The Enhanced Games

Posted on 10 February 2024 by Larry Russwurm

The Enhanced Games might actually get off the ground and offer a place where athletes can use steroids and other scientific enhancements while competing. They hope to get the “real” world records. And if you care to say that this is immoral, they have prepared answers for you.

The Olympic Games are a real money maker. But the “amateur” athletes competing don’t make enough to live on and thus have to have other income. They plan to change that. I hate to say it, but they may have a point.

Still, I won’t give it a firm okay unless I hear that steroids are not shortening the lives of the athletes. I’m afraid that definitive studies are only going to come about because of the Enhanced Games. These athletes are going to be guinea pigs in this instance.

There are also known side effects that most would find troubling. Like a higher risk of torn tendons for example. There are side effects that may shorten the lives of users. Like high blood pressure, increased bad cholesterol, lowered good cholesterol and problems with the heart.

And ‘roid rage is real. This side effect could get stars in, say, a track event likely to fight at the slightest provocation. This could be used by other competitors. You know, a computer generated voice that sounds like the second place athlete saying something terribly insulting about the first place athlete causing a disqualifying fight that the third place athlete’s accomplices started.

Ideally, the Enhanced Games would go long into the future. So the successful male athletes may gain valuable rights to have a third or fourth child, which would be banned in the rest of society. However this may be impossible with long time steroid use making them infertile.

The Enhanced Games are claiming to be a home for all athletes. A few years ago Oscar Pistorius won a medal even though he was a double amputee running on “blades”. This blade runner was thought in some circles to have an unfair advantage. Whether true or not, special limb and other replacements will soon be able to have improvements on the normal body parts. These bionics might tempt people to rid themselves of their original body parts just so they can become athletes in the enhanced games.

I expect that eventually the Enhanced games would split from the bionic games. After all, it would seem like cheating if the bionic legs could run at 50 miles per hour. Of course the steroid users would call the bionic people cheaters.

So I suspect there will be 3 leagues. The Olympic Games, The Enhanced Games and the Bionic Games.

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45 Year Old, Pristine O-Pee-Chee Gum Found

Posted on 3 February 2024 by Larry Russwurm

768 pieces of O-Pee-Chee gum was found still in its original packaging from 1979. There is one case of 16 boxes with 48 sealed packages. There has been much talk of keeping the case pristine, so too, the boxes and each package. I say no to this when valuable experiments could be done to the gum. Maybe not 768 experiments, but a few.

For those of you who don’t know, a stick of O-Pee-Chee gum was inserted inside a package with 14 hockey cards. This semi-miraculous gum would last for about a year, or at least all the way through the hockey season. But can it last a full 45 years after having been made? That is the delightful science experiment we can decide once and for all. Personally I believe that not only is it possible, it will taste as fresh as it did 45 years ago.

They are auctioning off the case. I believe science money would be well spent buying the case. Unfortunately, sport card collectors are speculating that there should be 25 to 30 Wayne Gretzky rookie cards in this case. This will likely drive up the price. Still, I believe science will be able to outbid the collectors. After all, guaranteed science out weighs what amounts to gambling on the Wayne Gretzky rookie cards. Indeed, there might be zero of these in the entire case.

This is how I fantasize the science would be done. First of all, just one stick of gum would be opened. A machine would measure the pollutants in the air released, which comes from London, Ontario’s past which was much more polluted.

Then we could rifle through the package and retrieve the O-Pee-Chee gum. Next an electronic sniffer would sniff the gum. But if I was one of the scientists, I would use my own sniffer. I imagine 45 year old O-Pee-Chee gum smells a lot like the gum did in its first year.

We wouldn’t taste the gum right away because it might be dangerous. Some of the gum may have broken down into poisons. Instead we would find out most of what it was made out of by such things as spectroscopy and using a mass spectrometer, etc.

If the gum passes these tests, it would finally be time to test the gum on a grad student. They might still die but that is the risk that senior scientists are willing to take. If they respond by going “Yuk, this is gross” then we know that O-Pee-Chee gum isn’t still good after 45 years. If they go, “Meh, let me see some reading material while I chew on this,” and then proceed to read through the opened hockey cards, then you know it has its original flavour. If they go “Yum, this is wonderful” then you know they have smoked some weed just a few minutes earlier.

Assuming the grad student went “Meh”, it is now the senior scientists’ chance to also try the gum. Does the taste take them back to their youth when they collected these cards and of course ate the gum? I suspect it will. Why? Because sugar is a great preservative and I think 45 years is nothing for something with as much sugar as O-Pee-Chee gum.

Then, if the senior scientists must, they will search through the opened cards for a Wayne Gretzky rookie card. Perhaps they can recover the cost of this experiment.

Then they will preserve the rest of the boxes and packages for 45 years in the future where they will, once again test the gum. It is after all important to find out how long O-Pee-Chee gum can last. It could be used on very long space voyages.

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Shortening Doctor Titles

Posted on 27 January 2024 by Larry Russwurm

Have you ever noticed that the English version of words is generally shorter? I don’t know about all languages but by comparison with French, the English version is usually shorter than the same thing stated in French.

This is not by accident. English works at it. Whether it be with acronyms or other shortening methods, English speakers seem to thrive on brevity. Lately I have seen a commercial with Jennifer Garner which tries to do this with a doctor’s title. They blatantly use the word derm for meaning dermatologist.

I guess that’s it. We’re doing it now. We’re officially shortening doctor’s long, long titles. And bonus points will be given if we succeed in making the titles only one syllable long.

How about endocronologist? Let’s shorten that title to end. As in, “I am going to meet my end, today.” Why pretty soon a whole bunch of people in Canada will have suggested you call 988 otherwise known as the suicide prevention line. In order to not waste the time of such a valuable resource as 988, perhaps we can use the short form endo for an endocronologist.

How about anesthesiologist? We could try shortening it to the first syllable so it would be an. But this sounds like an indefinite article or a woman’s name. So how about anes? Well what would it be if your anes and proctologist consulted? Sounds like a colonoscopy! Anes unfortunately sounds like something else. So how about thesi? I had a consult with my thesi today. Much better.

So how about that proctologist? Proc might be thought of as being short for proclamation. And you really don’t want your results and procedures read out like a proclamation. Perhaps prockey could be used as the shortened version. But that name reminds us of a game being played. A hard hitting, violent game perhaps isn’t what you want to think of as happening down there. Maybe proctologist should remain untouched by our shortening.

Then there’s oncologist. There I support the one syllable shortening to onc. Even though an ankh is pronounced the same. Oncologists are cancer doctors and a cancer diagnosis can mean death. But the ankh is a symbol that means life. Lately this battle between life and death often means more life after the cancer diagnosis. That is the trend. So life isn’t a bad symbol for the oncologist.

These are just some specialties I’m familiar with. The list of doctor specialties is, I believe well over 30. Have fun shortening their specialties yourself. Remember the English language will be proud of you.

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Zebras

Posted on 20 January 2024 by Larry Russwurm

Referees wear vertically striped outfits that are black and white. Not surprisingly they get called zebras by many. But despite the haranguing referees get, they are considered to be upstanding citizens with good opinions on the match or game they ref. They are an authority figure.

For the longest time, prisoners wore horizontally striped outfits that were black and white. I think they were given such clothing in an effort to stand out from the crowd. If they escaped their prison they could easily be spotted before they managed to change clothes. As prisoners, they were largely looked down on by the general public.

What is it about black and white stripes that denotes the position in society so easily? Could it be that vertical stripes are slimming and therefore of a higher standing? Horizontal stripes make someone look broader and does that denote lower standing?

Does the black and white part, mean that they see things in black and white? Maybe they make the mistake of seeing everything as good or evil, right or wrong. I don’t know because I didn’t come up with this design.

But I do think that the middle class could be denoted by black and white stripes on a 45 degree angle. If we let someone dress up like that, though, I bet one of the first comments would be, “You’re crooked!” since crooked also refers to the criminal, this design doesn’t make the wearer an average, non-criminal, society member.

The only way to denote the ordinary citizen that I can see, is to use zigzagging patterns, sometimes known as saw-tooth wave patterns. But should they zigzag horizontally or vertically?

If the vertical stripes is upper class, then the horizontal stripes would mean lower class. Perhaps the horizontal saw-tooth wave pattern could denote lower middle class. Charlie Brown has a yellow and black shirt with this pattern. Does that mean he was lower middle class? Then the vertical saw-tooth wave pattern could denote upper middle class. We could all display our class with our clothing. Doesn’t that sound icky.

If you don’t want to do this might I recommend any clothing other than black and white stripes.

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Average Girls

Posted on 13 January 2024 by Larry Russwurm

It’s easy to pick on someone when they have characteristics which aren’t like yours. That person is too fat, for example. But it’s not the fat you have an issue with. It’s their lack of averageness. This frees you up to also condemn others for being too skinny.

Picking on someone who is intellectually stunted is so easy. Almost too easy. As such, you need a bigger challenge. So as a group, you decide to pick on someone who is intellectually gifted. Now that can be more of a challenge. But not really when you have numbers on your side.

Many who are small are subjected to teasing and being pushed around by their more average peers. But do we leave the tall people alone? We may not be able to push them around but use jokes to keep them in line. “What’s the weather like up there?” Or calling someone Tree if they are very tall.

It is my belief that this has been going on for many, many years. In fact I think someone who was intellectually gifted in math and language came up with a counter plan. They decided to also name the average as being the mean. They did this knowing full well that the mean can also mean the nasty.

Mean Girls is coming out this week and is based on the 2000s movie but is reimagined as a musical. So I hope this is timely. Now you can understand my title. But let’s take a look at what happens to the mean after middle school and high school.

One of the things that people supporting the bullied say is that it gets better. After high school and middle school, things get better. Averageness doesn’t rule as much in later life. Why? Because averageness is exhausting.

Usually the workforce doesn’t want average employees. Taller, or stronger workers are more likely to be wanted for physically demanding jobs. The intellectually gifted may be better at some desk jobs. The big overweight people may be better bouncers or other jobs in which they don’t need to be fast runners,

It’s tough to stay average. Middle aged people often sprout bellies and other weight gain. Do you still want to be the average in middle age? You’ll probably be a good deal heavier than in your youth, then.

Then, too, average becomes boring after awhile. Say you are a person who likes hearing about famous battles. Soon you will have memorized how famous battles went in history and you become the local expert. Experts aren’t average. To be average you almost can’t have a hobby.

In short, mean doesn’t win in later life.

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Xmas Coke Party

Posted on 6 January 2024 by Larry Russwurm

Listen to this intro from TMZ: Kim Kardashian hosts holiday party with snow, coke and gingerbread house.

Obviously snow and coke are slang for cocaine. But how is gingerbread house also slang for cocaine?

Well gingers are some of the whitest white people around. At least with the whitest skin (minus the freckles, of course). And their favourite bread has got to be white bread. And their favourite house is the White House (ask Donald Trump). All this whiteness seems to suggest something the colour white. Like cocaine. So gingerbread house could easily be slang for cocaine, too. You can’t fool me. I can read in between the lines.

Who was this Xmas party for? Why friends and family. Wait, their kids, too? I don’t mean to suggest that the Kardashians are bad parents. I bet no one snorted any coke while the kids were still awake.

And there is all that snow they brought in. Could it possibly be that they are that rich? That they sledded on cocaine? They want to wallow in their own wealth it seems. Or at least make snow angels in cocaine.

One thing that I don’t understand is the specially labeled bottles of Coca Cola. What does that have to do with cocaine? I know it would be cute for the guests to have these Kardashian-Jenner labeled bottles. But even if they took one home it would just end up in the recycling.

And did you see the shot of the trees and grass just covered in the snow? This is Southern California so I believe that was all cocaine. An impressive display of wealth. The whole clan (of adults!) can snort that for the entirety of 2024.

If I had that much cocaine I would be paranoid there would be strong winds blowing it away or rain that would wash it away. Forget that last one, it’s southern California. They should be worried about wildfires just burning it.

Writing about this cocaine, cocaine, cocaine Christmas party, is thirsty work. I think I’ll have a cola, now.

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Best Posts of 2023

Posted on 30 December 2023 by Larry Russwurm

I was so very punny this year that the 1st and last post I’m linking to in this are pun based. In February, I Don’t Want to Say What This Post is About cannot be named without falling victim to the same trap that all the headlines mentioned did.

May saw the Michael Conspiracy or what I would name the post now. It was actually called Canadian Michaels and China.

In July we heard about the Swift Quake. But wasn’t this just a physical manifestation of what we had been hearing all year? Taylor Swift was all over the news and really wasn’t that big of a surprise as Time Magazine’s Person of the Year.

In September I railed about an ever practical idea. For the Love of Life, Keep Eddie Vedder Away from Drugs. But I heard in a comment from someone that he just might already be using alcohol as his more legal crutch.

In November I wrote about different types of writers in Plotters and Pantsers and related them to different types of murders.

In December I again took on the punster hat to come up with 3 puns in a very short story. It was called Vegetare.

I’m wishing a happy new year to all those people out there who enjoy strange humour.

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Unending Hair Growth

Posted on 23 December 2023 by Larry Russwurm

The problem with unending hair growth for early humans, is that it would literally trip up our ancestors. This could spell trouble both when running from predators and running in when killing prey.

Indeed, back then, I bet baldness was prized. So too would be hair breakage before the hair gets too long. While both are seen as a problem by some today, they could have literally saved your life back in the stone age.

The one advantage of unending hair growth is that it might take decades to become as long as its person. It could be like an old age pension. If you’re so old that you trip over your hair, then you can stay home and do lesser tasks than hunting. The rest of the clan would have to hunt and forage for you.

So it is my bet, that the first thing that stone tools were developed for, would have been to cut our hair. If you were going back in time to such an era, you could bring along a good pair of scissors. They might be prized over other tools.

I envision the first tools may have been a stone that came to a point. This way, you could put the hair to be cut against flat rock and bash the sharp end of the stone against the hair. This would have been both the first barbershop and the first hair salon.

Only after making the tool to cut hair would we realize it had other uses. Like to kill and skin prey, So I am thinking this may have been the very first tool that humanity made and used, So the first profession after forager might have been the barber or hairdresser.

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Vegetare

Posted on 17 December 2023 by Larry Russwurm

I had been warned about driving in the desert alone at night. Still I wanted to return home to Oklahoma as soon as possible to maximize my Christmas break with my family.

I saw some lights over to the west. But decided to concentrate on the road instead. The stereotypical UFO encounter continued as I lost my radio station, then my only one year old car engine stalled. The lights came closer as I pulled over. I felt trapped as there were only a few cacti to hide behind. So I stayed in the car as the alien ship hovered over me.

Suddenly three aliens came down from the spaceship and surrounded my car. The closest one tapped on my driver’s window. I opened it a crack. “Greetings,” I said in an effort not to be overpowered.

“Greetings, Earthling. We are from Vegetare.”

I thought about that a moment then laughed. “Are you trying to tell me you are Vegetarians?”

“Is there something funny about that?” asked the talkative alien.

“Here on earth, people who don’t eat meat say that’s what they are called.”

The alien just stared blankly for a minute. I tried to help him. “Which star system are you from? Maybe you can go by that.”

The alien’s face became more animated. “Yes we could do that. We are from the Vega star system.”

I laughed long and hard at this. “Are you saying that not only are you Vegetarians, but you are Vegans as well?”

“What is funny about this?”

“Earthlings call themselves Vegans if they don’t eat animals or animal products”

The alien stared blankly. It blinked its eyes a couple times.

“To avoid confusion, what exactly do you aliens actually eat?

“Cookies,” came the quick reply.

I rubbed my chin. “That’s possibly Vegan or Vegetarian. Maybe your story does check out. But how do you survive on just junk food.”

“You misunderstand.” said the alien and pointed a gun like thing at my head. “We’re the cookers, you are the cookees!”

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The Six Basic Characters and Five Basic Settings

Posted on 9 December 2023 by Larry Russwurm

If you have delved into writing for any large degree you must have come across the idea (or the book) that there are seven basic plots. Now I am not going to tell you what these seven are (some have even said there are only two – tragedy and comedy), but I will tell you that this angers me. I mean when you over generalize to make something very complex very simple, it strikes me that much meaning is lost.

But I am not going to argue that there are more than seven plots. Instead I am going to argue that there are only a limited amount of characters and settings, the two other big areas in writing, to bring out your ire just as the seven plots brings out mine.

I would also like to say that I do this because many writers “specialize” in character because they think all plots have been done before. I also point out the limited settings because, I, as I have posted before, like to say I am a setting based author. So this exercise will annoy me as well as others.

Don’t laugh at the first category of character. You would be mistaken to say that that is the only character that is ever used. The first archetype of character is the “human”. Yeah you wince at the broadness of this category as many authors stated goal is to bring the character’s humanity to the written page. But enough. We are all humans and know what a human is at this point. So this is the first and most obvious category.

The rest of my 6 categories of character are: alien, robot or computer, godlike or near godlike, animal, and lesser magical creatures. That’s it. And I feel that the rest of these 6 are largely self explanatory for a human like you.

I bet you are thinking, well of course he has it down to 6 categories of character, since he uses such a broad stroke. Well you’re going to say the same thing again when I introduce the 5 categories of setting. After that, perhaps you’ll understand my anger when someone says there are only 7 plots.

The first setting is “earth” which prior to the last couple hundred years seemed to be the only place to represent many, many stories. But even then there was some attempt to buck the normal. Some stories took place in heaven or hell so I’ll just call the second category “the divine”.

As far back as Kepler’s day the other world or the exo planets, planets, moons, asteroids or comets category was born. Basically anything that was hard and had gravity.

Weird science fiction has pushed things further, saying that stories are possible in gas giants or stars (or even life can be stars) or neutron stars can have life or do something to life, and what stories are possible near the event horizon of black holes. These categories are ridiculous but fertile.

The last category is free fall, or any situation where gravity doesn’t enter the picture.

So there you have it, the 5 Categories of Setting and the 6 Categories of Character. Think on that and the whole idea of overly broad categories.

I myself will pick 7 stories with the different plots and read them to young impressionable people. Then, when I am done the 7, I am going to say “Enough! I have read you all the basic plots there are. I have shown you everything you need to know.” Then the young people will be jaded know-it-alls. They will fit in our post-modern world where everything is really just modern.

If they try to get out of my trap by mentioning “well at least there’s character and setting” I can wow them with the fact that combined with character and setting, there are still only 210 ( in other words: 7 plots x 6 characters x 5 settings) possible stories.

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