The Real Competition for The Weather Network

Posted on 9 April 2022 by Larry Russwurm

I’ve taken a lot of math courses over the years, and still I wonder why The Weather Network will not give a 50% chance of precipitation. All the other 10s are there. 0%, 10 %, 20%, 30%, 40%, 60%, 70%, 80%, 90% and 100%. Just not 50%.

You could guess that The Weather Network uses 40% when the chance is slightly less than 50% and 60% when the odds are greater than 50%. Maybe they’re trying to help us make a decision. But if that’s the case, you can still use that 10% accuracy thing and say the odds are 50 + % or 50 – % to let us know which reality is more likely. But no. They treat us like little babies and don’t ever use 50%.

I’ll tell you the real reason. They don’t want us to realize that their real competitor is a coin flip. As such they never let us see a 50% chance of anything. Knowing full well that we will drop our visits to their site or station and use a coin to decide the matter with as much accuracy as they are giving.

So, from now on, once I hear that there is a 40% or 60% chance of precipitation from the weather network, I will use my coin to decide the matter. It will be a carefully selected coin, one side of which will be the Queen since I am Canadian. I will gouge an X across her face since I am mildly against the royal family, and use that to mark the bad outcomes. You know, if you’re going to an outdoor wedding and thus you need sun, the X side denotes the outcome of rain. Or if your enemy is planning a round of golf, the X can denote the outcome of sun.

Many of you may think from the above that I am totally against the royal family. But I assure you that I am not. Those who really think the royal family are vile and evil and live and any other anagram of evil, will leave the royal side of our currency alone. After all the face of the Queen is enough to denote evil and thus bad outcomes all by itself. There’s no need for an X.

Some of you may notice once I start using my coin and the coin flip, that I sometimes do terrible things. Then, just to be contrary, at other times I start doing praiseworthy things. I will have Two-faced myself and I’m afraid you’ll have to call in Batman.

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Slapped Into Last Week

Posted on 2 April 2022 by Larry Russwurm

You’ve all seen the slap by now, the one Chris Rock didn’t think was coming or else he would have ducked. But what you didn’t see was what happened to Chris.

The slap was so hard it knocked Chris into last week. At first he just noticed that he was home suddenly in daylight. He wondered how this could be. So he wandered around his house till he saw a newspaper that should have been in the recycling. It said March 20 instead of March 27. Realizing what might have happened, Chris checked his phone again. It said the 27th. He went to the living room and found the time on the television said March 20th.

If he had really been sent back to the past, he wondered where his week old self was. He couldn’t remember exactly where he was a week ago but he knew he would have been home. He checked all the rooms of his house. He even checked the front and back yards. Nothing. It was then he developed his time travel exclusion principle. There could only be one of you at one time. If you go back you are erasing that self.

But what to do about the slap? If he didn’t get slapped, might that not erase his present self? He didn’t know. But if he did get slapped, wouldn’t that lock him in a time loop? One that he might never get out of again?

Maybe this was the universe’s way of telling him to change the joke. If he did, it might save him from being trapped in the time loop.

The week went by and time found him again on that Oscar stage. This time he would leave Jada and her hair alone. Instead Chris said. “There they are, right at the front. The Smith brood. And might I say what a brooding lot they are.”

This seemed innocuous enough but Will Smith got up and slapped Chris again.

There was a discontinuity as Chris found himself in his house, again in daylight. This time the television said it was March 23rd. The universe was saying he was on the right track but his joke just wasn’t there yet. He had tried changing the joke from bothering Jada to the brood. Now, he thought, the target ought to be Will Smith himself.

The 27th came around again and Chris found himself on that same stage again. So he turned to Will Smith and said, “You used to be the fresh prince. But now you’re such a stale prince that you tried to go by the name King Richard this year.”

Will Smith came up to the stage and slapped Chris.

Again there was discontinuity and Chris found himself in daylight at home. This time the television told him that it was the 26th. So close, but Chris felt he needed to know more.

He got a security camera with software to lip read what was said and got permission to set it up at the Dolby Theater. He said nothing about the lip reading capabilities.

It was burned in his brain where Will and Jada were going to sit and the next night he listened to what Will and Jada were saying as they got to their seats.

“Front row!” said an excited Will while settling in. “You know, we can get up and slap any comedian making fun of us.”

“If it’s one of the three hosts or another comedienne, let me do it.” said Jada.

“Alright. I’ll take on any guys who dare.”

There it was. Chris had thought there might be a way around the universe’s attempts to edit him in regards to the Smith brood. But he had never imagined a premeditated slap.

Since he couldn’t say a joke about the Smith brood, Chris faked a cough and told the producer he couldn’t go on.

“Yeah,” she said, “these changes in temperature really affect your health. It’s been unseasonably warm all week but now it’s back down to normal.”

Chris wondered if he should have taken a jacket but as he stepped outside to his waiting limo he shivered while it was snowing. He should have taken a winter coat. At least that’s what his limo driver said.

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Spring Grab Bag o’ Humour

Posted on 26 March 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Of all the genres, you would think that historical fiction would be the most respectful of traditions. Well there is a long established tradition in which the setting of a story is brought up, right at the outset. But I don’t see historical fiction using it much. Writers of historical fiction ought to start their tales with “Once upon a time”.

*

Women’s pant waists seem to be getting higher all the time. This is just fashion and I’ll just have to deal with it. However, it seems to me that waists can’t get any higher without the pants themselves becoming overalls. And even from here, the style can continue to expand. Soon women will be decked out in onesies and will have all sorts of problems when it comes to going to the bathroom easily. Yes, fashion can go a step too far and this is it.

*

I’ve heard of companies wanting to deduct the salary of employees, if they want to continue to work from home. The company at this point can save a bit on rent and lighting and heating and still they want to save more off the backs of its employees. Well if this is your company, there is now no doubt that it is an evil corporation. It wants to profit twice off the same thing.

Feel free to give the company a bill for rental of your workspace at home. Make sure it matches the amount the company deducts off your check for working at home. If they fire you instead of paying the rent, you’ve probably saved yourself years of aggravation at a company that just doesn’t value its employees.

*

Did you know that trust in the media is at an all time low? I got this from the media and frankly I don’t buy it. Which makes this story true. But I know how they slant things so I don’t buy it, etc.

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Well Trained Caterpillars

Posted on 19 March 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Lately I’ve been aware of what I think of as “actor eyebrows”. These are usually longer brows than most, a bit thicker, but most importantly the owner has such complete control over them that they can bend into strange and bizarre positions.

Some actors I think of as having these eyebrows are James Dean, Mandy Moore, Eugene Levy and Drew Barrymore. For Drew, she is from an actor family and I think that perhaps those eyebrows were passed down in the family from actor to actor. So perhaps the actor eyebrow is genetic.

I, for instance, can’t even be considered to be an actor because I can’t make my eyebrows move the way that these people can. I have three eyebrow expressions. The first is the quizzical raising of my one eyebrow. When I try to raise my other eyebrow, I get a sort of puzzled expression. And lastly I can raise both eyebrows.

I’ve tried moving my eyebrows how these pros do it and I just can’t manage it. I’m thinking that it is likely that there are many others like me. Those who wouldn’t be considered for acting jobs because we don’t have actor eyebrows.

It seems to me these eyebrows are highly prized because they can go into all sorts of positions that normal eyebrows can’t. These “new” positions can be said to emote any emotion that the director is trying to emote. Since humanity can’t universally put their eyebrows in these positions, we can ascribe to these positions any emotions we want. And that is the power of the actor eyebrows.

To be thought of as a great actor, I’m just going to have to wait until they have well trained caterpillars that can attach to my face, over my eyebrows and wiggle into any position that is necessary. Finally with these fake eyebrows I might be considered to be a great actor one day.

Maybe I’ll be able to make my brows go into such strange positions that I could get a job unique to me. Kind of how Elizabeth Montgomery could wiggle her nose on the show Bewitched, and that became the signal that she was using magic.

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Roy G Biv and Other Skooling

Posted on 12 March 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Quick, what are the colours of the rainbow? No hints except maybe the title.

Wrong! Listing the colours of the rainbow is impossible because there are at least millions of gradations in a spectrum which is what a rainbow really is. Neither English nor any other language has enough words to mean all those colours.

Yes, Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo and Violet are in the spectrum and in that order, but they are not the totality of the the spectrum or rainbow. If you know Roy G. Biv, you have committed a mnemonic to memory that you didn’t need to.

I also have to out the rainbow flag. It’s not a rainbow. A rainbow would have those six colours but also a million gradations between them.

Now that I have outed the rainbow flag, it feels great to have that pressure off my chest. Coming out of the closet on this is very freeing.

If you don’t agree with me, you can always say something different. After all no matter how flat you make a pancake, it always has two sides.

Ahem. No matter how flat you make a pancake it always has three sides. One side, the other side, and the outside or rim.

It’s the same with a coin. That’s why a coin toss is never 50/50. It’s 49.9997/49.9997/0.0006, the 0.0006 representing the times the coin lands on its edge. These are not totally accurate numbers just a guesstimate so you can see what I mean.

I hope you feel skooled by my technicalities. Some of you are laughing at my spelling of skooled and saying you got me on that. Yes. Be smug with your technicality. Now you know how I feel.

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Let Sleeping Cats Lie

Posted on 5 March 2022 by Larry Russwurm

My cat, Bast, is overweight. That combined with her age, means she can no longer jump up to the bed. She can however jump up to the futon and curl up there.

I was worried about this last fall as we were getting into the colder seasons. I have all tile floors. She likes lying on them in the summer because they are cool compared to the rest of the place. But in winter that coolness is not desired. The tiles get so cold that I need to wear slippers. For warmth all the poor cat had was the futon and some mats.

I bought her a cheap cat bed years ago and although small, I thought she would use it. After all if any shirt or clothing made it onto the floor she would settle on it. But she never liked the cat bed and never slept on it.

So last fall I bought a bigger cat bed that had cushioning inside it. She didn’t take to it. I picked her up and put her on it but she immediately squirmed and took off. So I lay it there, beside her favourite mat hoping that eventually she would try it.

Later this winter, I caught her sleeping on the mat with her head on the cat bed, like it was a giant pillow. Indeed It is bigger than my pillow. It was cute. I caught her sleeping like that between 5 and 10 times in the last couple weeks.

I think she likes it now but not for its intended purpose. It is now a giant cat pillow. And she has feelings enough for it that just the other day I saw her licking it like it was her baby or best friend (it’s not weird because it is fuzzy like another cat).

So I’ll say this was a semi successful purchase. Obviously she enjoys lying on the mat more. I just now caught her sleeping with it as her pillow so enjoy the photo.

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Reffing a Movie

Posted on 26 February 2022 by Larry Russwurm

A tall man in a suit was trying to get into a the movie theatre ahead of me. He had a coupon and was insisting it had no expiry date on it. Nevertheless, the ticket counter staff wouldn’t accept it. After two minutes of debating he finally gave up and said, “I’m a professional referee. I know what’s fair. Fine I’ll pay. But this won’t be the last of it.”

I hoped this was the last of it for me and paid next in line.

I got some food then went into my showing. Yes the referee was in the same showing. I just didn’t think much of it.

The theatre darkened and we were into the previews. The whole room tried to watch with an open mind. After a few of these began the movie proper.

The main character had a goal that developed near the start. Of course she went straight forward towards the goal. Of course if she got her wish right away there would be no more movie. But there were setbacks.

The first one revealed itself to the audience when suddenly there was a whistle sound. “2 minutes for interference of the main character!” yelled the ref from the back of the darkened room. A few people chuckled. No one was quite sure what to do so nothing was done about the ref.

After a couple more setbacks, the main character started to push harder and harder at the people in her way. The ref had had enough. “TWEET! Two minutes to the main character for elbowing her way through the setbacks!”

More people chuckled this time. A few had looked back and eyed the ref. But he looked to be bigger and more muscular than anyone in the darkened theatre.

Then a fight erupted between the main character and her enemy. The main character barely won because her enemy fought dirty. “TWEET! TWEET! Two minutes to the main character for roughing! 5 minutes to her enemy for fighting!

A man became an ally for the main character after that. In fact the main character and him began to plan things out better so the goal didn’t seem as far away as it had before.

There was a confusing action scene that held the theatre patrons to their seats. Much happened in those few minutes including the main character striving mightily against her cheating enemy. With some of the advice of the ally the main character barely prevails. In the lull came, “TWEET! Too many actors in a scene. We’ll never catch all of that without buying and pausing the film!” There was some chuckling but one loud “Shhhh!”

The ally was finally making his move on the main character. It was an awkward move so the main character almost bailed. Then she was reminded of his value and came right into his personal space and kissed him. “TWEET! Two minutes for holding!” That two minutes the audience watched as other parts were brought to a conclusion

Eventually everyone shuffled out of the theatre. Still no one complained so the referee still hadn’t got his revenge. He looked dejected.

One of the last patrons who was leaving, stuck two fingers in his mouth to whistle. “TWEEEEEE! Too appropriate to get you kicked out!”

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I Got Up Early and All You Give Me Is Worms?

Posted on 19 February 2022 by Larry Russwurm

The problem with the saying “the early bird gets the worm” is that it makes you think that the reward for getting up early is a worm. This is not the type of incentive I need.

I even think of chomping down on a dew worm, and to be quite honest this disincentivizes me more than anything.

And to be quite honest, imagining a dew worm is one of the better things that I can do. The other worms just put me off even more. Meal worms remind me of eating so doubly it grosses me out imagining eating these.

Then there are tomato worms which make my skin crawl even thinking of them. Ring worms and tapeworms are gross parasites. That in fact is my last mention of real worms because I am getting grossed out just typing this.

Granted they came up with gummy worms whom I can imagine without throwing up. But still, I’m not a huge fan of these sugar loaded snacks. It might tempt others to get up early but not me.

Then there are the sugar snacks that remind one of worms. Like shoestring licorice or twizzlers. But what happened to the tastes of everyone? The red twizzlers and shoestring licorice became more popular than black or licorice flavours. I never liked the red. And now the black is harder to find than ever.

So I am still disincentivized to be the early bird. Perhaps some of you can get on board with these worm substitutes.

The thing about worms is they come out at night. So either you can be the early bird or you can be the night owl if you really want these. I believe the night owls get more worms than the early bird. So even if the worm you’re searching for is the hard to find black licorice ones, the night owl has the best chance of getting these. Hurrah for the night owl.

It’s about time that someone celebrated the night owl over the early bird, isn’t it?

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The Long Game

Posted on 12 February 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Canada’s rise in the soccer world, first the gold medal winning women at the Tokyo Olympics and now the men’s team looking like it might qualify for the 2022 world cup of soccer – so far undefeated in the qualifiers, show Canada as a possible soccer hot spot. How exactly have we gotten this far?

North America has long been a soccer wasteland. Which isn’t that surprising when you realize that North America is a hotbed for sports such as basketball, hockey, football and baseball. It’s exhausting being the best in the world in so many sports. Soccer just fell by the wayside.

But why is Canada improving at soccer and America more or less staying the same? And is it here to stay or is soccer just the sport of the moment?

Canada is playing the long game. We have large immigration numbers from the soccer hotbeds. But we’ve had this for years. Why is it only happening now that men’s soccer is getting good? Well right now it is the players. Formerly, good players that immigrated to Canada would have dual citizenship and would play for the better soccer country. Canada overwhelmingly lost these players, event after event. So for the men, we haven’t qualified for the world cup of soccer since 1986.

Now, many of those players have decided to play for Canada, especially since the world cup of soccer 2026 is coming up and Canada has a guaranteed berth as a co host of such an event. For 2022’s world cup of soccer, I think some players just wanted to stake their claim early for 2026. So we have a really good men’s team that might make it onto the world stage.

But won’t Canada just lose these dual citizens after 2026? If we do it would likely be only if team Canada does poorly. Which is still possible.

However with our immigration strategy being what it is, we are also giving homes to trainers and coaches and other people crucial to developing good soccer programs. I think they would like to carry on in their winning ways here in Canada.

So our native players will get better, too, with all the good coaching and training all around them. And with good players resulting in more good players we should have good soccer for quite awhile.

It’s too early to say for sure but Canada may become the top place for soccer in North America in the coming years.

For years we’ve had the avid fandom of all those immigrants. Living in multicultural Toronto for many years, it didn’t matter how obscure the country that won in the world cup of soccer was, they would have supporters driving around honking their horns and waving their flags. The fandom was there and will be there for a long time. To do well at any sport, you need fans. And there are many fans all across the country that would support any Canadian drive to the world cup of soccer.

Immigration can also be used to increase other traits in the world that we might admire but do not have. For instance, I believe Canada is eating less meat per capita because that is a trait of the rest of the world. Just don’t tell the meat council of this. Or else they’ll force all immigrants to be Texans. And we cannot handle all the bullets flying around that Texans may bring.

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The Vilest Thing You Can Say On American Television

Posted on 5 February 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Last week, Jamie Dornan was on the Ellen show. They showed pictures of him, maybe at home in Ireland? He was in shorts and went into the water of the ocean. They said this was around Christmas. So presumably the water was very cold. But they didn’t say how cold. In fact they danced around saying precisely how cold the water was. I thought that was odd.

Then yesterday, Halle Berry was on the Ellen show. She was talking about her kid and how they had just discovered the F word (at least I believe it was the F word – it got bleeped). She had been advised not to punish her child as that would make the child resentful and make them want to say the F word even more. So now her kid says the F word all the time. They try not to react so that the kid will soon stop saying it because of a lack of reaction.

Ellen, ever the comedian, started saying the F word every other word, trying for a reaction. Halle Berry joined in and the reactions of the person putting in the bleeps was tested. Fortunately for the Ellen show, it is not a live show. Every F word got bleeped and they were not fined by the FCC. Obviously Ellen wants to go out classy in her last season.

Before these two appearances, I thought the vilest thing you could say on American television was the F word. And close behind that would be all the other swear words that the FCC objects to, too. But now I’m not so sure because of the earlier Jamie Dornan interview. I think there is a whole new category of words that the American public thinks is worse than the swear words, so much so that they are never said.

I believe Jamie Dornan wanted to say that the ocean temperature was near zero degrees Celsius. But he was in America, one of the last bastions of the Imperial system of measurements. So he was afraid to use metric units at all and in fact never actually said how cold the water was.

Ellen, knowing how badly metric would go down with the American public, abetted Jamie Dornan in his reserve. Truly, the vilest thing you can say on American television is metric units. Your degrees Celsius, meters, kilometers per hour, liters, Pascals etc. A big thank you to the Ellen show for making this abundantly clear.

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