A Lesser Super Power

Posted on 10 September 2022 by Larry Russwurm

I was probably 6 or 7 when my parents brought out a brand new pair of rubber boots for the younger kids in my family. They beamed when they did. It was almost as if they were giving us a lesser super power.

It was a beautiful spring day. The season was probably the reason for this gift. The mud of spring is almost legendary. So I put on my brand new boots and went outside. Our neighbour had just recently plowed his field.

But instead of circling this field, I knew that I could head through it in any direction I saw fit. So I headed out straight across it in the way the crow flies. And indeed it was more or less fine getting halfway across this field.

But I guess I just ran out of luck for suddenly one of my boots just went “Sploosh!” and I couldn’t lift it back out of the mud. I didn’t know what to do or what had happened. I guess it was just the suction power of the mud. I gripped on to the sides of the upper boot and pulled but still couldn’t get it to lift. No matter how hard I tried to pull I just couldn’t lift that boot out of the mud.

Nowadays I realize I could have dug with my hands at the outside of the boot and eventually I would have gotten it out. But my hands and upper clothing would have been very muddy. I didn’t think of this and eventually I just abandoned that boot. I slipped my foot out of the trapped boot and and walked back to the non muddy area.

My sock and pants were very muddy of course. Plus I no longer had a pair of rubber boots. Just a single boot. I don’t recall getting in trouble. I realized having the boots wasn’t a lesser super power. Or, if it was, it was one that you had to have knowledge about to wield properly.

I only had a lesser super power for about a half hour. I must say for most of that half hour I was enjoying it.

So that boot was stuck in the middle of the field. I don’t know what the neighbour planted that year, whether it was corn or a grain. But I can imagine a family with a bag of corn asking, “Doesn’t this corn taste a bit rubbery to you?”

“Why yes it does. Perhaps we should return it.”

I’m sorry family, I didn’t mean to mess up your meal.

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Another Grab Bag O’ Humour

Posted on 3 September 2022 by Larry Russwurm

In the latest television advertisement from the McDonald’s Corporation, they brag that there will be no leftovers. Well McDonald’s, I don’t think that’s something you want to shine a light on. Or people might think of portion size versus other restaurants.

It’s kind of like Lean Cuisine microwaveable meals bragging that there will be no leftovers. Their limited portion size (which is normally considered a feature) would be considered to be a detriment by the discerning consumer.

At McDonald’s you can have your crispy chicken and eat two. But it’s twice as much. And likely there will still be no leftovers.

* * *

We didn’t have a cottage in my family so we rented one when I was 5 and 15. The same cottage for a direct comparison.

When I was five, it had an outhouse to go to the bathroom in. Yes we were actually roughing it a bit. So my definition of a cottage back then was sort of between camping and a home. And you didn’t have to pitch a tent when you arrived, which was handy.

When I was 15 we had an indoor flush toilet at the same cottage. I much preferred living in this cottage. It was gradually leaning more towards a home than a camping adventure. A home directly on a lake that is.

This was 40 years ago! All those people who have cottages have added to them since then. There is no doubt that they are nearly as luxurious as the family home. I believe that you can no longer call them cottages.

Indeed, I know some people have wheedled out of going to the office and can now do it remotely via computers. Those people I bet will live at their cottage all summer. From now on they must call it their summer home.

* * *

Why do comedy trios always have a Larry? It was Larry, Curly and Moe in the three stooges. It was brothers Larry, Darryl and Darryl on the Newhart show in the eighties. What is it about the name Larry? I genuinely want to know because I share the same name.

Why it’s hil-LARRY-ous of course.

Which brings me back to my university days in residence. The group of us in our house included a young man named Hildeberto. We called him Hil for short.

Whenever someone would make a bad joke I would say, “That was Hil” and point at Hil, “Larry” and point at myself then twirl my pointed finger in a circle around the group and say “Us”. I must have done this about ten different times.

The moral of this story is don’t make bad jokes or you will be mocked by a serial bad joker.

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The King of Pop

Posted on 27 August 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Rolling Stone magazine has been taking a lot of flack for dubbing Harry Styles “The King of Pop”. Michael Jackson was known as the King of Pop in that era of music and his fans and family don’t think that Styles should be able to take up this nickname.

When I first heard about this I laughed so hard. I like when Rolling Stone gets into trouble. In my youth I tried reading a Rolling Stone review of the Anderson, Bruford, Wakeman and Howe album. Rolling Stone panned it because they said it sounded like the band was playing different songs at the same time. Maybe different complementary songs. Rolling Stone probably also likes Chopsticks to be played with only one finger, too. Anyhow, I hate Rolling Stone.

But then again they may be on to something here. When royalty dies, there is mourning and immediately that royal figure gets replaced. So let’s look again at the King of Rock and Roll. Elvis died in the seventies and anyone at all could have taken his title. Since no one did at the time, the current generation can steal this. How about Ed Sheeran as the King of Rock and Roll?

Then how about Whitney Houston being known as The Voice? There’s a bit of debate to that as Paul Rodgers of Free, Bad Company and The Firm had some calling him that. Also a country star, Vern Gosdin was also known as The Voice. But Whitney’s fans have been the most vocal (get it?).

But again, Whitney has passed away, so perhaps the title ought to be passed on. To avoid Rolling Stone magazine getting naming rights, I suggest we name Adele as The Voice.

Then there is Bruce Springsteen, also known as The Boss. Now it’s true that he hasn’t died. However he is past retirement age. That’s when employees usually get shuffled into retirement. Yes, even bosses. The board of directors should have taken away his The Boss title years ago. Oh well, they can do it now.

I hereby dub Drake as The Boss. You may question, why him? But I live in Ontario near Toronto and in these parts no one questions him as The Boss.

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Groundhogs vs Farmers

Posted on 20 August 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Farmers hate groundhogs. I believe this began many, many, many years ago. It was when farmers first attached plows to horses and that first nasty incident occurred. Some poor horse put one moving leg inside a groundhog hole and it broke that leg. For those of you who don’t know, a horse with a broken leg almost always needs to be put down. So that early farmer was left without an animal to pull the plow.

Thus the long hatred began. While it’s true that farmers only rarely use horses to plow anymore, those groundhog holes can still do a number on a tractor or its many attachments. So farmers still hate groundhogs.

And maybe farmers would have wiped out groundhogs by now. But an odd spectacle called Groundhog Day began and suddenly some groundhogs were protected by other humans. Just to see if the animal saw its shadow on February 2nd.

It might seem like all you need is one groundhog. But the truth is, to have one successfully bred groundhog in perpetuity, you need many living groundhogs.

And Wiarton Willie, the Ontario, Canada groundhog is by preference white and therefore an albino. While the managers of this groundhog had been successful with having albino groundhogs for many years, last year they didn’t have a white groundhog and Willie was a normal brown groundhog. Still they are on the lookout for a white groundhog and if one is found, current Willie won’t last as the lead groundhog for life. He will be shamelessly replaced by any albino that is found.

Of course for one albino in a set of groundhogs to occur, you usually need thousands of groundhogs. That means that Wiarton Willie organizers, if they can get back to having an albino groundhog, are responsible for thousands of ground hogs being alive. These organizers are the antithesis of the farmer exterminators.

Naturally the farmers are angry and have been trying to usurp the pseudoscience of groundhog day with the pseudoscience of the Farmer’s Almanac.

The primary difference between the two is that Groundhog Day uses only one pseudo science and predicts the start of spring whereas the Farmer’s Almanac uses many pseudosciences to predict the entire winter season’s weather.

Who will win the epic battle of prognostication? The farmers or the groundhogs? We might never know for sure with such things as the end of winter being such a vaguely defined term.

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Leo the Libertarian

Posted on 13 August 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Leo sometimes liked to do things a bit differently than other people. So one night of camping saw him in his sleeping bag outside the tent. He had wanted to go to sleep under the stars and moon. He had gotten his wish but he was rudely awakened by a pain in his neck. Reflexively his hand swatted at the pain and hit something. Almost immediately his eyes opened and he was wide awake. He felt around his neck but the something was gone. He felt wetness at the site.

He got out of his sleeping bag and looked at his neck in his car’s mirror. The wetness was a bit of blood that came from a wound. He reluctantly drove down to the ranger station at the entrance of the park. They took it very seriously, proclaiming that it was most likely a bat bite. They cleaned the wound as best they could and declared that he must get rabies shots. When Leo objected they told him that the course of rabies vaccines aren’t nearly as painful as they used to be. This calmed Leo so he agreed to go to the emergency room of the nearest town.

Leo drove himself to the hospital. The doctor saw him almost right away. “It must have been a bat bite,” said the doctor. “Most likely a rabid bat bite. I’ll start the course of treatment with one rabies shot today, then we’ll follow up 3, 7, 14 and 28 days later.”

“Let me get this straight,” said Leo. “I am to give you five full chances of putting microchips in me. You’re in cahoots with Bill Gates!

“Your life is hanging by a thread. No microchip is small enough to be put through a vaccine needle. You absolutely must get the course of rabies shots or you’ll die! That conspiracy theory is nonsense. Wait ! You can’t walk out of here without treatment!”

“I don’t need your microchips and I sure don’t need your lectures!” Leo was already out the door before the doctor had a chance to reply.

All the way to the campsite and back home, Leo’s mind was racing. A bat bite on the neck, he kept thinking, why did that have to mean rabies? Then he saw it. Couldn’t vampires change into bats. Maybe. And it bit him on the neck. That meant it had fed. Wouldn’t Leo now turn into a vampire when the change occurred? And wouldn’t that mean immortality? They were keeping Leo from immortality! That must be it.

Still, Leo looked for clues about what might come from the rabies literature. There was the roughly weeks long incubation period. He took that time to set up his home properly. He got himself a coffin for his bed and got blackout curtains for the windows for when it was daylight. Although he didn’t believe the garlic myth he still rid himself of that food stuff.

Soon the flu like symptoms came with weakness, fever and a headache. He quickly set up a meeting amongst himself and his local libertarians. He was calling the meeting “The Myth of Rabies”.

That night came and he managed to get to the lecture room even though he had bouts with confusion and felt delirious. Although he meant to give a rousing lecture, he could barely croak out what had happened to him and his thoughts on vampirism. The first question he went right up to the asker and instead of answering, bit her on the neck. She screamed and it felt good to Leo,

Of the 20 libertarians, 10 ran away at this. A couple tried to pin Leo and the rest were frozen at first. Leo bit the wrestling ones on the arm and on the shin. But they finally managed to hold Leo. One of the frozen did the unthinkable and called the police.

The police took Leo into a private cell and left him there while taking the statements of the bitten. All of the bitten got their course of rabies shots while Leo, who had wanted immortality so badly that he started all this, died for his wish.

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A Strange of Aliens

Posted on 6 August 2022 by Larry Russwurm

This post will build on two previous posts. The first one was An RPG of Nerds, where we expand English’s creative side. Groups of animals are called very different things, like a murder of crows or a parliament of owls. Here we extended that to groups of humans.

The second post we are building on is The 6 Basic Characters and the 5 Basic Settings. In today’s post, we could care less about the 5 basic settings. And 2 of the 6 basic characters have been done – that of humans and animals. So lets have fun with the 4 other categories of characters in groups.

The first category is aliens. By the title, you can guess that I think a group of aliens ought to be called a strange. This is a good word to encompass a meeting up of a variety of aliens. Like a United Nations of different planets or one of those inter alien bars that is common in science fiction. Similar words for this might be a unique of aliens, or a kaleidoscope of aliens.

But what of a group of very similar aliens? Like Earth was being attacked by a BEM (bug eyed monsters) of aliens. Or if they act like social insects, they might be simply called a hive of aliens. Or, if they hand out technology to earth that is meant to improve the place, they could be called a benevolence of aliens.

The next category is robots or computers. How about a mass production of robots? A generation of computers? A logic of AIs (artificial intelligences). How about a prosaic of robots because they are so predictable?

The next category is godlike or near godlike creatures. I don’t even have to make up a word for a group of gods because English already has the term a pantheon of gods. Since gods can likely replicate themselves, if they so choose, a group of Thors could be called a thunder of Thors. There are so many gods and mythologies that this could be a fruitful area for someone to explore.

The near godlike creatures could be angels or demons. It might be possible to have an order of angels (notice that religion already uses this word for a group of adherents). On the other side you could have a chaos of demons.

Next we have the lesser magical creatures. How about a flight of fairies? Or a wise of wizards? Or how about the semi magical races? You could have a habit of hobbits. How about an ugly of orcs? A slender of elves? An adept of dwarves?

And since this piece has already mentioned science fiction characters, I am reminded of one that would likely fit under the category of humans. Clones would likely go under this label. I would call a group of them a repeat of clones.

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Grab Bag O’ Humour

Posted on 30 July 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Christians have been calling God, Father, since at least the holy trinity and the Lord’s Prayer. I say, why stop there? Why not liven religion up with other terms meaning father?

Why not call Him, Dad or Daddy-o? Suddenly religion feels less uptight and more interesting. Then the Lord’s prayer begins, “Daddy-o who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name…” . His name would still be hallowed, just differently than before.

How about calling God, Big Daddy? There would be no way he could be confused with another Big Daddy. At their largest, a human Big Daddy might be 1400 pounds. But God is supposed to be everywhere, and be in everything. The mass of everything in just your house or apartment is probably much greater than 1400 pounds. Don’t forget to include the mass of your walls and roof as well! God is easily the Biggest Daddy of all! So the term fits very well.

* * *

You might say that you don’t fatten up cattle to eat, that you beef it up instead. While this may be true of most beef where you don’t want too much fat in your meal, it’s not true of wagyu beef.

There is a rumour that Japanese wagyu cows are given beer and massaged daily. This of course is not done in reality to even wagyu beef cows.

All wagyu cows are pampered a bit. Fattening them up properly is an art to behold. It takes them 3 years to reach 700 kg, something other cows do in half the time. The purpose of the pampering is to get perfectly fat marbled beef. It’s supposed to melt in your mouth when you eat this beef.

I would like to tell you from personal experience how it tastes, but I have never had the extra money needed to partake of this beef. And, for the last few years I haven’t eaten beef at all. So it looks like I’ll never know what this luxury tastes like.

* * *

Doesn’t “He’s got a screw loose!” sound sexual when you say it out loud? If you still don’t hear it, replace “got a” with “gotta”. Yes it’s very sexual.

If you say it to some huffy person, they might respond with, “I’ve gotta screw loose? I’ve gotta screw loose? No! You’ve gotta screw loose!”

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The Luck of the Irish – No Thanks!

Posted on 23 July 2022 by Larry Russwurm

The nineteenth century in Ireland was dominated by poor government and the almost decade long Potato Famine. During the Potato Famine, 1 million people died and 2 million left Ireland for good. If the Irish were a lucky people, they would have used their luck then.

But then came a brand new century, the 20th century. This time found Ireland divided by hate and religious fighting. The country became embroiled in a civil war with Britain on one side and Irish Republicans on the other side. The civil war ended with ¾ of the island making a republic and the rest, still being allied with Britain and called Northern Ireland. The peace came in 1921 after 2 years of fighting.

Many Irish wanted the whole island. So some turned to fighting and terrorism to try to get what they wanted, in the rest of the 20th century.

What new, extremely unlucky horrors will beset the Irish in the 21st century? I don’t know, but they could be horrible, just like the last two centuries. Irregardless, Ireland has been unlucky for a long time.

But could there be a way for the Irish to have good luck? I have to say that not having snakes is a good start.

Maybe, just maybe, the seesaw of Kharma is going to bounce back and give the Irish some really good luck that might last decades or even centuries.

And those displaced Irish left many descendants in the New World. Some would say those Irish are lucky.

Some might be too young to remember but for a while in the eighties, the US and Canada both had leaders that were of Irish descent. President Reagan and Prime Minister Mulroney used to sing Irish songs when they got together.

Maybe Kharma will at last give the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland the good luck they have been trying to manifest these last couple of centuries. Maybe the good luck of the Irish will finally be a thing.

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Alien Encounters

Posted on 16 July 2022 by Larry Russwurm

Suddenly there it was. A blatant flying saucer hovering over Central Park.

People stared, took pictures, and approached the ship for a closer look. About twenty minutes later the mayor and her entourage made their way slowly through the gathered crowd and with bullhorns, got the crowd to step backward, letting the city’s delegation have under the ship and a few yards around the ship. There was some debate over where the front of the ship was. Finally after much hesitation they picked a “front” and the mayor began speaking in the bullhorn.

“Welcome,” the mayor said as magnanimously as possible, “to our humble city on this, the planet Earth!” She paused, then, hoping to hear something back from the flying saucer.

There were some whirring sounds from the ship, then a disembarking stairway unfolded from the ship. The lucky humans had picked the proper front. Then down the stairway came a delegation of three aliens. They were about the size of the mayor, maybe 5 and ½ feet. They had space suits on so obviously they came from a planet with a different atmosphere. Or perhaps the suits were there to stop contamination from earth life.

When they stood in the grass some word was said from the aliens. “Blizzark.” Then they raised their hands with palms forward. With two large fingers and one thumb, they held up their hands in what looked like the Vulcan salute.

The delegation got the idea instantly and very confidently did their own Vulcan salutes. But before they could get out the words ‘live long and prosper’, shots came from the alien ship. The whole of the city’s delegation were shot to death while the three ran back aboard the ship. The surrounding crowd almost trampled to death some of its own in efforts to get away.

The aliens safely got aboard the ship, the stairway folded back up and the flying saucer flew away.

A day later the alien ship appeared over a large park in Los Angeles. This time no crowd gathered. No one wanted to be in any delegation that went to the ship.

After the-day-before’s failure, many people chimed in with what was thought to be wrong with the approach of the delegation. Los Angeles’ mayor’s office went through them all. And decided to give one a chance. Largely they liked him because Sam Joachim was 86 years old so if they threatened him with jail, he might be in there for the rest of his life while the lawyers wrangled.

“Fine,” he said. “I’ll do it if I only have to get you past the part where the New York delegation screwed up. If I make it I will tell you why they screwed up so you can avoid similar mishaps.”

Sam was taken to the park and given a bullhorn to speak with.

He did everything the same. He approached the ‘front’ of the saucer. He used the bullhorn to say, “Welcome to Los Angeles on our planet Earth!”

The alien ship opened up and came down in their delegation of three again. They got to the grass, said “Blizzark,” and did their ‘Vulcan salute’.

Sam answered the ‘Vulcan salute’ with his hand raised, palm up and his fingers and thumbs spread normally.

The back up delegation held their breaths for a full minute. Nothing happened.

“I was right,” said Sam Joachim, turning around.

“The New York delegation thought quite simply that imitation was the sincerest form of flattery. When imitation can be the nastiest form of mockery. That at least, is how the aliens took it. Go on try to talk with them. Just be very careful. And make sure there is no blind mimicry.”

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Birthday Holidays, The Government, and Anti-Birthdays

Posted on 9 July 2022 by Larry Russwurm

It is my belief that everyone should have a holiday on their birthday. Since we all celebrate birthdays, we might as well do it right. And this would be such a primo holiday because everything would be open on your holiday. Unless of course your birthday is Xmas day or some such. In which case you could take the birthday holiday on say Xmas Eve. Or, if your birthday falls on the weekend, you could take either the Friday or Monday off and get a long weekend. Let’s celebrate our birthdays like never before!

Of course there are those who like to get as tanked as possible on their birthdays. Maybe they could still work their birthday and get the following day off for recovery. So maybe people should get the choice of taking their birthday off or the following day. We’re only thinking of what’s best for the business they are in. And perhaps we’ll progress to the stage where we will give a birthday holiday and the following day will be a holiday as well. Wouldn’t that be great? Two birthday holidays!

But do you know who seems to want the opposite of birthday holidays? Why the government of course. I don’t know who soured them so much on birthdays. But governments have given us unpaid work to do for our birthdays, stressed us out as the birthday approaches and even made us pay as our birthday becomes due. Why the government is the Ebeneezer Scrooge and the Grinch of birthdays!

That’s right, the government makes identification cards become due on your birthday. So you have to do the free work of getting new ID. Plus health cards may come due on this day. If you don’t get them renewed you might not be covered in case of bad health. This can majorly stress someone out. The government of course makes you pay for these IDs and things like licence plate stickers might have to be paid for every year as your birthday rolls around.

I can kind of see the government’s reasoning for making these things due on your birthday. Making it due on your birthday makes sure that government secures business for their outlets all throughout the year. This is efficient since they have to staff such businesses all year long. Maybe, just maybe there’s a way to keep this efficiency while also not putting a dent into the annual birthday celebrations.

I suggest having anti-birthdays. This would maximize the time separation from having these government difficulties, I suggest doing them on your anti birthday, six months from when your actual birthday is. If your birthday is October 21st, you’re anti-birthday is April 21st. If your birthday is January 9th, your anti-birthday would be July 9th.

There would be a problem matching the ends of the month. For instance an August 29tth, 30th and 31st would usually have no anti-birthday in February. Since the anti-birthday need not be perfect, just say that the anti-birthday for these people could be any day in March.

When the government starts introducing the concept of anti-birthdays, we can finally say that they aren’t anti-birthday! Then, finally, we might be close to realizing the dream of a birthday holiday.

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