Giant Flying Space Phalluses

Posted on 18 December 2021 by Larry Russwurm

Jeff Bezos was so excited last year when he was brought the final designs for his New Shepard rocket. But one of his employees was disgruntled enough to say what everyone else was thinking.

“So there’ll be giant flying space phalluses next year,” he said.

“Oh!” said Bezos clearly shocked. “And I’ll be in a position to see them. Everything is coming together for next year.”

“Uh, sure.”

So Bezos made sure the life support system had great windows so as to see the giant flying space phalluses as easily as possible.

Earlier this year he was excited to go up in the New Shepard rocket but depressed while up there because he didn’t see any giant flying space phalluses. He didn’t want to be a downer for the press that would eventually interview him about his flight. So he expressed his feelings to his brother, Mark.

Mark said, “Maybe the giant flying space phallus is right here,” and he tapped his brother on the temple.

“Oh!” said Jeff Bezos. “So the giant flying space phallus has been right here all along. All I have to do is uncover it.”

“Something like that,” said Mark.

“Well, since it’s been in my brain, I’ll need to get it out with LSD or something. Mark! Do you know where to get LSD?”

“Hush up and enjoy the free fall. We’ve only got a minute left!”

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The Thunder Bug

Posted on 11 December 2021 by Larry Russwurm

Lightning bugs are sometimes followed by the much slower thunder bugs. Indeed thunder bugs are so loud, they often scare away the faster lightning bugs.

If they follow lightning bugs, why haven’t you heard them before when you have seen lightning bugs? Well quite simply they are predators that eat lightning bugs and they are rather poor at it. Lightning bugs move faster, thunder bugs alert lightning bugs to their presence with their loud noise, and the noises tell lightning bugs where exactly to go that doesn’t have the noise.

As predators, thunder bugs suck. So they are not very numerous. Some stay alive by feasting on those unlucky bugs that get between thunder bugs and lightning bugs.

The young stay alive because they haven’t found their voices yet. So those are likely to catch the odd lightning bug.

Once they are old enough to find their voices, though, they are so proud of it that they never shut up when on the hunt.

Occasionally another predator bites into a lightning bug. But the taste of the blood to other predators is gross. Only thunder bugs like the taste. So the thunder bugs can also live off the rest of another creature’s kill.

So next time you see a lightning bug, just maybe you will hear the mighty crash of a thunder bug following much further behind.

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Halloween’s Revenge

Posted on 4 December 2021 by Larry Russwurm

I’m so lightning fast that I thought of a Halloween post in December. While most would think that’s a couple months late, I claim it’s about 10 months early.

But of course I won’t remember 10 months from now so it’s being posted today. Just think of it as revenge for all the times people began gearing up for Christmas in October. November is the proper time for thinking like that. Even then, I think people should remember Remembrance Day first.

I think Halloween is rotting the minds of our youth. How do they ever expect to be a door to door salesperson? On Halloween they just say the three magic words and they get what they want. At the very first house.

If there were three magic words that could make your product very, very salable to the masses, I imagine you could make a fortune informing salesmen all over the world about it. Even with three magic words involved in selling your product, it likely wouldn’t sell at every house. No, trick or treating has nothing to teach our youth about the realities of life.

In fact, trick or treating has something bad to show our children. It leaves us with the idea that blackmailing can pay off quite handsomely. And it seems quite low risk because no one ever reports you because you kept your ask quite minimal – you’re just doing the ask of a hundred different people to make up for it.

As an adult, what could you possibly blackmail a group for? I think you could use almost anything that lowers the property value in an area. For instance you could say that a few blocks were high crime areas. But you had better have proof to back it up. Then you could ask for $100 from every house in that area to not make their property values head south.

But what about that proof? You could say that thousands of unreported felonies were committed in the area. All you have to do is take video at Halloween of all the kids trick or treating. They are committing a felony at every house that they say the magic words to. Then those same kids are being paid off in candy.

Some in the community might want to keep this ongoing grift. In your blackmail letter you can say you will turn a blind eye to it in future years. But for now you want your $100 bill. From 100 houses, that makes $10 000. I think I’ve found the three magic words for adults. Mass production blackmail.

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The Blame Game

Posted on 27 November 2021 by Larry Russwurm

It seems fair to blame young adults for their failures to launch. That is getting a job, being self sufficient and not living at home till they are thirty-five.

First of all in my jurisdiction of Ontario, there is a sub minimum wage for students under the age of 18. So first of all young people aren’t paid the same as others in the economy. I bet this would change if we allowed 16 and 17 year olds to vote.

Unpaid internships are a big thing in the USA. Usually they are only permitted in non profit companies. They are also permitted in for profit companies if it is seen to give more benefit to the intern than the employer. In other words the employer must teach more than they get work done for themselves in the arrangement.

Non profits have more unpaid interns. It is assumed that you subscribe to the principles of the non profit and so don’t mind working for free.

And again, In my jurisdiction of Ontario, to graduate from high school, you need a certain amount of hours of volunteer work. Obviously the movers and shakers in our society have not looked up volunteer in the dictionary. When it’s mandatory, it is not voluntary. So I hereby mandate the intellectual titans who came up with this, to go to the front lines in any war we are in in the future. I will say they volunteered.

Anyhow, we keep enshrining in law how young adults can have their work devalued. Then we accuse them of laziness, lack of success and not meeting the standards of a long ago age where work from young people was valued more.

Then we wonder about young people saying, “Okay Boomer.”

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Rainbow Adventure

Posted on 20 November 2021 by Larry Russwurm

We are told that a rainbow is an optical illusion that depends on your perspective, the position of the sun, and the existence of water droplets in the air. But that doesn’t say if the pot of gold exists.

The pot of gold is said to exist at the end of the rainbow. But the rainbow has two ends. So I would like to explore both ends. That point about it being from your perspective is important. I believe this can be solved by using a drone.

So I hired a couple men from the Drone Barn off Highway 85. They lived relatively near me and could rush over, whenever the sun was up and there was rain and clearing. All I had to do was spy a rainbow and we could get to work on our rainbow adventure.

I had good views at my lovely home in the country. All that was in the way were the odd tree, house and barn. One day I spotted a rainbow after a shower. I notified the two men from the Drone Barn and just as I was setting up my drone, they arrived in their cars with their own drones. I launched mine first. Their drones followed shortly after.

Now the key was to find where the rainbow was at from our perspective. As such, my drone was aimed at the top of the rainbow, aiming to fly right through it. The two hired drones would also be aimed at other parts of the rainbow, lower down on either side of my drone.

Flying right through it would give away where the rainbow actually was. When my drone flew through, it was invisible behind the colours. Where it came back, where it was visible again, was just in front of the rainbow. Using this, we determined where the top of the rainbow was.

The other two drones operated by the two men, determined where the rainbow was from their positions. Calculations could now be done to uncover where the two ends of the rainbow were. Both of the two hired drones would have a head start. My drone chased the one on the left.

Through my drone’s camera I could see the image of the left hired drone descending. I saw nothing, just farmland below it’s descent. My only hope now, was that the pot of gold was being hidden by the hired drone. It must be a small pot of gold in that case.

The hired drone landed. So finally I circled around hoping to see a blocked pot of gold but alas, I couldn’t see anything.

But the man on my left said, “I have something. It’s small and it’s light so it won’t be the pot of gold we were hoping for.”

“I’ve got something, too. It’s light and easy to carry,” said the man on my right.

There was nothing to do but to fly the three drones back to our position. On the way I pestered my hired men for clues. But they were not giving away anything.

All three drones landed in front of us. I just stopped mine from running. The hired men each took something out of the payload of their drones. Each had a box of chocolates that they gave me.

“Your pots of gold!” one of them said.

“You had the chocolates aboard all along!” I accused.

“It all depends on your perspective,” said the other hired man. We all laughed at this. I shared the chocolates with them.

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Minority Marketing

Posted on 13 November 2021 by Larry Russwurm

Now that ads increasingly have minorities in them, marketers are taking advantage of some of the qualities that these minorities bring.

Those ads for teeth whitening products now almost exclusively include those with darker skin. Why do these companies do this? Why simply because the contrast of the white teeth against darker skin tones is greater. The whitening they show looks almost like it’s glowing in the dark.

In ads, back in the old days, they would show exclusively men dining at a burger place. I think it was to show that even men, with men’s appetites could be satisfied by a burger chain’s burger. That’s no longer the case.

Today they are using small women. Why? To play up to the idea of how big that burger looks in that hand. Or how the woman can barely get her mouth around the burger.

I’m thinking they can take this further. Primordial dwarves are rare but they do exist. These are dwarves with the same proportionate features as a more average sized human. If those burgers begin to look absolutely gigantic, they might have switched to primordial dwarves in the ads.

But watch closely. If there are no sounds from the subjects and music drowns out everything and those burgers seem huge, it is more than possible that they are using primordial dwarves. They won’t want primordial dwarves to talk because their voices are also proportionately higher than average sized people. They want to maintain the illusion.

There are other ways marketers can use minorities in ads that get our attention. Imagine using a drag queen in a limo ad. “We can subdue even the most extreme looks” might be said over images of a drag queen in full regalia getting in the limo. She closes the door and bam!: the tinting hides all her extreme colouring to the public.

“Which leads to the most dramatic of entrances,” the voiceover now says as the limo pulls up to the curb and the drag queen exits the vehicle to flashes of paparazzi cameras. The flashes make the scene entering drag queen even brighter than she was before.

Look for more of this capitalizing on minorities as more marketers wake up to the advantages of minorities in their ads.

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Affluenza Treatment

Posted on 6 November 2021 by Larry Russwurm

For this post I am going to use the second definition of affluenza listed at the link, because it is the one the public is more familiar with due to the trial of Ethan Couch in 2013. So affluenza is: “The inability of an individual to understand the consequences of their actions because of their social status or economic privilege.”

Basically affluenza is largely a matter of the sufferer being allowed by society to do whatever they want with little consequence. For such a sufferer I believe I have a treatment. That is I would set up an office such that a sufferer wouldn’t get their way during their treatment session.

Then after an intensive year or more of treatment, the sufferer’s internal voice might finally realize how things might be for other people. As well, the sufferer might be able to empathize with others for the very first time.

A treatment session might begin like so:

“Hello, Devon, I’m Mr. Sparlo, your affluenza specialist. Please hand all your phones over to Morris here in the Guy Fawkes mask.”

“No,” says Devon. “I don’t trust him if he won’t show his face.”

“Alright then, Gunner you can reveal yourself.”

A body builder steps in from an adjoining room. “I will make you give up the phone.”

“$300 says you won’t.”

“I am a medical professional. I don’t want your enabler dollars. Where is your phone?”

Reluctantly Devon says “Here,” and hands over the phone to Morris.

“Morris is a professional, too. He’s a hacker,” says Mr. Sparlo.

“You can’t give a hacker my phone. That’s un-, un-, unethical. He could mess up my whole life.”

“We need to see how deep this dumpster fire goes,” says Mr. Sparlo. “If Mr. Morris leaves us and takes to blackmailing you, we know it goes very deep.”

At this point, Morris has left for an adjoining room. The door closes and you can hear more than one lock being closed.

“But-,” Devon starts.

“Devon you can go in our largest room,” Mr. Sparlo offers. “Sit in the chair in the middle of the room. I’ll sit behind my desk and Gunner can watch the door.”

“That’s how we will spend our session?”

“If all goes to plan.”

Devon and Mr. Sparlo sit. Gunner stands by the doorway. Gunner and Mr. Sparlo get out their own phones and and begin using them intently.

“Are you looking up my case?” Devon asks.

“Shhh!” says Mr. Sparlo without moving his eyes from his phone. He then presses the phone a few more times.

After a few seconds more of nothing, Devon asks, “May I have a phone? This is boring.”

Sparlo’s “Shhh!” is quick and the treatment pair then go back to their phones.

“Then I’m leaving if you won’t do your jobs.” Devon gets up but Gunner sits Devon right back down again.

“We’re doing our jobs,” says Mr. Sparlo. “Have you ever heard of a time out?”

Devon’s face reddens. “That didn’t work as a child and will not work now! I demand you let me go.”

“Alright,” Mr. Sparlo puts down his phone and asks, “What did you hope for from this therapy?”

“I just hoped it would keep me out of jail.”

“Aha! You do have some currency.” Mr. Sparlo dials someone on his phone. “Warden Simms? Do you have the space for someone overnight? You do? Good. I’ll send him right over.”

Gunner takes out a pair of handcuffs and makes Devon put them on.

“Don’t worry,” says Mr. Sparlo as they are leaving. “We’ll make sure we have you out of there just in time for tomorrow’s appointment.”

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Ironic Titles?

Posted on 30 October 2021 by Larry Russwurm

Two stalwart rock bands, Coldplay and Imagine Dragons came out with albums recently. Both albums implied there was more to come in this vein.

The title of the Imagine Dragons album is Mercury Act I. Act I usually implies that there is more to come. The one act plays I’ve heard of don’t say they are one act plays. People only list act number one when there are more acts. So Imagine Dragons is saying there is more to come with such a title.

Coldplay’s album is entitled Music of the Spheres. But on the back of the cover it says, Vol. 1, From Earth With Love. Again implying that there will be more in the “series”.

It’s just that I doubt either act will follow up with more music in the same vein. The only times I knew bands carried over a series from one album to the next, was Green Day’s Uno!, Dos!, Tre! and Led Zeppelin’s I, II, III, and IV.

Green Day is a three piece with one of their members named Tre. That’s the only link I see in these three albums. I think they had a lot of music and just wanted an easy naming convention for all that music. These albums came out about a month or two apart.

With Led Zeppelin I think the idea that they are a four piece is accidental to the names of these four albums. And in fact, I believe these albums were all turned in by Led Zeppelin with no name. Thus the record label named them I, II, III, and IV. They had to call them something.

I am betting that both Imagine Dragons and Coldplay ironically named these albums as a continuing series. Ironic this, and ironic that is very much in the culture of today. This allows, for instance, one to wear the t-shirt of any act you like. Then if questioned by someone in an embarrassing way, you can say you are wearing it ironically.

I don’t think Mercury Act I is getting an Act II partially because of popularity. This may be a better album than Imagine Dragons usually puts out because virtually all the tracks are listenable. But to the public, there are no breakaway hits, like Imagine Dragons are usually known for. Follow You and Wrecked are the closest the band comes to that on this album. But this time they aren’t creating a large following willing to sample the rest of this album.

Music of the Spheres (they’re talking planets so really it should be Music of the Oblate Spheroids) is a bit of concept album with My Universe being a sort of climax to the package with BTS drawing more ears to the song. My Universe actually has done well enough that Coldplay might consider making a “Vol. II”. But the basic concept that this album espouses is sending out music to the universe to encourage love. Getting a response back from an awfully big universe might be years at best, eons if you are more pessimistic. So I think there will be no follow up from this band, too.

Welcome to the age of the ironic album title!

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Big Net

Posted on 23 October 2021 by Larry Russwurm

One of the most useless things in sport is the basketball net. But Big Net has convinced us that we need this little extra in the game of basketball. Never mind that the game can be played exactly the same way and result in exactly the same score without those nets.

I looked on the site of one of the Big Net producers and in all their copy, only two reasons were brought up for having a net. The big one seemed to be the swish sound that an accurately thrown basketball made when a basket was completed. This was mentioned a few times.

Mentioned only once in all that copy was the 2nd reason people might like to have a basketball net. That is the ball is more likely to come down through the rim in an almost straight down fashion. Never once mentioning that with most baskets, the ball comes down relatively straight, too. The net makes a difference but it is only slight.

Then there is a whole basketball team named after this useless decoration in basketball – the Brooklyn Nets. Maybe they took the name thinking that it would remind people of the swish of a successfully finished basket by the team. But if this were true, why not call the team the Swishes? Likely they were named the Nets to rhyme with the New York Mets and the New York Jets.

But wait. Maybe they were named the Nets because of the similarity of the players with those same actual nets. When a Brooklyn Nets player is stuffed, don’t they make the sound “BRAAAP!” And just like the fans hearing the swish, the cook for the Brooklyn Nets player is happy to hear this sound of appreciation.

Furthermore, when a Brooklyn Nets player is stuffed and has to let something out, it is always done straight down over a toilet. That, too, is very similar to an actual basketball net’s action.

In fact you could call each Brooklyn Nets player a Big Net. After all, professional basketball players are always big. But this just ends up confusing the situation when I am railing against Big Net.

Let’s just finish by saying that the Brooklyn Nets have never won the playoffs, thus making them as useless as their namesake in the game of basketball.

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Greater NYC Wants a Fourth NHL Team – The Reason Why May Surprise You

Posted on 16 October 2021 by Larry Russwurm

New York already has the New York Islanders, the New York Rangers and the New Jersey Devils in greater New York City. But there have been stirrings about a possible 4th team to make things even more interesting for a New Yorker.

The reason why should be obvious to most New Yorkers and big sports fans. Looking at other sports, they already have the Mets, Jets, and Nets. Surely a hockey team can be found that has a rhyming name with these sports teams.

The Islanders, Rangers and Devils all have multiple Stanley cups to their names so of course none of these teams want to look out for the greater New York good by changing their names to something that rhymes. So the international consortium looking at this has decided that a new team would be beneficial for New York.

Now the NHL has just added a 32nd team to the roster and does not want to change this just yet, because this evenly splits the NHL into 4 divisions of 8 teams. And now, half the teams make the playoffs whereas half don’t . So I am afraid to say it might be many years before an expansion team is available.

So I think it is just a matter of time. They’ll wait for some team to struggle so much that it fails. Then, like New Jersey before it, the consortium will swoop in and save the team, only if it moves to New York.

But what rhyming name will it choose? Aren’t all the good ones taken?

Well that international consortium is rumoured to be a sports betting conglomerate. As such, the new team will likely be named the New York Bets.

The division all the New York teams are in is called the Metropolitan Division. Metropolitan what? I’d say Metropolitan New York. So it would only make sense that half the teams would be in Greater New York City. And that is a secondary reason that New York is going to get their fourth NHL franchise some time in the near future.

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