The Modern Midas

Posted on 5 November 2022 by Larry Russwurm

We’ve all heard the story of King Midas who was granted the power of the Midas touch. That’s where everything he touched turned to gold. At first he wanted this power and saw it as a blessing. Then he realizes it’s a curse and everything he loves must not be touched or they, too, will turn to gold.

But let’s analyze this a bit more. When he gets this power he was likely clothed. And he was touching his clothes. His clothes never changed to gold because gold is hard and wouldn’t allow him to move easily as clothing. Gold is one of the densest substances on Earth and would also weigh him down terribly.

I think it’s safe to say his clothing never turns to gold. Thus it is only his exposed hands that have the Midas touch. He could run around touching many many things that would sell for a large value if they were gold.

Then he can pay for a doctor and hospital bills. He will need to have his hands severed off or even possibly his arms to have no chance of changing a loved one into gold.

Maybe he should sever his hands in a well guarded part of the castle. Perhaps the Midas touch works after the hands have been severed and people can touch things to the hands and they too will be turned to gold. The king will be so rich, he won’t ever need real hands again.

He can use artificial limbs and maybe one day there will be robotic hands that can be wired to the brain so he can control them as he once did his real hands.

The original Midas story was a powerful moral tale. Telling this in modern times is more likely to get an expression of “Meh.”

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A is for Female

Posted on 29 October 2022 by Larry Russwurm

About half the female names in English end in the letter A. I was oblivious to this until I noticed it when the song Mambo #5 was a hit. In that song, every single female’s name rattled off ends in an A except Mary. And that name contains an A.

It’s not just English. I can think of many foreign female names that end in A. I think it is an Indo-European family of languages thing. Maybe it’s even a worldwide thing. Regardless, a lot of female names end in A.

But what struck me was that the last name Taylor was being given out as a first name almost exclusively to females. And the last name Tyler was being given as a first name almost exclusively to males. They’re both surnames and as such can be male or female. Is that A denoting female names even when it’s not the last letter?

I found other female names that when the A disappeared became male names. I change the spelling in the following to the most common spelling of the male name:

Addison becomes Dyson, Alessa becomes Les, Bailey becomes Billy, Bertha becomes Bert, Gayle becomes Giles, Joan becomes Jon, Kayla becomes Kyle and Layla becomes Lyle.

If you are hoping to find rarer male names that are English words, we then have our next list:

Alice becomes Lice, Amy becomes My, Athena becomes Then, Avery becomes Very, Carol becomes Crawl, Charo becomes Crow, Diana becomes Din, Elsa becomes Else, Ida becomes Id, Laura becomes Lore, Maud becomes Mud, Maura becomes More, and May becomes My.

If you are wondering why the names stop halfway through the alphabet it is because figuring these things out takes a lot of time so I stopped at M.

But what about those female names that exist both with an A and without an A?

Like Gisella and Giselle, Helena and Helen, and Julia and Julie?

Maybe Giselle, Helen and Julie are very masculine women.

Which brings us straight to the question that aren’t males, with an A or two in their name, effeminate? As a Larry, I have to say decidedly not! I am masculine in every way. Don’t let the long hair fool you. Oh. The long hair.

Well if that’s true, I’m going to throw Giselle, Helen, and Julie under the bus of masculinity.

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Are You a Speciesist?

Posted on 22 October 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Do you love one species over another? Then you are a speciesist. The law is speciesist. There are many protections for homo sapiens but few protections for other animals by comparison.

And way back I bet we were really speciesist. The fact there are no neanderthals or Denisovans left I think speaks to a real bias among our ancestors. It is my belief that they were on a campaign to deliberately wipe neanderthals and denisovans out. And they succeeded.

And I really wonder about people who say they love animals. Surely there is a cutoff somewhere. Amoebas are just too small to see. Or even sense unless we are using scientific equipment. Why make ourselves responsible for their lives and deaths?

I feel no guilt when I kill an insect. Cockroaches and fruit flies and houseflies and locusts can end up almost taking over a place. Because of this I feel no guilt when I kill any of these creatures. Indeed I feel a little satisfaction. My satisfaction is only tempered by the fact I didn’t get them all. I for sure am a speciesist in this regard.

I heed arguments that honey bees are helpful in agriculture. But when they come around me I freak out just a little to make sure they don’t sting me. And if they get into my house, I am on a mission to kill them. I’m a bit speciesist about all insects.

Maybe I’m better with mammals. But mammals include rodents. Mice and rats are known for spreading disease. And with no real predators in Australia, plagues of them are the result. Much like insects, these creatures need to be killed. I’m a speciesist here, too.

I also think Alberta is a bit nuts here in the fact they kill any rats in their province. So much so that they say their province is entirely rat free. A rat population under control is enough for me. I don’t need Alberta’s level of perfection.

And beavers are rodents. This hardworking animal that doesn’t spread disease can be a nuisance when their dams flood land. But that flooding can be managed. So I leave these guys alone.

I have no qualms about dangerous predators being killed. I’m in the lowlands of southern Ontario and don’t mind the fact that whenever a black bear makes it into this area, it makes the television news. That’s how rare it is. So I can hike with a high confidence that no creature will kill me.

I am also a meat eater. I admire vegetarians and vegans for their restraint. Unfortunately they must be more aware about their diets to remain healthy. I admit it, I’m not willing to think about my food so much. For me it’s easier to remain a meat eater. Still I have more meals than I used to that are vegetarian or vegan.

I do wonder about vegetarians and vegans owning dogs or cats. It’s my understanding that both types of animals need meat to survive. I can imagine the nervous twitches on these people when they feed such pets. Or maybe this is the type of person that owns birds?

Anyhow, I’m a speciesist, you’re a speciesist, everyone’s a speciesist. At least a little it seems. If you are not, I’d love to hear how you do it!

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The Colours of Wealth

Posted on 15 October 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Centuries ago, they didn’t have an inexpensive dye for purple. But they did for the rest of the spectrum. So only rich people could afford purple clothes. The colour became associated with wealth. Royalty and nobles alike used to like to show off their purple clothes which the poor could never have.

But eventually purple dyes became cheaper. So the rich no longer cared for purple clothes to set themselves apart. Soon a new colour became associated with wealth.

The Americans began printing green money in 1861. They used green so it wasn’t in black and white and couldn’t be counterfeited by photography. By the time cameras that could shoot colour came into existence, the greenback was an institution. So in America green became the colour of money.

Even in Canada, green is known as the colour of money although our currency is multi-coloured. I can’t help but note that the Rosedale subway stop in Toronto is in one of the wealthiest areas of Toronto. Each subway stop is made a different colour. And Rosedale’s is green. It is much like the colour on the American currency.

So I would argue that green became the colour of wealth after purple’s long reign.

But lately a new colour has emerged as the colour of wealth. Trump is orange from the tips of his hair to the tips of his toes. His dyed orange hair is part of this. But most of it is from his skin’s fake orange tan. Only someone with money to burn would pay for things that make them look worse. And Trump does this willingly.

Expect orange to catch on with the wealthy. I’m certain that Trump’s bills and other legislation made it easier for the rich to make a buck. As well he probably cut back on taxes to the wealthy. Sure Donald was only thinking of himself but this also applies to those who make tons of money or whose relatives make lots of money. Trump’s style could be taken up by these people. Cheeto orange could become the new colour of wealth.

But the wealthy are typecasting themselves. Purple, green and orange are the secondary colours. That is, they are the colours that aren’t necessary because they can be made up of two primary colours. All you really need are the three primary colours of red, blue and yellow. Are the wealthy unnecessary parasites?

Maybe. There is talk about how extremely wealthy men are improving space travel. I do like to laugh at this because 53 years ago the government made it to the moon. And still, private enterprise hasn’t matched this feat. Don’t give me the BS that private enterprise is better than government when it is most decidedly not.

Like leeches on society, those extremely wealthy men are not paying 50% taxes on their money like they should. If they were, the government could use that money to come up with all the innovations that the private spacecraft companies have. But then we wouldn’t be able to congratulate Bezos, Musk and Branson for their “accomplishments”.

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Yet Another Grab Bag o’ Humour

Posted on 8 October 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Dean R. Koontz is a great horror writer. So much so that I think it is only natural to call him the king of horror writers. Some might protest but I think that history will bear me out on this one.

One obscure rejection of this I will take on. Some of you might call Stephen King the king of horror writers. But this argument I’d like to chain up, throw in a locked cage and sink under water where it belongs, never to be seen by humans again. There’s a big difference between the name King and the title of king. I would like to take those people to task for calling King king again.

Don’t you think that Stephen King is tired of being cast as a real king all his life? Open the box in your mind and set him free once and for all. Let Koontz be the king of horror.

* * *

Have you been hoodwinked into accepting gut flora as something current and scientific? Well it’s not. For the gut bacteria to be flora they need to photosynthesize in a place where the sun don’t shine. Since this is not possible, they aren’t flora. Start using the term gut microbiome. It’s longer but we’ll catch on to it eventually.

* * *

Remember real jobs used to include working in a factory. Have you worked in a factory lately? The vast majority of the people I know certainly don’t. These real jobs disappeared and hardly anyone does them anymore. They’re hardly the career they once were.

How about working on something like the Simpsons? A flaky job if ever there was one. But wait, it’s been going since 1989 which in general makes it a career for those who began with it. There are other shows following suit, too.

But that’s LaLa land. How about right here in my area of Ontario? Acting jobs on the stage are quite common here. There’s the Drayton company of theatres that have sprung up in small towns and even in Cambridge. There’s the Blyth Festival which showcases Canadian plays. There’s the Stratford Festival which has Shakespearean plays as well as others. There’s the Shaw Festival in Niagara-on-the-Lake. And I haven’t even included any of the big Toronto shows which are also a reasonable drive away. People live as actors without even leaving my area of Ontario. Flaky jobs? Not so flaky anymore.

* * *

In my early days, I was brought up in a Lutheran Church, And not once do I remember Satan being brought up. Not in the sermons and not in Sunday School. It’s quite easy for me to imagine Christianity without any Satan.

Indeed, now I think that Satan was added as an after thought. Not because we need to have a Hell. But because we can now curse someone out when things go wrong, After all, cursing out God might lead to no good.

“Thank you, Satan!” er that is “Curse you, Satan!”

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Generation Non Violence

Posted on 1 October 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Despite the hippie-trippy peace and love thing, the Baby Boomers were decidedly not the non violence generation. Indeed they were the opposite of that. In their time of youth, roughly when they were about 18-30, was the prime time for muggings. Remember muggings? They were a regular thing in the 70s. Muggings are a physical assault or a threatened physical assault for the purpose of robbing someone. Peace and love? The irony is pretty heavy.

Statistics all over North America show that violent crime was at its peak during the Baby Boomers’ youth. Then there was a long decline in violence that continued from the end of the Baby Boomers’ youth all the way until a handful of years ago when violent crime began to escalate again.

So which generation was responsible for the dropping numbers? The numbers dropped during Gen X’s youth. Of course there should have been a drop anyway as there were fewer Gen Xers. But the continued decline is more than the scant numbers of Gen X youth would attest. Gen Xers as it turns out were less violent than the preceding generation.

I’ve been racking my brain for reasons but I only have come up with one that makes sense. The Baby Boomers had fewer adults per each youth. Adults over 30 who could help put the Boomers on the right path. Gen X, in North America was also known as the Baby Bust. There were more adults over 30 for each Gen X youth. Supervising the youth over this time was easier.

Why Millennials kept up the non violence of Gen X, I don’t know. Maybe it was the complete eradication of violence as a punishment in schools. Or the gradual disappearance of corporal punishment at homes in favour of the famous time out. Maybe participation trophies actually do help society at large.

Why violence has started to increase in Gen Z, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the thought that they might be the last generation ever. (As noted by their end of the alphabet moniker.) But honestly, Gen Z, it just started with Gen X being the unknown generation. X stands for unknown. Millennials were very early on known as Gen Y. Thus you were known as Gen Z. Don’t ask me what they will tag the next generation with.

Anyhow Generation Non Violence could be Gen X’s new moniker. As a Gen X member, I would love to see an agreed upon name for my generation instead of the placeholder Gen X. Gen Z start suggesting names now for your generation or you will be stuck with a placeholder name for most of your lives.

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Bodybuilders in Space

Posted on 24 September 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Bodybuilders in space might seem like a pipe dream to you but there is one reason why it might happen. Astronauts in significantly longer trips than to the Moon (like to Mars) will need to exercise at least 4 hours a day.

The reason for this is because people lose bone density when they are under weightlessness. Exercise slows this progression. More exercise means it is slowed even more. Bodybuilders are known for their exercise tolerance. So maybe they will be the first ones sent to Mars.

Otherwise, the first words we hear from Mars could be, “That’s one small step for a AIEEE! man , one broken leg for a man!”

Bodybuilders may be a natural, but they have this nasty habit of preferring to exercise with free weights. “No,” their commanders will tell them. “You must exercise with resistance bands.”

The argument will go on for a long time. Then the commanders will say, “Absolutely not. Every kilogram of mass means it’s more expensive and harder to lift the rocket.”

“Are you saying you want scrawny bodybuilders, too? That’s it. I’m out.”

It would seem that the bodybuilders to Mars program is over. But the commander will have one more trick up his sleeve.

“Have you thought about doing a space walk while en route? In it you can touch the outside of the rocket and say you are going to bench press the whole thing without the bench. Just move your arms like you are bench pressing the rocket and have the selfie camera filming it like you are at rest and the rocket moves.”

“But everyone will know it’s a trick.”

“And you can say it’s a law of physics. Each time you pressed the rocket it moved a tiny bit. It’s all relative you might say. They might even think you know something about relativity.”

“I know. I’ll say work out smarter, not harder. I’ll get my own chain of gyms and become a national icon.”

With that settled they only had to fiddle with the details.

But no matter how hard they fiddled, the bodybuilder refused any exercise except free weights.

And that’s why there will be no bodybuilders in space.

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A Tale of Two Vices

Posted on 17 September 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Smoking obviously can cut back on your life expectancy, quality of life and can spread the risk to others (second hand smoke). As a result we’ve seen since the millennium a crackdown on where smoking is allowed and more and more grotesque warnings.

There has been uptake by the community on the topic of smoking. The percentage of people who smoke has shrunk and shrunk and shrunk. I believe even including the people who now vape, the percentage is lower than at the turn of the millennium.

On the other hand, alcohol consumption has really come out of the dark since the seventies in Ontario. From windowless hidey-place bars to glassy, who-has-the-best-view-while-getting-drunk bars of today.

Big wine was the first one to say that their product increased life spans. They said some mumbo-jumbo-resveratrol and, tadah, they had the suspected substance that made wine good for you. The reason they hadn’t realized it in the past had to do with mumbo-jumbo binge drinking. People had just been drinking wrong. If they just managed a drink or two a day, that would be good for them.

Big alcohol soon saw this and saw the error in their ways of promoting binge drinking. Mumbo-jumbo, tadah, suddenly studies found that 1 or 2 drinks a day of any alcohol would actually increase your life span.

That was the last decade or so. Finally big science had it’s say and slowly, tediously and methodically they said more than 1 or two drinks of alcohol per week cut down your life expectancy. And it can definitely cut down on quality of life with a number of cancers and other illnesses it can cause.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the consumption of alcohol had increased in the last couple decades, what with mumbo-jumbo studies backing them up and all. But now we know the truth.

I have seen some of the numbers and am going to cut my alcohol consumption in half. Take that big alcohol. If those of you who are annoyed with the ) @ ^^ ^ alcohol companies and also did the same, perhaps we could decrease their profits. Some could quit alcohol completely. Some might cut down less than me. But together we could affect big alcohol’s bottom line.

We could make sure every beer or serving of alcohol had a warning label. Perhaps covering ½ of the drink. We could banish alcohol to less visible spots. No windows on bars as they used to have in the province of Ontario.

But wait, some of you might say. Alcohol doesn’t have second hand smoke like cigarette smoking has.

Yes, but still some bad fights are blamed on alcohol and then there is also drinking and driving. Perhaps we should have stiffer sentencing for both of those?

If we put up a good, solid, kind of campaign against drinking we might get the numbers down against big alcohol. Like we did with big tobacco. I’m not the kind of optimist that thinks we can erase it like in prohibition, but we can get the numbers down.

Then, perhaps we can tackle vaping and marijuana consumption. It seems to take a decade or more for real science to evolve from the issues. Which means we might have good numbers about vaping now. And soon we should have some against marijuana use.

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A Lesser Super Power

Posted on 10 September 2022 by Larry Russwurm

I was probably 6 or 7 when my parents brought out a brand new pair of rubber boots for the younger kids in my family. They beamed when they did. It was almost as if they were giving us a lesser super power.

It was a beautiful spring day. The season was probably the reason for this gift. The mud of spring is almost legendary. So I put on my brand new boots and went outside. Our neighbour had just recently plowed his field.

But instead of circling this field, I knew that I could head through it in any direction I saw fit. So I headed out straight across it in the way the crow flies. And indeed it was more or less fine getting halfway across this field.

But I guess I just ran out of luck for suddenly one of my boots just went “Sploosh!” and I couldn’t lift it back out of the mud. I didn’t know what to do or what had happened. I guess it was just the suction power of the mud. I gripped on to the sides of the upper boot and pulled but still couldn’t get it to lift. No matter how hard I tried to pull I just couldn’t lift that boot out of the mud.

Nowadays I realize I could have dug with my hands at the outside of the boot and eventually I would have gotten it out. But my hands and upper clothing would have been very muddy. I didn’t think of this and eventually I just abandoned that boot. I slipped my foot out of the trapped boot and and walked back to the non muddy area.

My sock and pants were very muddy of course. Plus I no longer had a pair of rubber boots. Just a single boot. I don’t recall getting in trouble. I realized having the boots wasn’t a lesser super power. Or, if it was, it was one that you had to have knowledge about to wield properly.

I only had a lesser super power for about a half hour. I must say for most of that half hour I was enjoying it.

So that boot was stuck in the middle of the field. I don’t know what the neighbour planted that year, whether it was corn or a grain. But I can imagine a family with a bag of corn asking, “Doesn’t this corn taste a bit rubbery to you?”

“Why yes it does. Perhaps we should return it.”

I’m sorry family, I didn’t mean to mess up your meal.

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Another Grab Bag O’ Humour

Posted on 3 September 2022 by Larry Russwurm

In the latest television advertisement from the McDonald’s Corporation, they brag that there will be no leftovers. Well McDonald’s, I don’t think that’s something you want to shine a light on. Or people might think of portion size versus other restaurants.

It’s kind of like Lean Cuisine microwaveable meals bragging that there will be no leftovers. Their limited portion size (which is normally considered a feature) would be considered to be a detriment by the discerning consumer.

At McDonald’s you can have your crispy chicken and eat two. But it’s twice as much. And likely there will still be no leftovers.

* * *

We didn’t have a cottage in my family so we rented one when I was 5 and 15. The same cottage for a direct comparison.

When I was five, it had an outhouse to go to the bathroom in. Yes we were actually roughing it a bit. So my definition of a cottage back then was sort of between camping and a home. And you didn’t have to pitch a tent when you arrived, which was handy.

When I was 15 we had an indoor flush toilet at the same cottage. I much preferred living in this cottage. It was gradually leaning more towards a home than a camping adventure. A home directly on a lake that is.

This was 40 years ago! All those people who have cottages have added to them since then. There is no doubt that they are nearly as luxurious as the family home. I believe that you can no longer call them cottages.

Indeed, I know some people have wheedled out of going to the office and can now do it remotely via computers. Those people I bet will live at their cottage all summer. From now on they must call it their summer home.

* * *

Why do comedy trios always have a Larry? It was Larry, Curly and Moe in the three stooges. It was brothers Larry, Darryl and Darryl on the Newhart show in the eighties. What is it about the name Larry? I genuinely want to know because I share the same name.

Why it’s hil-LARRY-ous of course.

Which brings me back to my university days in residence. The group of us in our house included a young man named Hildeberto. We called him Hil for short.

Whenever someone would make a bad joke I would say, “That was Hil” and point at Hil, “Larry” and point at myself then twirl my pointed finger in a circle around the group and say “Us”. I must have done this about ten different times.

The moral of this story is don’t make bad jokes or you will be mocked by a serial bad joker.

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