Grab Bag O’ Humour

Posted on 30 July 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Christians have been calling God, Father, since at least the holy trinity and the Lord’s Prayer. I say, why stop there? Why not liven religion up with other terms meaning father?

Why not call Him, Dad or Daddy-o? Suddenly religion feels less uptight and more interesting. Then the Lord’s prayer begins, “Daddy-o who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name…” . His name would still be hallowed, just differently than before.

How about calling God, Big Daddy? There would be no way he could be confused with another Big Daddy. At their largest, a human Big Daddy might be 1400 pounds. But God is supposed to be everywhere, and be in everything. The mass of everything in just your house or apartment is probably much greater than 1400 pounds. Don’t forget to include the mass of your walls and roof as well! God is easily the Biggest Daddy of all! So the term fits very well.

* * *

You might say that you don’t fatten up cattle to eat, that you beef it up instead. While this may be true of most beef where you don’t want too much fat in your meal, it’s not true of wagyu beef.

There is a rumour that Japanese wagyu cows are given beer and massaged daily. This of course is not done in reality to even wagyu beef cows.

All wagyu cows are pampered a bit. Fattening them up properly is an art to behold. It takes them 3 years to reach 700 kg, something other cows do in half the time. The purpose of the pampering is to get perfectly fat marbled beef. It’s supposed to melt in your mouth when you eat this beef.

I would like to tell you from personal experience how it tastes, but I have never had the extra money needed to partake of this beef. And, for the last few years I haven’t eaten beef at all. So it looks like I’ll never know what this luxury tastes like.

* * *

Doesn’t “He’s got a screw loose!” sound sexual when you say it out loud? If you still don’t hear it, replace “got a” with “gotta”. Yes it’s very sexual.

If you say it to some huffy person, they might respond with, “I’ve gotta screw loose? I’ve gotta screw loose? No! You’ve gotta screw loose!”

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The Luck of the Irish – No Thanks!

Posted on 23 July 2022 by Larry Russwurm

The nineteenth century in Ireland was dominated by poor government and the almost decade long Potato Famine. During the Potato Famine, 1 million people died and 2 million left Ireland for good. If the Irish were a lucky people, they would have used their luck then.

But then came a brand new century, the 20th century. This time found Ireland divided by hate and religious fighting. The country became embroiled in a civil war with Britain on one side and Irish Republicans on the other side. The civil war ended with ¾ of the island making a republic and the rest, still being allied with Britain and called Northern Ireland. The peace came in 1921 after 2 years of fighting.

Many Irish wanted the whole island. So some turned to fighting and terrorism to try to get what they wanted, in the rest of the 20th century.

What new, extremely unlucky horrors will beset the Irish in the 21st century? I don’t know, but they could be horrible, just like the last two centuries. Irregardless, Ireland has been unlucky for a long time.

But could there be a way for the Irish to have good luck? I have to say that not having snakes is a good start.

Maybe, just maybe, the seesaw of Kharma is going to bounce back and give the Irish some really good luck that might last decades or even centuries.

And those displaced Irish left many descendants in the New World. Some would say those Irish are lucky.

Some might be too young to remember but for a while in the eighties, the US and Canada both had leaders that were of Irish descent. President Reagan and Prime Minister Mulroney used to sing Irish songs when they got together.

Maybe Kharma will at last give the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland the good luck they have been trying to manifest these last couple of centuries. Maybe the good luck of the Irish will finally be a thing.

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Alien Encounters

Posted on 16 July 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Suddenly there it was. A blatant flying saucer hovering over Central Park.

People stared, took pictures, and approached the ship for a closer look. About twenty minutes later the mayor and her entourage made their way slowly through the gathered crowd and with bullhorns, got the crowd to step backward, letting the city’s delegation have under the ship and a few yards around the ship. There was some debate over where the front of the ship was. Finally after much hesitation they picked a “front” and the mayor began speaking in the bullhorn.

“Welcome,” the mayor said as magnanimously as possible, “to our humble city on this, the planet Earth!” She paused, then, hoping to hear something back from the flying saucer.

There were some whirring sounds from the ship, then a disembarking stairway unfolded from the ship. The lucky humans had picked the proper front. Then down the stairway came a delegation of three aliens. They were about the size of the mayor, maybe 5 and ½ feet. They had space suits on so obviously they came from a planet with a different atmosphere. Or perhaps the suits were there to stop contamination from earth life.

When they stood in the grass some word was said from the aliens. “Blizzark.” Then they raised their hands with palms forward. With two large fingers and one thumb, they held up their hands in what looked like the Vulcan salute.

The delegation got the idea instantly and very confidently did their own Vulcan salutes. But before they could get out the words ‘live long and prosper’, shots came from the alien ship. The whole of the city’s delegation were shot to death while the three ran back aboard the ship. The surrounding crowd almost trampled to death some of its own in efforts to get away.

The aliens safely got aboard the ship, the stairway folded back up and the flying saucer flew away.

A day later the alien ship appeared over a large park in Los Angeles. This time no crowd gathered. No one wanted to be in any delegation that went to the ship.

After the-day-before’s failure, many people chimed in with what was thought to be wrong with the approach of the delegation. Los Angeles’ mayor’s office went through them all. And decided to give one a chance. Largely they liked him because Sam Joachim was 86 years old so if they threatened him with jail, he might be in there for the rest of his life while the lawyers wrangled.

“Fine,” he said. “I’ll do it if I only have to get you past the part where the New York delegation screwed up. If I make it I will tell you why they screwed up so you can avoid similar mishaps.”

Sam was taken to the park and given a bullhorn to speak with.

He did everything the same. He approached the ‘front’ of the saucer. He used the bullhorn to say, “Welcome to Los Angeles on our planet Earth!”

The alien ship opened up and came down in their delegation of three again. They got to the grass, said “Blizzark,” and did their ‘Vulcan salute’.

Sam answered the ‘Vulcan salute’ with his hand raised, palm up and his fingers and thumbs spread normally.

The back up delegation held their breaths for a full minute. Nothing happened.

“I was right,” said Sam Joachim, turning around.

“The New York delegation thought quite simply that imitation was the sincerest form of flattery. When imitation can be the nastiest form of mockery. That at least, is how the aliens took it. Go on try to talk with them. Just be very careful. And make sure there is no blind mimicry.”

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Birthday Holidays, The Government, and Anti-Birthdays

Posted on 9 July 2022 by Larry Russwurm

It is my belief that everyone should have a holiday on their birthday. Since we all celebrate birthdays, we might as well do it right. And this would be such a primo holiday because everything would be open on your holiday. Unless of course your birthday is Xmas day or some such. In which case you could take the birthday holiday on say Xmas Eve. Or, if your birthday falls on the weekend, you could take either the Friday or Monday off and get a long weekend. Let’s celebrate our birthdays like never before!

Of course there are those who like to get as tanked as possible on their birthdays. Maybe they could still work their birthday and get the following day off for recovery. So maybe people should get the choice of taking their birthday off or the following day. We’re only thinking of what’s best for the business they are in. And perhaps we’ll progress to the stage where we will give a birthday holiday and the following day will be a holiday as well. Wouldn’t that be great? Two birthday holidays!

But do you know who seems to want the opposite of birthday holidays? Why the government of course. I don’t know who soured them so much on birthdays. But governments have given us unpaid work to do for our birthdays, stressed us out as the birthday approaches and even made us pay as our birthday becomes due. Why the government is the Ebeneezer Scrooge and the Grinch of birthdays!

That’s right, the government makes identification cards become due on your birthday. So you have to do the free work of getting new ID. Plus health cards may come due on this day. If you don’t get them renewed you might not be covered in case of bad health. This can majorly stress someone out. The government of course makes you pay for these IDs and things like licence plate stickers might have to be paid for every year as your birthday rolls around.

I can kind of see the government’s reasoning for making these things due on your birthday. Making it due on your birthday makes sure that government secures business for their outlets all throughout the year. This is efficient since they have to staff such businesses all year long. Maybe, just maybe there’s a way to keep this efficiency while also not putting a dent into the annual birthday celebrations.

I suggest having anti-birthdays. This would maximize the time separation from having these government difficulties, I suggest doing them on your anti birthday, six months from when your actual birthday is. If your birthday is October 21st, you’re anti-birthday is April 21st. If your birthday is January 9th, your anti-birthday would be July 9th.

There would be a problem matching the ends of the month. For instance an August 29tth, 30th and 31st would usually have no anti-birthday in February. Since the anti-birthday need not be perfect, just say that the anti-birthday for these people could be any day in March.

When the government starts introducing the concept of anti-birthdays, we can finally say that they aren’t anti-birthday! Then, finally, we might be close to realizing the dream of a birthday holiday.

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Say No To Art In School

Posted on 2 July 2022 by Larry Russwurm

When I grew up we had art in school. You know, that glorious class where often you got your hands dirty and sometimes the “best” artists didn’t have the best marks in the other classes. That class where you could be unique and different and it was still alright.

I remember using crayons and making yellow clouds because there was no white crayon that we could use. The other kids would outline the cloud in blue and then lightly shade it blue. Neither side thought about leaving the cloud part of the white page uncoloured and thus white. Both sides were wrong, but it was okay.

But how does any of this help us to be prepared for the real world? Well it doesn’t directly and that’s the point of curmudgeons like me who want to take art out of school.

But I say, “Why stop there?” Let’s get rid of things like music and literature, too.

Music has been shown to expand the intelligence of people and especially growing children. But that can easily be provided at home. How many households do you know that never play music?

Literature has been used to help learn the language of English and its huge amount of words. Instead, we’ll have to make children learn the language from how to books. This way they can learn the words and also something useful, like how to install a toilet.

And there are a whole set of “disciplines” that are called arts in the university level. Why don’t we rid ourselves of all of them so we can teach more useful things in our schools.

One of these arts is geography. The legend tells us all we need to know about most maps. Once we figure that out, we’ve got most of the whole subject figured out.

Another art is history. It has been said many times that those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it. Well I say look at the United States. Many Americans heard part of their history and deliberately want to go back there. They took history in school and want to repeat it in real life. There is also such a large amount of anti intellectualism in those groups that I think they wouldn’t mind doing it without the benefits of science. Let them have their pseudo sciences as they die of preventable health conditions.

So basically we should just teach the STEM classes in school. That’s Science, Technology, Engineering and Math. With just those courses to focus on, we might lead the world in those fields.

Jus donut xpect us 2 leed in udder feelds.

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Taking a Dive

Posted on 25 June 2022 by Larry Russwurm

With the advent of more sports betting companies than ever, taking a dive in sport seems more likely than maybe it has ever been. For those of you who don’t know, taking a dive is when the better boxer, speed skater, basketball scorer etc. feigns uselessness to let the other side win. This is done so people who bet on the other side, score a winning bet.

So obviously taking a dive is going to become more lucrative and also more hated in the world of sports. So what of all those divers who always take a dive. Will they, too, become more hated?

“Mr. 10m Diver, are you a good athlete?”

“Why yes I am.”

“Then to be fair to the folks at home you should never take a dive!”

“But that’s the whole sport.”

“Nevertheless…”

And is the athlete who takes a dive while taking a dive, performing a double negative and thus doing something positive? Perhaps they should be praised in the sport. Not so, say my friends in the betting industry but I still wonder.

Will taking a dive be so tarnished in all of sports that life guards would only throw life preservers to those in need? They can’t be seen taking a dive into the water and being seen as unsportsmanlike by all those around them.

Of course, if the drowning person can stay alive for a few more seconds, the life guard can clamber down a ladder into the water and swim out to where they would have dived. This of course puts the onus evenly on the drowning person and life guard to both assist in the life saving.

Still, some might say this increased loss of life would be bad. Obviously they are socialists but let’s hear them out.

Taking a dive could still be a bad thing for all dry land sports. But in the swimming world we would say taking a dive is a good thing. Swimming sports would be kept legitimate. Lives would be saved. The world of sports would be a happier place.

This socialist would like it if the people in swimming sports thanked him for saving the integrity of their sports. You’re welcome. Obviously changing the expression “taking a dive” is not an option.

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Betting on Wrestling

Posted on 18 June 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Sports betting has taken off in my part of the world. It seems you can bet on almost any pro sport you want. So far there have been no betting scandals in the professional leagues that I am aware of. In this day of the professional sports player that is a multi millionaire, it is assumed that no one will risk their career just for a one time payout.

Will no games remain unrigged? Maybe some athlete will take a dive, eventually. And there will be scandal and everyone will wonder why we ever allowed sports betting again. But what is a dive if not acting? Which brings us to professional wrestling.

Do not professional wrestlers make enough money that their reputations are beyond reproach? Don’t they make enough to stay on script regardless of what the betting is like? The writers of the professional wrestling matches, though, must be held to account. As such we must demand to find out who writes the wrestling scripts.

Once the writers are found out, they can be given iron clad contracts to sign. You know. They must reveal nothing about any match until that match is over with. Something like the Marvel movie contracts. We must stomp out the improprieties of rigged betting before it begins.

Finally, we the audience might be able to have an effect on how the scripts of pro wrestling go. Pro wrestling is popular enough that you’ll have to have some clout if you will be allowed to bother the writers. Instead we’ll have to schmooze the writers with lobbyists. Each athlete’s fan clubs ought to be able to afford a lobbyist. And if they can’t, that athlete isn’t popular enough and should be sent down to the minors. Wealthy fans could afford their very own lobbyist.

The writers may or may not use what the lobbyists tell them. But just know that the lobbyists have their ear.

Maybe a writer will write a tell all book about this intriguing world with all those lobbyists and the writers and even the stars of pro wrestling. I’d be intrigued to find out just how much the writers script. For instance, do they script the love lives of the wrestlers? Well at least the parts that make if on to our television screens. Do they script the managers, coaches and referees? We might finally find out.

Then again the public might be outraged about any sport with acting that has betting in it. So if this is the case, expect soccer betting to be banned just like pro wrestling betting. The public may be able to accept acting injured to draw a penalty with no betting. But with betting that would be just too much to bear. Especially if the player has no injury a second after drawing the penalty.

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Decreasing Audiences

Posted on 11 June 2022 by Larry Russwurm

The Ellen Show started with a smaller audience than they needed to. Indeed Ellen used to do things with the Riff Raff Room which collected some of the excess people who wanted to see her show. I kind of wondered over the years why the Ellen Show didn’t bother moving to a place where they could accommodate a larger audience.

Sensing weakness in Ellen’s stranglehold, The Drew Barrymore Show and the Kelly Clarkson Show stepped into the daytime talk show waters a couple years ago. Still they weren’t risking too much against Ellen. As such, both have smaller audiences. My guess is they have about 1/3 of the audience of the Ellen Show.

Finally, after seeing these even smaller audiences, I finally saw the pattern. These smaller-than-they-need-to-be audiences were a feature and not the slightest bit of a liability. Firstly the talk shows didn’t have to struggle to fill seats all the time.

Secondly they could ask sponsors to do full audience giveaways if they wanted to be featured on these shows. Included would be the genuine audience appreciation clapping and shouting which would give the product more clout with the audience at home. A smaller audience means a cheaper buy for the products they are selling.

It remains to be seen if Kelly and Drew will have giveaway shows like Ellen’s 12 days of Christmas or from even earlier on, Oprah with her Favourite Things episodes.

Will upstarts begin against Kelly and Drew? Perhaps it will get to the point where they will pick one deserving person to be the audience member who will receive mega gifts every day. Is that so much different than Ellen’s recent alliance with ‘Tis Best? Vetting this one person might take a team to find them deserving.

But will that one audience member be able to hoot and holler and stomp and clap and show enough emotion on their face to be an appropriately appreciative receiver? Remember, the companies have got to sell the goods this one person gets for free.

I’m not sure about the former, but this smaller audience thing might go one further step. How about making the audience a third of the Kelly and Drew audiences? Surely a sufficiently invested audience could make as much noise as the current Drew and Kelly audiences. Let’s say they were practically guaranteed a $100 gift card from some company. This might go over well but also detractors of such a show might just say they are buying their audience’s love.

This post Kelly or post Drew host might get away with saying they are just trying to spread love. While collecting a paycheque of course.

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My Zombie Light Bulb

Posted on 4 June 2022 by Larry Russwurm

My LED light bulb had a prolonged death. For months it would go from being normal to flashing on and off to back to normal. It’s flashing didn’t bother me that much because it is in my bathroom with two other identical bulbs over my mirror. Then finally that sad day came when it made a noise, there was a brownish, blackish stain on the the bottom, and it went out for good.

I left the burnt out LED bulb in the socket because I have yet to go to the store and get a new replacement bulb. Much to my surprise, a few days later, I turned on the light switch and all three lights came on. The one that had burnt out wasn’t as bright as it used to be but it was definitely on. I was shocked by this new, zombie light. But there was no denying what was happening.

Since that time it has remained dim but sometimes it flashes on and off. I think it is reminding me of the good times when it was alive and approaching death. It is trying to ingratiate me to it by reminding me when it was normal. But most of the time it is not very bright and just gives off a steady glow.

I am not so foolish as to try to unscrew it and replace the bulb. That’s what it wants me to do. I will reach up to try to unscrew it and get the shock of my life. Or a shock to take my life. Then somehow the bulb will eat my brains and it will be all over for me. But not the light bulb. It will remain in the socket till someone else is foolish enough to try to remove it and the cycle goes on.

So I’m left experimenting with zombie life. It’s dimmer so that’s it conserving energy so it can last as long as possible.

And zombies chase brains as if they need them to survive. Perhaps without brains to eat for a long enough time, they will die for good. That’s what I’m hoping.

Is there anyone else trying to outlive a zombie light bulb? Is this common? This is only my second LED light bulb to have burnt out, so I think it is. What pact did the light bulb company make with the devil anyway?

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Steven Del Duca is an Extremist

Posted on 28 May 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Most people consider the Ontario Liberals to be a centrist party. There are other parties in Ontario but most are considered to be to the left or the right of the Liberals. Largely their centrist position seems to hold up during most elections. Except this one.

Steven Del Duca has said that he will step down if he doesn’t bring in a preferential ballot system after a year. This is extremism. He has largely been quiet about this during the election but he stated this during his run for Liberal leader. I think he thinks the electorate at large doesn’t have a clue that he promised this. This stinks.

He is not giving the electorate much of a say in this matter. Shouldn’t a change in voting systems demand majority approval from the electorate? Not the false majority approval brought by a first-past-the-post system, but a true majority?

I bet that some of you are still not convinced that Del Duca’s party isn’t the usual Goldilocks party that the Liberals aim for. At the national level, only one democracy in the world, Australia, uses the preferential ballot that Stephen Del Duca likes. Meanwhile, proportional representation is used by over eighty nations and first-past-the-post (our present system) is used by over 30 countries. Obviously Del Duca is an extremist in regards to what other democracies have chosen.

Why the extremism? Mr. Del Duca believes that he is permanently giving his party an edge over the other parties. It is generally accepted that centrist parties are favoured in a preferential ballot. He wants government after government to be Liberal and thus prone to their corruption. This is not what the province of Ontario wants.

Help send Del Duca the message that Ontarians don’t want centrist parties in power at all times. Ontarians don’t want to give centrist parties an edge forever. This election, a vote against Del Duca is a vote against extremism.

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