter and Saturn. Voyager II went to Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune. And that kiddies, was when Neptune’s great dark spot was discovered as well as many, many other firsts.

Most of you who can read this lived through the Y2K doomsday. That was the flip of the dates from the 1900s to the 2000s. Computers had been lazily programmed before this time to have only the last two digits of the year. Computers might give confusing results or not even work when the two digits reset. Necessary systems, now run by computers, might give out causing widespread chaos.

But enough time of crying danger made the governments and big business attack this problem on time. Very little didn’t work after the changeover. And what didn’t seemed inconsequential.

Maybe this spawned the extreme behaviour of preppers. But there is nothing wrong with the base idea of just being prepared. Less than a handful of years passed before the 50 million+ people blackout of North America. Despite days of no or little electricity, large parts of the continent didn’t slip into anarchy. Perhaps Y2K had made us all a little more aware of being prepared.

2112 to us Rush fans, or the end of the Mayan calendar for the rest of the world, happened just months ago. I was in no panic having lived through two doomsdays. Especially this one which seemed to be just an end of bookkeeping and not really anything significant. However parts of the world were clearly anxious, especially with the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) coming on stream in Europe with dire predictions of black holes and other possible calamities being spawned.

Now, the rest of the world might agree with my bookkeeping comment, because nothing at all untoward happened on 21/12/12.

Indeed the LHC may have discovered the Higgs boson, one of the reasons it was built for. Why would this be so great? Well the Higgs boson is supposed to be responsible for the characteristic of mass. It might be possible to take all the Higgs bosons from you and then send you off at the speed of light. You might be able to go at the speed of light if you no longer have mass! Then, when you reach your destination, Higgs bosons could be added to you so you have your original properties. We might have fast as light travel from the formerly scary sounding LHC.

So when the next doomsday comes, I’m hoping humanity can once more wring an advancement out of such supposedly dire straits.

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H. G. Wells, the Teenage Sidekick of the Father of Science Fiction

Posted on 6 April 2013 by Larry Russwurm

I saw Robert J. Sawyer give a lecture on TV Ontario a couple weeks ago. In it, he called Mary Shelley the progenitor of science fiction. No arguments there. He also said the spur of this entire article; he called H. G. Wells the father of science fiction.

Now I’ve always held that H. G. Wells and Jules Verne both made a big impact on science fiction. Their footprints are different, but are about the same import. These two were the first science fiction writers to make a career out of it – even if their works went under the heading of scientific romances, back then. I mostly value them equally. But when it comes to being called the father of science fiction, Verne is easy to discern as the first career science fiction writer, by decades, and thus deserves the title.

Sawyer credited Brian Aldiss as being important in helping define the history part of his lecture. Indeed, I knew of Aldiss as a historian of SF because the library I used to work at, had at least one work in stock (Billion Year Spree?) which I glanced at. Unsure how to take this history I glanced at the Verne and Wells section and took away the distinct feeling Aldiss was minimizing Verne and promoting Wells. I felt it was too biased for my liking. That’s my long way of saying that this work of Aldiss was too long and I didn’t read it. I would have taken it out and read it, had I felt it was going to deal with SF fairly.

I blame Sawyer for his own father comment of Wells, even if Aldiss is his inspiration. Instead of following this lead I will always say that Verne is the true father of science fiction. But Wells is important also, so let’s give him the billing of being the teenage sidekick of the father of science fiction.

And, as I sought more backing on the web, I found that as well as these two, Hugo Gernsback is also sometimes called the father of science fiction. Which adds to my suspicion that the naming of a father of science fiction might differ by national identity. I’m sure in France many agree that Verne is the father. In Britain they of course see Wells as the father. In America they probably see Gernsback as the father of SF.

I think Sawyer is squandering the opportunity of being Canadian and bringing a new voice to the table. Instead, I see him as blindly following the British line maybe because of our close ties (spelling and the monarchy being two examples). So I will do it trying to be as neutral as possible. And again I say Verne is the father of SF. Wells can be the teenage sidekick of the father and Gernsback can be the tween sidekick of the teenage sidekick of the father. Or , to sound more respectful, Wells can be the ward of the father of SF and Gernsback can be ward of the ward of the father of SF.

And all this might be moot anyway. In many other cases where there is someone called the father of something, they are often also the progenitor of that field. So maybe the field of SF has only Mary Shelley as the mother of science fiction, and there could be said to be no real father.

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