Mutant Fish Found in Grand River (My River!)

Posted on 7 October 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Feminized male fish were found downstream of the sewage treatment plants’ effluent in the Grand River of Metro Kitchener (my city). Fish were found to be normal upstream of all the sewage treatment plants. The male fish in question, while usually carrying microscopic eggs, were carrying eggs easily visible to the naked eye. This usually only occurs in the females.

‘Does the effluent come from a nuclear plant?’ some are sure to wonder, the connection between radiation and mutation being so strong in our society. The only nuclears I am aware of in this city would be ones that exist in every mid size city – radiation at hospitals and in smoke detectors, etc. In Ontario we keep our nuclear reactors far away from inland Kitchener, on the Great Lakes of Ontario and Huron. Ostensibly it is for the purpose of having a lot of water nearby and for use, but really it’s a matter of if Ontario goes down, we’re taking our neighbouring US states with us.

The contaminant in the effluent must be chemical. And indeed, I’ve heard of chemical pollutants affecting sex before. Apparently pollutants like PCBs and DDT can skew the ratio of males to females toward the female side. I’d say let’s pollute enough that there are 2 girls for every boy or maybe even a full harem for every guy, but enough of this pollution might stop our ability to propagate the species.

So the pollution that has caused the change is likely chemical. Indeed it could even be directly from female hormones being flushed down the toilet, without even resorting to PCBs and DDT.

And I’m quite sure that the transgendered community has heard the insults of some of their neighbours crying “Unnatural”. Look at that article again. The normal male fish have eggs. Natural female hormones might have turned them more female. Maybe more exposure will turn them all the way to female. Nature is strange. Is it surprising that the creatures of nature are strange?

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Free Fall Vomit

Posted on 3 October 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Space sickness is said to effect 45% of all astronauts in zero gravity. Symptoms can last 3 days and included with the nausea, vomiting can result. Indeed the zero gravity simulation of making a plane fly in parabolas, mimicking weightlessness is called the Vomit Comet.

Which got me to wondering. Is skydiving, before you open your chute, free fall? I believe it is and a zero gravity environment should be much the same. So shouldn’t some skydivers vomit before their chute is deployed, due to space sickness?

I was ready to pronounce this to be so, so I checked the Internet and found this question and its answer at the link. Apparently because the speed of the airplane is 90 mph in a forwards direction, terminal velocity is only 30 mph faster. Apparently you don’t get sick because of this.

A helicopter hovering above the ground is supposed to be a whole new kettle of fish, according to this article. Before reaching terminal velocity it should be like a roller coaster or free falling. There is thus a greater chance for vomit.

So why do I care about this so much? Well I’ve daydreamed about falling off a large building or bridge before and thought your last few seconds might be cool. If you forget about your bad predicament you can maybe set a pen spinning (like Howard did in The Big Bang Theory season opener) and floating next to you for a few seconds. You’re dead but the world might give you this last hurrah.

But now I find out that you might be nauseated and vomit and thus pollute your final living environment on Earth. I guess in all the years of scraping bodies off of sidewalks, no one noticed that vomit was mixed in with the rest of the mess. Things like urine and feces would probably be released along with all the blood and flattening body parts.

So now, when I think about romantic or interesting ways to die, I’ll think more of drinking antifreeze (it’s supposed to taste good) and lethal injections (hey it’s a drug and might rock your world for a bit). Bye bye falling from a great height.

Finally the skydiver who plans to break the speed of sound early next week, might triumphantly plummet to the ground in a controlled way. However if he vomits in his helmet, it might seem more like a test of character than a triumph.

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Country, You Rock

Posted on 29 September 2012 by Larry Russwurm

I’ve heard a country music song use the word rock in its lyrics before. Not as the stone, not as the motion but as the compliment, like in the phrase, “You rock!”

I’m fairly certain the compliment definition of rock came directly from the music form. Because, as well, the phrase “rock and roll” has positive connotations in English.

So when I saw this recent Dwight Yoakam song entitled “Rock It All Away”, I had to see if the word “rock” was meant as the compliment. I can’t help it, I find it humourous when country up sells rock because these two music forms are usually in competition with each other.

Now I still haven’t played the song enough to uncover the lyrics and their intent. But there is a literal reason the word “rock” in the title is funny. As someone in the comments section of Youtube was so kind to point out, this song sounds very much like the rock song “Crimson and Clover” by Tommy James and the Shondells or even the ’80s cover by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.

Now my brother Lance used to regularly perform as a country artist and he had some insight into its relationship with rock music. I remember in the eighties he mentioned that he thought the styles in country music were 15 years behind the styles in rock music.

That simple relationship might not hold anymore. This Yoakam song is out well over 15 years after the ’69 release of Crimson and Clover or even the ’83 cover. However, the problem might simply be that Dwight Yoakam has had a decades long career in country music. His first recordings came out in the mid ’80s which is roughly 15 years after Crimson and Clover did.

So anyways, country music, you rock! That is 15 years after rock rocks.

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Mullets and the Amish

Posted on 26 September 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Largely the humour of this post is derived from this serious account of events in Amish parts of Ohio.

A group of Amish followers of Samuel Mullet Sr. attacked and cut off the beards of 6 other Amish men and the hair of two Amish women. The Amish believe they show their religiousness by growing their beards long in the men and the hair long in the women.

The Amish generally shun technology so it was with some surprise that I read that electric shavers were used in the attacks.

The Amish also shun violence as a means of behaviour so the violence of the attacks also surprises.

And it was really surprising that Mullet and followers were convicted with a hate crime as you hardly think that two antagonists of the same religion would be so devout in their hatred that that charge would be levelled. I think the law had partially drawn up the hate crime laws to prosecute anti Amish people since, as listed before, the Amish shun violence and have been known to abandon homes in the pursuit of a more peaceful area.

Still, the suggested 210 months in jail (17.5 years) suggested by the hate crime laws seem excessive when no one was seriously injured.

But you don’t want hate crime legislation to be toothless. So allow me to suggest a compromise.

Since the Mullet Amish have changed in large ways from their Amish brethren, lets make them shave their beards. And so everyone can identify them from the run of the mill Amish, I suggest that they must all wear mullets. To show their religiousness, they can grow the back of the mullet as long as they need.

Remember how back in the mullet days (before mullets had a name), the wearer might say, “I’m business in the front and party in the back”?

Well then these Mullet followers can say, “I’m business in the front and religion in the back.”

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Show Swaps

Posted on 22 September 2012 by Larry Russwurm

In our sort of tolerant society-kind of, we are met with an odd situation. Eric Stonestreet plays a gay character on Modern Family. He is not gay. Neil Patrick Harris plays Barney Stinson on How I Met Your Mother, a heterosexual womanizer. Neil Patrick Harris is not straight.

Now trades are quite common in the world of sports. So much so that the Franchise Player is an oddity and a rarity. Indeed, almost every professional team sports player winds up on multiple teams. Maybe Hollywood, especially TV shows could learn something from this example.

That’s right, I’m suggesting a swap of these two talents. Eric Stonestreet and Neil Patrick Harris are only 2 years apart in age and might be glad to be able to play a character of their own sexual orientation.

I agree there are some dissimilarities between the shows. How I Met Your Mother is close to the end of its run. And Modern Family only has 2 years under its belt. And of course Stonestreet is heavyset and Harris is thin. Perhaps the writers can make it not a straight substitution. Maybe they could play new characters that simply fill the vacuum the old character left.

For instance Stonestreet’s departure would leave Jesse Tyler Ferguson’s character newly single. Neil Patrick Harris could step into that roll. Maybe Stonestreet would want to follow the tragically dead Barney Stinson’s Bro Code. Stinson may have mapped such a book of rules before his death and in an effort to have as much success with women, Stonestreet wishes to pursue these teachings (and women).

A warning to our sort of tolerant society, more kissing will probably result for both characters. Because now the writers wouldn’t feel any guilt when making these openly gay and openly straight characters act out their orientations.

Maybe a trade seems too unreal for many people. But just look what 2 ½ Men did last year. They sacked their star player (Charlie Sheen) who was openly cutting up his owner (well producer – Chuck Lorre). Then they brought in the star player from the now defunct That 70’s Show. And Charlie Sheen had to wait a year but got to start on the expansion Anger Management show.

Let’s make the trading begin. After all many shows and sports have had trading cards. Fantasy Networks and Leagues might work. For instance, some feminist supporter could swap the four science guys in the Big Bang Theory for the cast of Hot in Cleveland. Winners of the fantasy league might be chosen for having the most interesting imagination.

For far too long actors have enjoyed the wealth of sports heroes along with being able to live their career in the same show surrounded by the same players. Let’s spread some of the joy of trades to Hollywood.

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There Must be a Stash in the Big Bang Theory

Posted on 19 September 2012 by Larry Russwurm

I feel a kind of ownership over the Big Bang Theory. After all the show features 3 physicists and an engineer. I have 2 ½ years of university level physics to my name. I’ve even been asked about it. But the best insight I offered was the core group is into all the nerd things. Nerd things are known for being incredibly time intensive. Like learning Klingon for instance. I don’t think the central 4 would have enough free time with their intense occupations to add all the nerd hobbies.

That’s all I had to offer. Secretly I wished I could say something as simple as the Friends cutup. Which was “no way could they afford such large apartments in New York with their salaries”.

But thinking of the Friends cutup I thought of apartments. How is Penny, the waitress, able to afford her own apartment while two physicists, Sheldon and Leonard are sharing an apartment in the exact same building? Physicists usually earn more than waitresses. Certainly more than a waitress at “the Cheesecake Factory”.

The scientists in the show must be socking all the money away. The question is then “where?”

The sensible thing would be putting it away in investments. Like for a rainy day. Or for a marriage. Or for retirements.

The core group in the show may be logical but are not truly sensible. So where is the money going?

Well it was even shown in an episode that Sheldon had a safety deposit box with gasp comic books inside.

My theory is that the central four hang out at the comic book shop all the time looking for deals and to invest in risky comic book futures. That way they get to have something they love and might also be able to retire on.

So who’s the richest? Well Leonard has to pay for a car and half a rent. Sheldon’s richer because he just pays half a rent. Howard fares about the same because he pays no rent but has to get around on his own. And Raj? His family’s supposed to be rich so he might not even need anything for retirement. Sure he might have to pay full rent and for a car, but a lot of the extra money is pure mad money.

Regardless, if you are invited to see any of the foursome’s comic book collection I suggest you go. There might be rarities. I bet Sheldon has the Flash issue number one.

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New Beleafs

Posted on 15 September 2012 by Larry Russwurm

I live in the most populous area of hockey mad Canada. The Toronto Maple Leafs are the only hockey team for the entire area which as well as Toronto includes Hamilton, Mississauga and Waterloo Region. Recently ESPN named the Toronto Maple Leafs the worst franchise in North American pro sports.

I think the Toronto Maple Leaf organization just has no incentive to ice a great team. Mediocre performances by their players are enough to fill the ACC on most days. Why build a Stanley Cup winner? The Toronto Maple Leafs always turn a profit. So Toronto has the longest drought in the NHL. They haven’t won a cup since 1967.

I used to take that personally. They haven’t won since I was born. And then I got to more superstitious thinking. What if I or someone like me who was born months after the Leafs last won, what if mine or their very existence is jinxing the Leafs. Perhaps someone is unwittingly the Antileaf.

It could be anyone born since May 1967 after the Leafs won the cup or before April 1968 when the Leafs failed to make the playoffs. Any possible Antileaf, such as myself intends to live a full very long life and thus risks making the Leafs lose for more decades.

And since expansion started there are now 30 teams where there were once only 6. So if each team was nice and overly fair the Leafs should have won by now. But teams don’t share nicely. In fact teams like Montreal, Detroit, New York Islanders and the Edmonton Oilers have won multiple times since the Leafs last won. The Leafs could easily lose for the full lifetime of a person, say 80 years.

So what to do about the Antileaf? Well no one knows who this person is so the overly zealous Leaf fans might try to kill everybody in my year. It could be a Yearicide or a Sports Holocaust.

Then with too much blood on the hands of Leafs fans, they might happily look forward to this season. Only to find out that the NHL might be locked out. They might find out too late that wanton killing is never justified. No matter how superstitious you are.

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Possessions

Posted on 12 September 2012 by Larry Russwurm

The language of love leaves a lot to be desired. Think of it. “Be mine” is probably the most used Valentine and candy heart slogan. “I’m Yours” was a recent big hit by Jason Mraz. We’ll even say “who belongs to your heart?” and other morally challenged things. When we all know you can’t own anyone. And no one can own you.

We enter into voluntary agreements. Contracts that are mutually negotiated. So, even though it may appear that someone owns someone, no one is actually owned. There are idiots who try, though. They get a hit man instead of a divorce. One very high stakes game that will end in jail for the one and death for the other.

And this idea of ownership can be carried on into other relationships. Some parents see themselves as owners of their children.

It was reported yesterday in the Waterloo Region Record that a Hamilton-Wentworth dad, Steve Tourloukis wanted to be warned if any school lessons conflicted with his views. His quote on the matter? “My children are my own. I own them.”

Pardon me but weren’t many laws passed banning slavery? That’s what ownership means. In this and other democratic countries. Didn’t some people go to war to rid themselves of the scourge of slavery? I fear for the safety and wellbeing of this Tourloukis’s children.

I didn’t realize that we were allowed to suggest things that were immoral and illegal. Since we can, I nominate Steve Tourloukis for sterilization. That way we can make sure that he doesn’t own anymore of his children.

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The Earning Dead

Posted on 8 September 2012 by Larry Russwurm

Copyright monopolies vary widely from place to place on this Earth. But the vast majority of countries offer these monopolies and I would say that the United States system of life of the artist plus 70 years (it’s actually more complex than this) is close to the median.

Having earning power beyond your death gets me to ask, now that the dead can make a living, certainly there are other things they can do, up to 70 years from their death?

Shouldn’t the dead be allowed to vote? Let’s just talk to the earning dead a little bit before their death. Maybe they can make something up, like a will. Perhaps they wish to vote for the same party in perpetuity. Perpetuity would mean up to 70 years after death. Or maybe some piece of legislation is key to how they are? Say any monetary improvements to medicaire will cause the earning dead to switch parties they vote for.

The conservative parties of the world are frothing and hyperventilating at that thought. Keeping things the same for long periods of time is after all, almost the definition of conservative. If you were waiting for enough old people to die to legalize marijuana or same sex marriage, this approach might very well dash your hopes.

An equal rights movement could be started by the earning dead, saying that having children has for far too long been the domain of the living. The living dead have DNA too, and can’t it be used to make clones of themselves? Hopefully their copyright monopoly lasts long enough to get the clone to adulthood.

The earning dead could revolutionize marriage. Instead of “till death do us part” the copyright holder could vow with their love: “till death do us part plus 70 years”. Isn’t that so much more romantic? Expect this to be seized upon by the 80 year old billionaire marrying a 30 year old. Even if the 80 year old only lives a few months they could guarantee the 30 year old does not wed again for 70 more years. And, on a very rare occasion, the 30 year old could die next week and the 80 year old billionaire could find massive life extending programs. 150 years old sounds a bit old to get back into the dating game. But that might be how long the billionaire would have to wait.

I think that the earning dead should be pointed out. How about the illustration below which shows the earning dead managing to claw back (at least partially) into the land of the living. I believe that this “sculpture” should be added to the earning dead, wherever they lie. As an endpoint for us to aspire to rather than the normal, lazy dead where most of us are probably headed.

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The BOGO Slide

Posted on 5 September 2012 by Larry Russwurm

I first heard of “BOGO” sales on the American television we Canadians get piped in (the majority of Canucks live near the border). The first time I heard an explanation about what the mysterious acronym meant was much later on in the commercial. “Buy one get one half off”, said the announcer. I was offended because I prefer linear acronyms. I felt this one should be BOGOHO.

But they never said that BOGO was an acronym. And I think this is the loophole they were trying to set. BOGO, to them, could simply mean “buy one get one half off” in a straight up way. It was my mind that was trying to force the linear thing.

Fine. I don’t even live in the States. It’s not like I could even shop at that store.

But BOGO eventually crossed the border. Recently a store in my local mall advertised a BOGO sale. It meant “buy one get one half off” of course. This assault on my language had invaded my own mall. Truth in advertising anyone? I don’t know of any challenge to any of these overblown sales.

The slide continued this week when I got coupon sheets from McDonald’s and Harvey’s (a Canadian burger chain). Both chains hide behind the lowly asterisk.

The McDonald’s one says “Buy one , get one Free*” in huge letters. The asterisk leads us to much smaller writing: “Buy any McMuffin, Buttermilk Biscuit, Breakfast Bagel or McGriddles breakfast sandwich with the purchase of one (1) Hashbrowns and get a second same breakfast sandwich FREE!”

The Harvey’s coupon also says, “Buy one, get one free*” in huge type. The small writing after the asterisk says: “Buy a burger and a 20 oz. soft drink (or burger combo) and receive a FREE burger of equal or lesser value.”

The underhandedness has spread. What if you were an elderly person who couldn’t read the small print? What if you were lazy and didn’t follow the asterisk. Shouldn’t laws be in place to say that an asterisk can’t have a statement contradictory to the original one? I think advertisers have crossed the line in these cases. They can’t even hide behind technicalities. The original statement is simply not true. Advertising is simply out of hand at this point.

As long as we allow BOGO to stand uncontested as a “Buy one get one half off sale” these other advertisers will say it’s just as misleading.

I can see the defence. The BOGO people will say they are just protecting the public by keeping a lid on the HO syllable. I will defend the syllable, saying we are all hos for BOGO sales (or BOGOHOs). And some of us are even hos for BOGOHO sales (or BOGOHOHOs). And some of us are even hos for Hoho (an American snack made by Hostess) BOGO sales (or BOGOHOHOHOs).

And if a saint of an elf named Santa Claus can say “Ho! Ho! Ho!” all the time, the rest of us can too. Down with BOGO and other attempts to cheat the public.

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